Pissed off DH dismisses my name ideas

[Plum02]

Currently pregnant with DC1. My favourite boys name since I was a child was “Sebastian” which he knew before I was even pregnant. He said he hated it - couldn’t give a reason, to the point where it felt like he’d once said that so felt like he had to double down.

I’m now pregnant with a girl and I’ve spent a lot of time researching and coming up with name ideas. It just so happens every name I like DH apparently “hates”. So far I’ve suggested seven names I love:

• Margot - ugly, hates it
• Ophelia - horrible, hates it
• Clementine - awful, hates it
• Octavia - cars name, ridiculous
• Etta - doesn’t even sound like a real name, awful
• Penelope - sounds old fashioned, hates it

A few days ago I came across (and fell in love with) the name Ottilie. It’s unusual but classic, feminine and pretty. I thought it would be uncontroversial! I told him I’d found another name I love and before I even told him what it was he was rolling his eyes like “oh god, here we go”. Before I told him I said “you don’t have to respond straight away when I tell you, just take some time to think about it” - thinking that his automatic reaction seems to be to dismiss the names I suggest but if he thinks about it he might actually like it!

Of course as soon as I said it he said it he said “that is awful, I’m not calling my child otter”. I said “it’s Ottilie, the NN could be Tilly” then he starts telling a story about a pregnant 17 year old called Tilly (he has a public facing job).

He says I’m over-reacting to be annoyed just because he doesn’t like a name but I feel utterly depressed. He brings nothing to the table but it feels like before I even suggest something he’s made his mind up not to like it which feels so disrespectful. I also want to have a name I love, not just settle for something and it feels like I’ve exhausted all those names having gone through thousands to pick out the ones I love.

I feel like most men would be so much more laid back about girl’s names and let their wife take the lead, unless it’s something they truly hate - but how can he truly hate every name I come up with!

I like all your suggestions Op.
And it’s pretty unreasonable of him to simply dismiss your suggestions out of hand if he is not coming up with alternatives.
Given you’re also the one giving birth!

It’s not unreasonable for him to not like the names. They all have a specific vibe and he’s obviously not getting on with it. That’s ok, he doesn’t have to. But he should make suggestions of his own so you can get a feel for what he likes and start finding common ground. It’s wearying dealing with a naysayer who never contributes their own suggestions.

Sorry not had time TRTWT, but I think so many mums have ideas about names (particularly girls) that they've fantasised about since childhood, almost forgetting DH may actually like some input.
Not keen on any of your names OP- perhaps DH would prefer something more traditional.

Yes, I think this be part of it but he has a very middle class profession and his social circle is middle class. I understand the names might not be to everyone’s taste but I’d hoped at least one of them would be up for discussion!

If he can't suggest actual names I'd get him to pinpoint some structural elements to the names e.g. number of syllables, can it start with a vowel, do you want it to shorten?

OP we would always discuss names and have opinions but my husband would always say my final choice as I did all the hard work carrying our baby....maybe suggest that?

Don’t keep bringing up names. Both of you should write a list. And then on an agreed date look at them.

Honestly, stop stressing out. She will have a name! One day you will look back at your hours and hours of over thinking and planning and research and laugh. If she's born and he won't offer any suggestions then you get one of your choices. That's on him. Continue making your own list to add to when you see names come up that you like and you'll have that for when you see her. It will be fine. My niece didn't have a name for weeks, then it just came to them one day. No stress. Give yourself a break and enjoy the rest of pregnancy and get excited! Best of luck.

They’re all awful.

Have you said this to him? What’s his response? If he isn’t suggesting any names and is rubbishing all your suggestions, what’s he expecting to happen?

We started with a massive spreadsheet of names, from which we each deleted the ones we'd veto. That meant that we were looking at the common ground from then on.

They are lovely names but you both have to agree. We used one of the baby name apps that’s like tinder for names, it was good for getting discussions about names started.

If you can be arsed, silently give him a list with one syllable names like Jane, May, Ann, Claire, Kay and Gwen and a request to 'add any of your own suggestions below'.

I'd be disappointed too though that you have to.

I think he just hates that style of name, they’re all so similar. Also loads of Ottilies in my DC’s school and nursery so not as unusual as you think. Have you put forward any more modern names?

also YABU to suggest that he should let you have your own way because baby is a girl!

I like your names. I agree that they do have a specific vibe (one I like).

He needs to come up with a list of say 20 or 25 and then you can swap lists. Or the Kinder option if you want to go fancy! Just vetoing your suggestions with no suggestions of his own is unreasonable.

For me the meaning of a name important .
so when my husband suggested the name that we eventually used for our son I found out what it meant, and listened to why he suggested it. and whilst I would never have suggested it myself, or at any point imagined having a kid with this name (it’s pretty bland and English, and i am mixed European) I couldn’t disagree with his why or what it meant .

maybe sharing a list, where you outline the meaning and why you like them/what the connection is etc would help your husband feel affinity toward the names you are suggesting .

my daughter has a name that embodies several of my values/wishes for her. t husband wouldn’t haven chosen then names I suggested but he was on board with the meaning behind them so that’s what she ended up with.

Right?

OP it doesn't matter whether it's a boy's name or a girl's name, both parents need to be on board.

Your suggested names are all very similar in feel (and a bit of a cliché, sorry!), so it's not surprising he doesn't like them. You need to switch it up a bit and try a different style.

He needs to try too though.

Try an app and see if you can come up with a short list. I think the one we used was called Kinder but it was a few years ago.

Sort I agree with DH about the names. Clementine is not too bad but the others are awful.
why not ask DH to come up with some names or ask a neutral friend to suggest some you both might like?
how about
Miranda
Annabel
Elise
Susannah

?

@Plum02 makes sense! I get that it might feel weird to shout for Ophelia at the supermarket as a burly northern bloke with working class roots or something! If he’s not spent much time around babies maybe he doesn’t know Ottilie and Margot etc are very popular now so don’t read as pretentious to most people (but probably would have a decade or two ago) I had the opposite problem in that my DH is from a posher background than me (and I found it hilarious to hear him mention names like Tarquin and Henrietta when we first got together!) We’re such a classist country still and names are loaded.

I adore all your name choices though! Elegant classics to my ear.

Love how many posters have rushed in to share their opinions on your preferred names as if a) that's what you asked for and b) it will have some kind of bearing on the final decision.

My husband and I don't have similar tastes in baby names either - in my second pregnancy, I bought a baby name book and both of us went through and put mark next to names we liked (if you think your OH is being contrary, get him to do it first!). As well as hopefully coming up with a shortlist, it can be useful to identify his preferred name style too.

Stop telling him your name suggestions, and ask him to come up with some. Give him plenty of time, though don't let him forget. This is your joint child - it should not just be you involved in proposing possible names.

My DP was a nightmare when I was trying to discuss names - wouldn't engage at all on girls names and for boys names - well the best one was Winston, so I'll leave that there.

For him he just couldn't engage until the baby was born, and we had a first and middle name agree within 30 mins of her being born - neither of which I had thought of and they suit her perfectly. So don't loose hope, just hang tight.

No need to be rude people - names are a matter of personal taste and those who dislike OPs choices will probably prefer choices that are dryer or more boring to others.

The issue is mainly the DH not suggesting things he does like to help them find a middle ground.

I think as you are suggesting names that all have the same kind of vibe, he is giving you the same reaction each time.

Try getting him to do this to get some name ideas nameberry.com/dna

I agree. The OP is ridiculous and sexist
to even think this! She need to
give her head a wobble.