Pissed off DH dismisses my name ideas

[Plum02]

Currently pregnant with DC1. My favourite boys name since I was a child was “Sebastian” which he knew before I was even pregnant. He said he hated it - couldn’t give a reason, to the point where it felt like he’d once said that so felt like he had to double down.

I’m now pregnant with a girl and I’ve spent a lot of time researching and coming up with name ideas. It just so happens every name I like DH apparently “hates”. So far I’ve suggested seven names I love:

• Margot - ugly, hates it
• Ophelia - horrible, hates it
• Clementine - awful, hates it
• Octavia - cars name, ridiculous
• Etta - doesn’t even sound like a real name, awful
• Penelope - sounds old fashioned, hates it

A few days ago I came across (and fell in love with) the name Ottilie. It’s unusual but classic, feminine and pretty. I thought it would be uncontroversial! I told him I’d found another name I love and before I even told him what it was he was rolling his eyes like “oh god, here we go”. Before I told him I said “you don’t have to respond straight away when I tell you, just take some time to think about it” - thinking that his automatic reaction seems to be to dismiss the names I suggest but if he thinks about it he might actually like it!

Of course as soon as I said it he said it he said “that is awful, I’m not calling my child otter”. I said “it’s Ottilie, the NN could be Tilly” then he starts telling a story about a pregnant 17 year old called Tilly (he has a public facing job).

He says I’m over-reacting to be annoyed just because he doesn’t like a name but I feel utterly depressed. He brings nothing to the table but it feels like before I even suggest something he’s made his mind up not to like it which feels so disrespectful. I also want to have a name I love, not just settle for something and it feels like I’ve exhausted all those names having gone through thousands to pick out the ones I love.

I feel like most men would be so much more laid back about girl’s names and let their wife take the lead, unless it’s something they truly hate - but how can he truly hate every name I come up with!

You’re not the OP, there’s no obligation to choose names that are neutral & universal - what does that even mean? Class neutral, gender neutral, race neutral, region or country neutral? Which? All? Subjective anyway.

What gallery are you trying to please exactly?

Why can’t middle class parents use what you perceive to be middle class names? What has that to do with Instamums and luvvies?

Not to mention Cherry and Plum.

@Mirabai @MissScarletInTheBallroom
Like I said, OP can do as she pleases. I'm just a random person giving my opinion on a public thread that she started. She can choose to ignore it. You can also choose to ignore me if my opinion bothers you so much.
Anyone can choose to call their child what they like, it's a free country 🤷‍♀️ But if you put a list of names on a thread on a forum then people will naturally comment on them. If you don't want that then don't post it on the internet, simple.

I think it’s interesting how David and Dave sound like they come from different social backgrounds. I’m not sure if there are any other full names that seem so downgraded by their abbreviation. In my opinion, of course.

In my experience, parents need to come at this whole process in their own way. We only properly decided on our son's name when he was born. And with every aspect of parenting, we have found our way much more clearly when he figured out his way of doing it and I figured out mine, and we didn't try to enforce our ways on the other. Luckily, we tended to end up at the same place! Until he meets the baby, your DH doesn't know who he is. You have the privilige of a physical bond, he doesn't. I would let him have the space to figure this out for himself without asking him to literally put a name to it!

Well, obviously, they are all called Rita and Doreen...

I’ve only read OP’s posts so apologies if this has already been suggested.

If he can’t come up with any suggestions, I would suggest you start with the top 100 names as he clearly has no idea what names are “usual” currently so that negates his argument that your choices are old fashioned or out there. Get him to rate every name as names he loves, names he likes, names he is neutral about and names he hates. Even if there is nothing you both love, that should give you an idea of his style so you can look for other names that you might both like. Going through something like kinder might be too overwhelming! If he can’t find any names in the top 100 that he loves, maybe he’ll realise he is being difficult…

FWIW I love all your suggestions!

The suggestions of them each coming up with a shortlist have been ignored because the OP's AIBU is that her husband is vetoing all the names on her shortlist whilst refusing to come up with a shortlist of his own.

To be fair, reading the OP again I am not 100% sure OP has actually asked him to come up with any of his own (though he could of course just be a grownup and get on with doing so).

Her AIBU is that he isn't letting her 'take the lead':

I feel like most men would be so much more laid back about girl’s names and let their wife take the lead

I suspect OP doesn't really want him to make a list because she doesn't think she would like it:

I also want to have a name I love, not just settle for something

So OP I think you should actively try to find out what names he likes and maybe you won't hate them all after all - like you said he should think about your names. It's symmetric, I really don't think it being a girls name makes any difference as to who should choose.

