DH Christmas works do and lack of comms

[menopausalminnie1]

DH out on his Christmas works do tonight. He left at noon. Said he’d be home by 5pm. Said he didn’t want to stay later as it’s a Police do and they get utterly mental.

He’s 52 years old. Got a call at 6pm to say they won’t let him leave (?) so he will be home about 8pm. Fine. I actually don’t care what time he gets home ….if he said to me it would be midnight that would be fine, but because he says 8 pm I have done things like prepare him some food, put up the Christmas tree as a nice surprise, lit some candles and I’m sitting here waiting like a numpty

It’s now 915pm and he hasn’t left the city (we have find my friend) so earliest he could be home is 11pm with ZERO comms to actually tell me this.

i can’t imagine a scenario where i say ill be home at a certain time and then do the opposite.

not a huge deal but a bit frustrating.

Its a big birthday for me tomorrow and I’m guessing he will be asleep till lunch time

I see it as more of OP inserting herself into his night out, by making her part of it, well meaning though it no doubt was.

@menopausalminnie1

If you are 55 ( according to your 2 recent threads on lack of sex ) why is 56 a big birthday ?

Ha ha ! No 🤣

”He never fucks me” - unfortunately this is what is driving things I think. Clearly a bigger issue than a late night.

It's not. It's a way of making OP partner appear more unreasonable and perhaps a way of guilting him to leave the biggest night for socialising with colleagues early.

It worked in part as OP partner left shortly after 9 and 'rolled in' at 11pm. The heathen!

You're not the first person on this thread to search OPs previous posts and use this discrepancy as a "gotcha" to discredit her. It is very normal for posters to change minor details about their life that aren't relevant to the post in order to not be outing.

Right, I fancy the pants off my DP and am always up for sex but after a works Christmas do?! Which woman in their right mind thinks that it will be a romantic night in (and lights candles) when their other half has been on the piss all day?! 😂

Why would you choose the night of his Xmas do to do a little surprise of decorations and dinner !?

That's asking for disappointment/ getting the hump etc ! (On your part)

I actually don’t care what time he gets home ….if he said to me it would be midnight that would be fine, but because he says 8 pm

If there's not a backstory of you telling him he needs to be home by a certain time, then I can see why this is annoying. My ex used to send me update texts 'I'm just leaving x now, will be home in 20 minutes' and never was. I hadn't asked for the information or ever had a row with him about coming home at a certain time. Used to annoy me as I would have happily gone about my evening doing my own thing, but I'd think, I'll hold off having dinner for half an hour so we can eat together, etc.

I hope you have a good birthday and he isn't too hungover!

I think we all know the answer to this one...

Partner works for police and is on his big Xmas night out on the eve of my birthday, we live by ourselves and have 3 cats - not outing
I'm 56 tomorrow - Aha! That's Sarah from Doncaster!

I think it's more likely the minor detail was changed to play up the significance of the birthday and make partner seem more unreasonable, as opposed to be less outing when there's already so much specific information to be able to identify it as someone you know.

Not even tempted by kebab breath? 😂

The bedroom literally needs fumigating

Is this relationship generally making you happy op?
Because it doesn't sound like it.

Relationships should add a positive value to your life, and if they don't, you'll be happier single. Even if you need to put in a little bit of work at the beginning learning to be happy single.

Happy Birthday !

Go out, have a nice day to yourself even if it is checking into a hotel with Netflix and switch off your phone. Preferably don't come back until tomorrow and go straight to work if you are working tomorrow.

This is a crap way to be treated but you are enabling it. He has form for saying one thing and doing another, why on earth would you sit around waiting for him. When 5pm and 8pm came and went you should have cracked open a nice bottle and told him to get himself home because his free lift pass had expired.

I can't comment on the sex issue as haven't seen the threads but a doormat never mind one being passive aggressive and martyr like is rarely sexy unless you are a controlling bully of a shit which it doesn't sound like your partner is. Just a bit wet about saying no to colleagues or you.

Happy Birthday to you @menopausalminnie1 !

The thing that gets me when I read posts like this one (and I've read many on MN over the years) is when the bloke says that they weren't allowed to leave at 5pm or whenever they were originally planning to leave. That's just nonsense. Unless he was physically restrained from leaving by being handcuffed to a metal bar or something, he could have slipped away. He didn't have to make a big thing about leaving, he could have just left.
He could also have just left at 6pm or 7pm or even 8pm or anytime after that, without him getting drunk enough that he is sleeping out his partner's birthday.
From where I am, this reads as though being out with his work mates letting off steam was more important to him than being out with his work mates, being sensible about it all and making sure that he could also celebrate his partner's significant birthday the next day with them.

That's how I'm reading the situation.

I hope he's awake now and is making it up to you @menopausalminnie1!!

You need to stop accommodating him. Say no to picking him up, because you’re a total flake and I’m fed up with not having a drink to do you a favour but you just stay out all night so I could have had a drink. Say no to letting him in - no because I’m up half the night waiting for you. You’re an adult, take keys. I might go hang out with a friend and spend the night.
say no.
and go out for your birthday!! Without him.

I do think unless he came home at 5 which was extremely unlikely he has been set up to fail here.

I hope you had a good birthday OP

Me, I do.

When he used to like a drink back in the day no amount of candles or Christmas trees would have made my DH decide he must leave the pub and rush home to have a look. Likewise myself.

Rolled in at 11pm! That’s a positively early night! I think you need to go with the flow a bit more OP. Relax and stop trying to control him whilst expecting to come first all the time. You can be married but still be the boss of only you

There isnt a lack of communication tho, is there? Hes having fun - chill out

I can really understand why your relationship isn't the best right now....

I miss it.

TBH I think I would worry more about the general state of my marriage rather than fuming about lack of communication on this occasion. Perhaps this is his way of dealing with his sadness about the situation?

😂😂

It might be time for your DH to decline to go to these work dos altogether, if they are that bad and 'messy' (whatever that means). And he can't control himself or use his own agency.