DH Christmas works do and lack of comms

[menopausalminnie1]

DH out on his Christmas works do tonight. He left at noon. Said he’d be home by 5pm. Said he didn’t want to stay later as it’s a Police do and they get utterly mental.

He’s 52 years old. Got a call at 6pm to say they won’t let him leave (?) so he will be home about 8pm. Fine. I actually don’t care what time he gets home ….if he said to me it would be midnight that would be fine, but because he says 8 pm I have done things like prepare him some food, put up the Christmas tree as a nice surprise, lit some candles and I’m sitting here waiting like a numpty

It’s now 915pm and he hasn’t left the city (we have find my friend) so earliest he could be home is 11pm with ZERO comms to actually tell me this.

i can’t imagine a scenario where i say ill be home at a certain time and then do the opposite.

not a huge deal but a bit frustrating.

Its a big birthday for me tomorrow and I’m guessing he will be asleep till lunch time

Well, both He was being deliberately vague as in changing what time he expected to leave.
Then, separately, he gave the OP very specific detail about when and how he'd be getting home (which turned out to be untrue).

His behaviour is egotistical. If someone just says, 'Don't plan anything for me, I'll probably be late, and I'll text when I'm setting off for home,' then you know you have the evening to yourself and don't need to think about them. If they initially say when they'll be home, then message again and again changing it, they're always getting your attention.

All sounds unreasonable and suffocating.

I'm guessing you don't have house cats.
When they jump on you at whatever time of night wanting food or something, it wakes you up.

@menopausalminnie1 A few things to address here... Firstly, in your other posts from last week you say you are 55 but in this thread you say you have a big birthday today?

Secondly, this is a works Christmas do and he "rolled in at 11pm"?!?! 😂It's 11pm FFS! Not 6pm the next day! As another poster has said, people always intend to leave a party early but once you're a few drinks in then all bets are off! Surely you've been guilty of this too?!

You say he's still asleep in your post this morning at 7.40am - assuming he's not working, what's wrong with that?! You sound very judgemental and a bit controlling tbh....

As for staying in and putting the Christmas tree up as a "surprise" then lighting candles with food ready for him.... I really don't know what you were thinking. Even on a normal day most blokes wouldn't notice this but after a few drinks on a works Christmas do?!?! Come on.... When me or DP come in after a night out it's straight to the kitchen for some shit to eat then to bed with a glass of water and out for the count. Not admiring the Christmas decorations and candles 🙄

Sorry to be blunt but sitting around waiting for him to come home and monitoring him on Find My iPhone whilst he's on a works night out is just very needy and, if it was a bloke doing this, everyone would say he was being controlling...

He's allowed a night out to get drunk and blow off steam without you there. Guilting him into coming home isn't going to work if he's out having fun. The best thing you can / could have done is made your own plans, be independent, have a glass of water and some paracetamol on the bedside table and not resent him for having one night out.

There are 2 other threads from last week

I always find it pretty unreasonable for partners to hold each other to a curfew however in this instance he really should have come home on time because it's your birthday today and whilst I'm not a huge birthday celebrator, I think that it's the one day a year you should be spoilt by your other half.

Your comment about him probably talking to other women, and then saying that "apparently" he isn't involved with shady stuff, makes me think that your annoyance is somewhat driven by insecurity.

If he really is being pressurised into not leaving at 6pm, he needs to be more assertive. Or refuse to go next year and not be bullied into remaining, if that is the case.

Agree with you about the lack of communication, or better still, sticking to an agreed time.

I agree with his basic premise of not wanting to stay late if it does to use his words 'get messy'.

…or nurses, doctors, office staff etc.

My DH does (or rather used to) all the time - looking for a lift home from the train station. I warned him loads of time that he needed to keep me in the loop re his return but he didn’t change - still no word then a phone call at whatever time saying “I’ll be at the station in 10 mins if you can pick me up”.

Then the last time I said “I’ll take you to the train but I’m not picking you up” and that’s it. So if he goes out, he gets a taxi or train/walk home. It’s so freeing!

My Dad does this.

Last week he side-lined birthday plans with my mother and I. We were supposed to be leaving early in the morning for a day up in Scotland to do some Christmas shopping and have lunch.

I got there the night before and he said he was going to a funeral 'first thing', on his birthday morning and we could leave out after that. Turns out it was at 11am, which isn't first thing. The funeral was for an acquaintance rather than a friend or family member, which would have been different.

He then quietly slipped in that he'd pop into the wake 'for 5mins' afterwards he came back about 4pm.

The original birthday we had planned months ago had been cancelled by stealth, hour by hour. It turned out that he'd known for about a week and said nothing.

