Pissed off DH dismisses my name ideas

[Plum02]

Currently pregnant with DC1. My favourite boys name since I was a child was “Sebastian” which he knew before I was even pregnant. He said he hated it - couldn’t give a reason, to the point where it felt like he’d once said that so felt like he had to double down.

I’m now pregnant with a girl and I’ve spent a lot of time researching and coming up with name ideas. It just so happens every name I like DH apparently “hates”. So far I’ve suggested seven names I love:

• Margot - ugly, hates it
• Ophelia - horrible, hates it
• Clementine - awful, hates it
• Octavia - cars name, ridiculous
• Etta - doesn’t even sound like a real name, awful
• Penelope - sounds old fashioned, hates it

A few days ago I came across (and fell in love with) the name Ottilie. It’s unusual but classic, feminine and pretty. I thought it would be uncontroversial! I told him I’d found another name I love and before I even told him what it was he was rolling his eyes like “oh god, here we go”. Before I told him I said “you don’t have to respond straight away when I tell you, just take some time to think about it” - thinking that his automatic reaction seems to be to dismiss the names I suggest but if he thinks about it he might actually like it!

Of course as soon as I said it he said it he said “that is awful, I’m not calling my child otter”. I said “it’s Ottilie, the NN could be Tilly” then he starts telling a story about a pregnant 17 year old called Tilly (he has a public facing job).

He says I’m over-reacting to be annoyed just because he doesn’t like a name but I feel utterly depressed. He brings nothing to the table but it feels like before I even suggest something he’s made his mind up not to like it which feels so disrespectful. I also want to have a name I love, not just settle for something and it feels like I’ve exhausted all those names having gone through thousands to pick out the ones I love.

I feel like most men would be so much more laid back about girl’s names and let their wife take the lead, unless it’s something they truly hate - but how can he truly hate every name I come up with!

I think Ottilie is adorable.

He needs to stop being such a negative Debbie downer. He's not growing a whole human ffs! Why can't he just be kind. Like you say he's not giving any of the names a chance to percolate.

We ended up naming our boy a name I am still pretty meh about because my H wouldn't agree to any of the names I loved. It's a shame because he now agrees that one I loved would have really suited him.

I think that's a lovely name, but in almost 30 years of teaching I have never come across a single one.

The names sound pretentious. Maybe he prefers more down to earth names? Why not just get him to suggest a couple of names?

You need to ask him to write a shortlist .
And you do the same.
Obviously you both need to find a name you agree on... You will.

I like Penelope

Have you asked him to suggest names he does like. I ended up with the dullest plainest name imaginable and my understanding is that my father vetoed most of the ones my mother preferred (although a couple of them were so 'out there' I'm kind of grateful). However if he wants very classic names such as Catherine, Elizabeth, Robert or James, you suggesting Sebastian and Ottilie won't make it easy for you to find a compromise.

You described Ottilie as unusual in your OP though…. 🤔 but you’re right here, it’s very much not unusual.

DP is being an arse! Hopefully post birth he’ll be in awe and you can get your own way! Good luck!

You seem to have a certain style, which is fine, but dh doesn't sound keen on the style of names you like.
You need to work together , both make a list, see if there's any common ground, you'll find something you both agree on eventually.
Make it clear if he doesn't contribute to helping choosing a name, then you will be choosing.
He needs to stop being automatically dismissive, assuming he wo t like it before he hears it.
Otherwise start trying out names out loud calling baby x name

He brings nothing to the table but it feels like before I even suggest something he’s made his mind up not to like it which feels so disrespectful.

@Plum02 does this happen in other contexts too, where he sneers at your suggestions but doesn’t offer anything himself?

My DH did this - said he didn't like any of my suggestions but would t make himself.

If I were you - just pick a name you love and tell him that's it unless he can come up with anything better. You're the one doing all the hard work here!!

All of your names are a very particular style. He clearly dislikes that style. You both need to think of other styles of names.

But you're 33 weeks pregnant - you've got heaps of time. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you have. You've got a few weeks after the birth to settle on a name that suits your daughter.

i really like quite a few of those. It would really piss me off that he brings nothing to the table.

Wondering if the baby doesn’t feel real to him yet. Could you maybe set a deadline? Maybe have a specific baby name date where you have a nice meal and each bring a list?

My DH vetoed some of my names but also brought suggestions to the table. I vetoed some of his. All names were immediately discounted if one of us felt that strongly about it.

