Pissed off DH dismisses my name ideas

[Plum02]

Currently pregnant with DC1. My favourite boys name since I was a child was “Sebastian” which he knew before I was even pregnant. He said he hated it - couldn’t give a reason, to the point where it felt like he’d once said that so felt like he had to double down.

I’m now pregnant with a girl and I’ve spent a lot of time researching and coming up with name ideas. It just so happens every name I like DH apparently “hates”. So far I’ve suggested seven names I love:

• Margot - ugly, hates it
• Ophelia - horrible, hates it
• Clementine - awful, hates it
• Octavia - cars name, ridiculous
• Etta - doesn’t even sound like a real name, awful
• Penelope - sounds old fashioned, hates it

A few days ago I came across (and fell in love with) the name Ottilie. It’s unusual but classic, feminine and pretty. I thought it would be uncontroversial! I told him I’d found another name I love and before I even told him what it was he was rolling his eyes like “oh god, here we go”. Before I told him I said “you don’t have to respond straight away when I tell you, just take some time to think about it” - thinking that his automatic reaction seems to be to dismiss the names I suggest but if he thinks about it he might actually like it!

Of course as soon as I said it he said it he said “that is awful, I’m not calling my child otter”. I said “it’s Ottilie, the NN could be Tilly” then he starts telling a story about a pregnant 17 year old called Tilly (he has a public facing job).

He says I’m over-reacting to be annoyed just because he doesn’t like a name but I feel utterly depressed. He brings nothing to the table but it feels like before I even suggest something he’s made his mind up not to like it which feels so disrespectful. I also want to have a name I love, not just settle for something and it feels like I’ve exhausted all those names having gone through thousands to pick out the ones I love.

I feel like most men would be so much more laid back about girl’s names and let their wife take the lead, unless it’s something they truly hate - but how can he truly hate every name I come up with!

Because I’m the one putting all the work in to research names and come up with suggestions! And in general most women do feel more strongly and take more interest in names (obviously there will always be exceptions).

I don't see the issue, he just doesn't like the names! I would have said no to them all too!

I must admit I also agree with him and in fairness there isn’t always an explanation for why you don’t like a name, you just don’t. My husband suggested quite a few names when I was pregnant with our daughter that I just point blank didn’t like and vice versa, no deep meaning or back story behind it, just didn’t like it and didn’t want to be saying it every day for the rest of my life.

You're getting a hard time OP. No reason to dislike Sebastian and while Margot is a very marmite name - and every man will likely think "car' at Octavia, Clementine is nice and Ottilie I like too.

Your DH probably likes names he's heard of before, ones that are less complicated.

He is rude and exhausting.

He needs to provide YOU with a shortlist of names, not just shit on your parade.

Why don't you just wait until she arrives and see what fits when you see her? You don't need to rush. Maybe he wants to wait and see and doesn't see the urgency or necessity of picking something beforehand.

Took us forever to find a name that we both liked. It was hard work. Just keep going and tell him he needs to offer some names up as well.

Yeah this. There really doesn’t need to be any great amount of in depth research here, especially while pregnant, there’s plenty of time once baby is here and it’s a lot easier to name someone once you see them.

How far along are you? DH didn't want to discuss names until I was about 38 weeks. He didn't want to jinx anything but also felt that he didn't really have any connection with DS before he was born.

I find lots of men prefer Anna, Emma, Emily, Rachel etc. Nothing OTT.
They are dull!

No, that’s my point. He just has these OTT reactions to every name I suggest as though it’s the worst name in the world but doesn’t come up with anything. So I spend hours researching trying to come up with something else, for it to be dismissed again and for him to still contribute nothing.

I agree with the pp who said DH probably likes names he has heard before. My DH is rubbish at trends, he will sound like an old man sometimes and when pressed will say how about a name like Charlotte or Emily. Lovely names both, but no sense of edginess.

I think you need to get him to make a list and also explain how name trends are changing- say, teen stars have names like x y, these kinds of sounds might feel weird to you but they are the ones that will be normal for little Harperosa-Billie-Mae or whatever.

It's your joint child so you need to agree, it doesn't matter how he dresses it up if he doesn't like the names, he doesn't like them. Tbh I don't like any of those names either. But yanbu in asking him to bring some ideas to the table

He’s being a tit. So cruel to dismiss your names and not give you an idea what would be more to his taste. It sounds like he thinks he’s being funny. It’s not unusual to go through lots of names till you find one that fits, but it’s supposed to be a joint effort, not a chore for you that he judges!

I had a cat called Etta, I never got the chance to use it for a baby but loved the name- it got mixed responses but probs because it’s not suited to felines! 😂

Is your OH working class? I know that’s a loaded term nowadays but you know what I mean! Maybe the names read as a bit ‘posh’ or pretentious to him which is why he’s reacting poorly.

FWIW I love all the names and think you have great taste. I’m on team OP!

I get it’s frustrating that he’s not suggesting any names yet but he is allowed to not like names you suggest. Without meaning to pass judgement on those names, if DH had suggested any of them I would have vetoed pretty much all of them without consideration. So YABU to be annoyed he doesn’t like your names.

You need to both write lists of the names you like and then see where the middle ground sits. It’s not always easy but this is both your child we’re talking about, so you actually do have to agree.

Could you try a conversation which isn't I really love a particular name but just discussing names in general and what is important to you in a name, e.g. nickname or not, initials that work with your surname etc. I agree he should be kinder about your suggestions. My DP is a bit like this sometimes and it drives me mad - he could just say it nicely rather than in an insulting way

I’m 33 weeks and it’s not that he doesn’t want to come up with a name, he just doesn’t like the names I suggest but doesn’t put in any effort to come up with any! Given how difficult it is to find one we both like, I feel like we need to try to find common ground now.. it’s not like there’s something on the tip of the tongue we’ll both suddenly be happy with and I don’t want the stress of still needing to find something hanging over me when we have a new baby to deal with.

He's being a miserable git and it's not about the names. They're all completely reasonable suggestions. If he doesn't like them, he needs to step up and engage with the process. Not sulk, roll his eyes and be rude like a teenage boy. If this is what he's like about names, what is he going to be like about other decisions?

I do feel for you. Names are important to us and we had boy and girl names ready from the positive tests onwards.
I personally can't imagine waiting until the end of the pregnancy, although I know some people do.

He probably doesn't realise how important it is to you

He’s not being unreasonable to not like a name without a real reason. I don’t like Octavia and wouldn’t use it for a baby. I don’t have a good reason though other than the fact I don’t like it. Naming a baby with another person means your longtime favourite name may well be out - my top choice for a boys name is for no other reason than my husband doesn’t like it. He’s also not being unreasonable for not wanting to use a name he doesn’t like. Just shooting down names without suggesting anything himself is annoying though.

Would it be worth using a name app like Kinder? It works like Tinder for names, so you link accounts and swipe through names independently and any you match on go to a joint list. It might just stop the pattern of you suggesting a name and him saying no, and means that if feels like less of a rejection when your favourites aren’t names he likes, and he doesn’t need a reason for not wanting to use a name. Or an older fashioned/ less tech heavy way is to each individually look through the top 1000 (or however many) baby names (if you’re in England and Wales the 2023 data is being released on Thursday) and see if there’s any you have in common.

I thought your point was extremely clear.

Also Ottilie is really popular at the moment, so you end up with a naff and common name.

If you like multiple syllables, maybe Harriet?

where in the world are you finding those awful names?? Ophelia??? wtf????@Plum02 did you find an antique book called " Ye book of olde worlde names for your infant feminine offspring"

ottilie is gorgeous