To resent having to make a big deal out of in laws birthdays

[beedsy]

Because I think birthdays are for children and adults should only really celebrate big milestone birthdays.

But MIL forces all these birthday celebrations on us. Every year. Yet we never force our own birthdays on her or the rest of the family.

I resent having to make a big deal out to FIL birthday when I haven't forced him to make a big deal out of mine. It's the same months so always especially annoying.

I don't want to put people out and wouldn't expect them to celebrate me. But I always have to celebrate them and any time I have not been able to, it's been a big deal and I've been resented for it. Can't people just invite other birthday loving people, rather than expect people who don't make a big deal out of their own birthday - to make a big deal out of others ? Wouldn't that make more sense ? Leave us party poopers alone.

Yes, YABU.

In my case it's not reciprocal, because I never put my in laws out to celebrate my birthday

You mean 'You are not generous enough to invite your in-laws rounds even when it is your birthday' ?

If you want to be miserable and not get together the two times a year your in-laws will have their birthdays, that's on you. Fine, your choice, and of course you don't have to go. You aren't "forced to" at all. You can just excuse yourself.

They're your in-laws, it's once a year yabu a.d very precious. When did you get to be the birthday police?

Second one, of course.

And I go ! I only missed it once and it was not a great reaction.

OP, if relationships aren't the best why do you bother.
I don't know the birthdays of any of my in laws birthdays, nor they mine.
I can't imagine anything more tedious that having that every year.

You are a patient woman.

How many birthdays are you expected to attend each year? Two? Twelve?

You shouldn't be resentful of making an effort for your husband's family traditions imo - but if it's one at month or more I can see it getting exhausting. Everyone has to go out of their comfort zone to make the world go round.

@EvilsElsasPetSnowman I will celebrate my kids birthdays as long as they want me to. But I won't be forcing other people to do it. If my kids live with me and want a celebration then I will invite who they wish to invite.

I won't throw a hissy fit if my son's wife, can't make my daughter's 22nd birthday party one year.

But imagine your child having a partner who decides they don’t want to be part of a family celebration but then celebrates the same thing with other people

It's two days out of 365 for Christs sake.

Just suck it up. We all do stuff with our partners families that we're not mad about- it's all part and parcel of being married.

You clearly don't like them, so just own it and stop pretending it's such a ballache to eat some cake with your in laws.

@EvilsElsasPetSnowman it's none of my business what the partner does. The partner should celebrate my son, but not every member of the family every year. It's OTT.

You sound quite hypocritical. It’s self indulgent to demand that another adult doesn’t have a party because you don’t think that adults should celebrate birthdays. Their celebration does not revolve around you.

Perhaps it would help to change your perspective. Many older adults celebrate birthdays every year because they realise that their time going forward is limited just as a child celebrates the small amount of time that they’ve already had. It’s also an excuse to gather loved ones and ask them carve out time in their busy schedules to travel and visit. This is harder when you’re older and your loved ones are more scattered. Celebrations which are attend by all your loved ones become very precious so they are more eager to book them than a younger adult who loves with their loved ones. Seen from different perspective, celebrating every year makes a lot of sense.

It’s lovely that they love you enough to want you to attend. It sounds like you’re a valued DIL and not just a parent who they feel forced to invite.

they sound like kind, joyful people who enjoy celebrating. Try and decentre yourself and remember the thought don’t set the standards by which other people should live. I would personally suggest that you go and accept that this is a valuable part of joining a partners family. There are many worse things they could do! If that doesn’t work for you then very politely make excuses. Remember though that if you work the family in ways which are important to them they may not help your family in ways which are important you. That’s just the reality of putting in the work to be part of a family.

Maybe they're worried they might die soon?

You've answered your own question though: to you birthdays are for kids.

If the rest of the world agreed, birthdays would stop being taken any notice of at 18, but they don't.

Isn't everyday life boring enough? Can't you find a wee tiny bit of joy to make others feel special once a year?

How very depressing for you.

Wait a minute... didn't you say adults celebrating their birthdays is self-indulgent? But you are happy to celebrate your kids' for "as long as they want to". Why are your precious little darlings any different? You should stop attending their birthdays and resent them if they become upset. Otherwise, there just isn't any internal consistency to your own argument.

You sound quite hypocritical. It’s self indulgent to demand that another adult doesn’t have a party because you don’t think that adults should celebrate birthdays. Their celebration does not revolve around you.

I'm not asking them not to celebrate - celebrate all you want. Just don't throw a fit if I can't come every time. I've never said don't celebrate.

Just don't expect non birthday types like me to come and make a big deal every single year.

@Catza but it's completely different if they want me to celebrate their birthdays in our home when we live together and don't put other external people out.

Never mind OP. One day they'll all be dead and you won't have to pretend to like them for one day a year.

Does it mean you will stop attending your adult children's birthdays when they move out?

It’s once a year, common .. ( I’m a fellow party pooper, but wouldn’t be resenting my in-laws for wanting to celebrate their birthdays)
It’s really not a big ask.

No need whatsoever.

Birthday people should invite birthday people and leave us scrooges alone. Or invite us if you must, but don't expect us there every year.

Well put @ilovepuppies2019

OP - AIBU?
MN - yes
OP - no I'm not.

Repeat ad infinitum

How would that be categorised? Do you have some sort of Rolodex of birthday lovers and miseries birthday haters, and invite accordingly?

You're being really silly about this.

Agree with this.

OP when you say they throw a hissy fit what do they do/say?

Haha there are a couple of Scrooges who get it.