To resent having to make a big deal out of in laws birthdays

[beedsy]

Because I think birthdays are for children and adults should only really celebrate big milestone birthdays.

But MIL forces all these birthday celebrations on us. Every year. Yet we never force our own birthdays on her or the rest of the family.

I resent having to make a big deal out to FIL birthday when I haven't forced him to make a big deal out of mine. It's the same months so always especially annoying.

I don't want to put people out and wouldn't expect them to celebrate me. But I always have to celebrate them and any time I have not been able to, it's been a big deal and I've been resented for it. Can't people just invite other birthday loving people, rather than expect people who don't make a big deal out of their own birthday - to make a big deal out of others ? Wouldn't that make more sense ? Leave us party poopers alone.

Why be a party pooper?

Just enjoy the party

Different families have different traditions. Birthdays have always been a big thing in our family. It's difficult if it isn't a thing you grew up with but I guess this is part of a partnership - accepting new things.

To me birthdays are for kids. Adults who force a big deal because of their birthday out of non birthday people are self indulgent.

No-one can force a birthday on you. If they are celebrating and you don't want to attend, just politely make your excuses.

Regardless of my feelings about birthdays, I love my family and will take any excuse to gather. My partner and I have very quiet birthdays and often will just have a nice meal at home. But I absolutely love it when people throw elaborate birthday parties (or, indeed, long weekend trips) and will never miss one if invited.

They enjoy celebrating their birthdays.
It’s all part of the rich tapestry of life…

Yeah they throw a hissy fit if you don't go. I would invite everyone if I was them, but I would not expect people who don't make a big deal out of their own birthdays, to come every year.

Do they have a gun to your head?

No one’s ‘forcing’ you to do anything.
Just don’t go.

And not celebrating your own birthday is your choice. Stop pushing your choices onto other people.

The key to this being ‘To me’

Of course you’re entitled to feel that way but it doesn’t make it fact. People celebrating their birthday isn’t that unusual.

People can only force things on you if you go along with it. If you hate it that much don’t get involved.

So don't go then. You sound unbelievably miserable. They're inviting you to a family celebration because you're part of their family. What you do for your own birthday is up to you, but it certainly doesn't mean other people should follow your utterly boring example.

I'm not pushing it on anyone.

I just don't want to have to go every year and be seen as a mean spirited person, just because I don't go.

Just refuse the invitation politely. What does your DP feel about these occasions?

What is the definition of a big deal? A big party every year or is it more like a visit or meal out?

Finds it annoying too.

I'm an adult and I have a birthdau every year. So do my adult children. We celebrate Evey Single One. Happily, willingly, joyfully.

But that's us ( and I resent you calling us self-indulgent - we are indulging our loved ones, not ourselves).

If you feel different - well, it takes all sorts. But, why don't you at least try to see birthdays from the perspective of people like your PILs and me - as an opportunity forca party and to show how much you appreciate the person whose birthday it is?

This! Surely it's a very minor thing to embrace when joining a new family. I'm not massive on birthdays but of all the compromises one could make with a partner's family, this is very minor.

What is the problem with showing up to a celebration?

it is your dh’s family so I assume he organises the present/card so all you need to do is show up? Do they live a long distance away?

You sound a bit of a buzz kill. It's nice to make a fuss of people you love for their birthdays unless they don't want to do anything.

I get you, but as you have undoubtedly realised, you can't prevent their reaction to your tepid acknowledgement of their birthday celebrations.

So at the moment your choice is either go, and do what is required to not suffer annoyance or their part, or don't go along with it and deal with their reaction.

Unfortunately, the option to make them understanding of the not going along with it option.
They may change after a few years or they may not, it won't be anything you can control.

What does your DH think? Does he enjoy the celebrations and want to join in?

If so, paint on a smile and go, because you love him and want to support him. If not then make your polite excuses.

I do get it. I endured many a crappy cake courtesy of MIL’s somewhat odd ideas of birthday treats. But I did it because DH wanted to be with his family, no matter how annoying they were.

As long as all they're doing is inviting me to a party then that's fine. You either attend or don't. You must know the kind of stuff she likes so just buy a low effort, tried and tested gift. If you can't come just send the gift or flowers/card.
I don't really see the problem. Some people enjoy celebrating all their birthday or just throwing parties. Just be busy on the day if you're not keen. You can't exactly tell them to stop celebrating things!

Don't go.

Explain you hate birthdays disliketheirfuncompany
If they think you are mean spirited then accept it - that's their opinion.

I don't get why you can't see it as an excuse for a family get-together (or do you dislike them?)

You can try and ignore the birthday element (get DH to get card/gift ignore the big birthday boy metallic badge your FIL wears and pretend its a boring old cake).

Thanks for getting it.

People who love birthdays, should hang with others who love birthdays and should expect those who love birthdays to attend their birthday.

Someone who doesn't make a fuss and therefore doesn't make other people go out of their way to celebrate them, shouldn't be expected to partake every year.

I don't mind going sometimes, especially a big one. But not every year to every family members birthday - when I NEVER put them out for my birthday. That's what a birthday is, you're putting other people out. You're forcing them to attend an event and they also need to bring something to it.

OP how would you feel if your PILs decided your kids birthdays “weren’t for them”?