Maybe if you can get him talking about names in a less confrontational and defensive way he will decide he likes one of your original choices after all, or maybe you will find something non boring that you hadn't originally thought of.

I know you’re a random person. I’m not bothered by your opinion - merely curious as to why you think names must be ‘universal and neutral’ and what that actually means - to which you haven’t replied.

@Mirabai You seem pretty bothered. I've never said names MUST be universal and neutral - just suggested that this might be a good idea as the OP's husband hated all of her very stereotypically middle class/wannabe middle class names (which I happen to dislike too).
I've explained numerous times what a neutral name is - one that is found across the whole population and doesn't pigeonhole the person as being from a specific demographic. I've given various examples of the type of name I mean. I don't know how to explain it any clearer for you.

I genuinely don't believe such "neutral" names exist!

We have quite a few of OP's names in our wider family and we are not luvvies, insta huns or "wannabe" middle class people (the horror)!

Obviously I have asked him what names he likes - why would I say he won’t put forward any suggestions if I hadn’t even asked him? Of COURSE I want him to make a list so we can actually find something, why would I want to keep endlessly making suggestions for them to be shot down and no way of moving further forward? I want to find a name I love and if it just depends on me endlessly suggesting names which he automatically dismisses, at some point all the names I love will end up being ruled out! I need him to put forward some names he’s actually open to so I can find something we both like.

I said in my OP I don’t expect him to go along with a name he doesn’t like. But since I’m taking the lead in the suggestions I thought he’d be open minded about my suggestions and happy to at least consider some of them!

You’ve taken small extracts from my OP and totally misconstrued the whole post.

How can you say it pigeon holes when you say the names are both middle class and “wannabe middle class”? Surely “wannabe middle class” means you’re not middle class, you’re working class. Suggesting the names are used by both working class and middle class parents. Therefore, examples of the class neutral names you revere.

Ok @Plum02 , sorry! I hope you get it sorted out.

Many posters have said put a list of the top 100/200 names in front of him. He can cross the ones off he doesn’t like. Why won’t you do that?

I’m curious as to your mindset but I’m not sure why you think a random’s opinions affect me.

You’re assuming OP’s DH dislikes the names because they’re “stereoptypically middle class” but a. People have explained that’s not true and b. You’ve no idea that’s why he doesn’t like them.

Neutral names are not a thing. Anyone from any regional, cultural, national, racial background could have a name that reflects that - are you saying everyone should eschew their personal heritage in favour of John and Sarah?

It’s a complete bizarre idea. Reminds me of slave names.

What’s wrong exactly with parents giving their kids middle class or working class names anyway?

If you are middle class why can’t you give your kids middle class names?

The idea that people can’t cope with nail technicians called Octavia but they can with Ella-Blue or Hafida or Mai Ying is really odd.

But if you hate a name you hate it not always with a reason like it reminds you of something you just don't like it. Does thinking about it change a strong dislike? Maybe he prefers simple names but knows you won't so is just hoping you come up with something he can live with or shorten to what he likes? Have you actually asked him why he hasn't any suggestions?

People should be able to give their children whatever names they like.

Working class children who go to comprehensives study Shakespeare at school. What if Jade from the council estate loves drama and decides she wants to call her future child Ophelia or Hermione or Sebastian or Benedict or Lysander or Nerissa or Rosalind?

Half the people on thread would sneer at her and tell her to stay in her lane.

i think he is being an idiot, and he should consider your choices a bit more sympathetically, and make his own suggestion.

But have you tried suggesting names you dont like to gauge his reaction or provoke more input. It might give you an idea of the type he likes, so you can find something in that style you actually like, or make him think actually, octavia was really nice after all,

Just thinking of names very far from your taste, suggesting 'Moss', 'Diamanté', Susan, Janet, Lyric, Soul, Kerry, Nicola.

I'm an not suggesting these as bad names BTW, just very different to those you suggest.

Exactly. I know a Lysander who went to a comprehensive. He was named after the WW2 planes not MND. I asked him if he ever had any hassle for his name at school and he said never.

Have you spoken to your husband @Plum02?

I am massively over-invested in what you name your child now.

Just on the off chance that you go for Ottilie, OP, please make sure you know how it's pronounced. It doesn't sound like 'otterly'. It's 'oh-TEEL-ya'.

Oops posted too early!

Meant to add, sometimes it's worth suggesting names a few times. My husband wasn't a fan of the name Marcella at first but I kept it on the list as he hadn't completely said no and it grew on him. By the time she was born it was the only name we could agree on so that became her name :)

He downright hated our son's name and then did a complete 360 a few months later and said he loved it 🤷🏻‍♀️

There are two ways of pronouncing it - one German, one French. The French version is Otteelee.