BIL has just had a baby and apparently there is an app for choosing baby names like tinder where you both highlight ones you like and then it shows you an overlapping list.

I think you need to ask him to come up with a few suggestions himself, not in a confrontational way, just as a way to come up with some sort of common ground or compromise. Don't dismiss any of his suggestions straight away - or at least not all of them. Alternatively, try and come up with a shorter/different sounding girls name, even if it's not your favourite just to gauge his reaction. He may just want something less flowery sounding.

I love all the names and don't think you're trying to be different - all of those names are in my daughter's year at school! (Year 1.)

He sounds like a bore - he should at least be suggesting something. I'm also of the opinion that because of pregnancy and childbirth a woman gets more of a say than a man when it comes to a name!

I’d say, you have to go through your pregnancy so you get to choose. He’s bringing nothing to this party….

I think the posters who mentioned class/inverted snobbery are onto something. Naming is so personal, and he might be feeling uncomfortable, possibly in a way he can't articulate, with the way the names you're suggesting embody the fact that he's left his roots behind. My first-generation MC dh was a tiny bit like this - he didn't say he hated my suggestions but his were all proper 'joke' names (along the lines of Horst and Gertrude). In the end I effectively chose them and he agreed.

That said, I do think your style is emphatically 'aspirational', and perhaps something more conventionally classic would be more his bag. Nothing dull or boring at all about Anna, Charlotte, Catherine, Alice, Emily, Laura, Alexandra etc.
(And Ottilie is very faddy right now and really doesn't work in the English context IMO, esp if you're (mis)pronouncing it 'OTT-uhly').

There are separate issues here

You are unreasonable to suggest women should get more of a say naming a child, he is the father, you have to agree.

You are being a bit of a martyr spending hours researching names then being annoyed at him for that. You choose how to spend you time, it's not his fault you've spent hours doing it.

He is being unreasonable not to invest any effort or time into choosing a name, and here I would feel hurt by this. This may be a deeper issue, is he ready to have a baby at all? Is he excited or terrified? Is he lazy/uninvested in your relationship? Is he jealous of the baby? Or is he just a bit silly and needs a firm talking to from a tearful, pregnant partner?

He brought sperm to the party.

If you kept suggesting the same name type id made it clear I didn't like I'd be just like him. You're not listening.

However, he's not making suggestions, so that makes HIM unreasonable.

FEIW I would agree to any of your names either 💁🏻‍♀️.

you need to tell him he has to give you his top names & see if you like any.

there are various name apps where you swipe the ones you like, don't. Get one of those & both of you get onto it.

Names are very subjective you are not going to please everyone. Like the list youve given on here, you get the ooh not my cup of tea brigade and the ones who think they are pretty. You have gone for a specific type of name, and at least you have made some suggestions as a starting point. You can’t expect him to like all your choices, but what type of name does he like? Can’t bear it when people criticise but don’t come up alternative ideas of their own. Please ask him to pick his top 6 girls names and report back here please…🙂

Ask your husband to make a list of girls names he likes. Sit with each other and go through names online. It's got to be a joint effort! Your daughter's name should be something you both like, not just one of you. Equally, just because the baby is a girl, shouldn't give you more of a say over the name either! The baby is his, just as much as yours.

Get one of those name apps where you both tick yes or no to names and see where you overlap.

Also look up name popularity before stating a name is unusual Otillie is in the top 100 for the UK imo it is one of those that will rise in popularity then disappear and be badly dated. I know 3 babies called Otillie.

I like some of your names but your dh doesn't so find out what he likes and find your overlap there will be one.

Hi OP

Agree your names are all a similar theme and if he doesn't like one, he's not likely to like any. However it's truly shit when one person in a couple comes up with ideas and the other just shoots them down. I'm the 'ideas' one in my relationship and my husband generally points out the (usually fair) flaws but it does feel like you're the one making the effort and the other just criticises. However my husband does recognise this about himself and try and correct himself.

Have you spoken to your husband about this? In general not about a specific name. That you'd like to get sorted before the birth, that he is criticising your choices but not doing anything pro active to come up with a name you both like, and that he is acting like (gives exampes) he hates a name before you've even told him, which is actually quote rude. What's his solution so you're not giving birth without at least a small shortlist?

I found name websites helpful where you put in a name you liked and it comes up with 'if you like x, then you might like these...' you could always look at those together. How did you choose your firsts name?