He's 88. They never change. Never.

Sorry to be blunt but sitting around waiting for him to come home and monitoring him on Find My iPhone whilst he's on a works night out is just very needy and, if it was a bloke doing this, everyone would say he was being controlling...

It is controlling no matter who does it.

I agree. That was my point...

My friend's birthday is 23rd Dec.
Does that mean that her birthday eve is the day before Christmas Eve eve?

Plus you've posted recently about the fact he gaslights you, sexually. And that you are completely celibate.

I would say that being a few hours later than expected from a works do, and keeping you up 'til 11pm to let him in is not a monumental deal. And your reaction is symptomatic of bigger issues.

The problem with Christmas work parties is good intentions, Often the reality of goof intentions means nothing when you drink too much with your colleagues.

Unless he always arrives late for dinner without giving you a call, i wouldn't sweat it for a work Christmas' party.

You said you don't mind what time he leaves but it sounds like you do mind, quite a lot.

Many people go out intending for it not to be a late 'sesh' and it turns out being exactly that. It was a bit naive to expect his work christmas party to not turn into something later and more drunken than he originally intended, especially as you say yourself, the police nights out are 'mental'. You shouldn't have bothered going to any special effort with food and candles on an evening when there was a strong chance he'd not be home until later than he said.

I know it's irritating when this happens but I think you've set yourself up for disappointment by being unrealistic.

Yeah I’m getting red flag for control about this too. I would be pretty baffled if I went out with my friends and got carried away so didn’t come home by my ‘curfew’ and then my partner got in a sulk because he’d put the Christmas tree up and lit some candles and I was just supposed to… telepathically have known this? And rushed home to tell him how wonderful he was?

Do most men care about Christmas trees and candles? My husband is wonderful and caring and sensitive and all those things but I have never heard him express any sort of delight over any Christmas tree, other than ‘oh that looks nice’ or ‘fuck me; that tree is massive’

Cool wives 🙄. Do you not ever go out? I would hate it if Dh lectured me like one of the flipping teens about keys and when to be home. Marriages like this blow my mind.

Honestly I am usually the first to be on the wife’s side but this is crazy behaviour - I get criticised on here for monitoring the whereabouts of my 16 year old but constant monitoring of an adult on a night out is ok?!

Actually my Dh is the Christmas tree fan in our house -fear I am actually the Dh in these scenarios!

This. My DP is the absolute best (in my opinion anyway 😂) but he wouldn't notice the Christmas decorations if he was stone cold sober, never mind if he was half cut after the works Christmas do!

Exactly!!! It's not about being a "cool wife" (I hate that term too 🙄). But he's on his Christmas Do FFS!!! It's one night!

I'm not cool in the slightest but when DP goes on his Christmas Do I will relish the opportunity to watch something on Netflix that he doesn't like, have a few glasses of wine, and then get into bed and know that he is a grown man who can get himself home and I don't need to sit awake for him.

And yes, he most likely will text to say he'll be home by 8pm... then 10pm.. then probably after midnight (making an almighty racket with a kebab in hand) but so what?! He has good intentions, he's just having a good time! There's no "need" for him to be home so what does it matter?!

This is usually something that flares up in new relationships or when people start living together. My DH is neither a social animal or a drinker but I would write off his evening if he was going to an event like this. We long ago mutually agreed not to have expectations of each other when we are separately socialising. Although he does have form for calling me when he is on the train so I tell him when to get off- I don’t know how that works either and mostly it doesn’t. I usually end up sending the Uber to next station along.

I don’t know why any functioning adult would go out without keys to let themselves back into the property they live in. But these stories all include someone who has. Tbh I always think these cases are about people who are in a new relationship and living apart. Hence the high expectation of communication and no keys.

Not sure why this is degenerating into 'men dont like Christmas trees' debate - mine does, loves it, did the main decorating of the Christmas tree and spent hours putting up the outside lights. Even found a christmas tree farm 40 minutes away where you chop down your own tree and made us all go (it was fab in the end). Some PEOPLE like Christmas trees and decorating and some people dont care (and they marry each other). Agree with posters around this is controlling, but if it is right about the other posts, OP has relationship issues far beyond a Christmas night out that need sorting. OP - i think you should go try to do relationship counselling and if he refuses to go (which I think is likely from what you have said) you should get counselling to work out whether this relationship is worth it.

Yes these two don’t sound in a happy place. A normal functioning cheerful couple wouldn’t bat an eyelid at one of them going on a night out.

Happy birthday first off!

I have read your other threads and my guess is this is still about sex. You lit candles for your husband coming home. That sounds like you were hoping for something to happen. I think that you wouldn't have cared if he was late if he came home and had sex with you.