To resent having to make a big deal out of in laws birthdays

[beedsy]

Because I think birthdays are for children and adults should only really celebrate big milestone birthdays.

But MIL forces all these birthday celebrations on us. Every year. Yet we never force our own birthdays on her or the rest of the family.

I resent having to make a big deal out to FIL birthday when I haven't forced him to make a big deal out of mine. It's the same months so always especially annoying.

I don't want to put people out and wouldn't expect them to celebrate me. But I always have to celebrate them and any time I have not been able to, it's been a big deal and I've been resented for it. Can't people just invite other birthday loving people, rather than expect people who don't make a big deal out of their own birthday - to make a big deal out of others ? Wouldn't that make more sense ? Leave us party poopers alone.

So because some people have a bad time nobody ever should enjoy anything?

Geez you are a buzz kill, no wonder your in laws are upset with you.

Bet your kids cannot wait to be adults.
'Your birthdays are self indulgent and dont expect people to be happy to celebrate them with you. Dont expect anything ever cause everything is shit. How can you celebrate when others dont have awful birthdays.'

Brush up your acting skills and when the next party is announced, look devastated and go 'no, what are the chances! That's the same date as Sandra at work's leaving do that we've all been told we have to attend..'

Though I get the feeling even a Meryl Streep like performance wouldn't work as you've already made your dislike of them crystal clear.

I suspect a lot of your feelings here are down to the fact you don't seem to like your inlaws.

I love celebrating friends and families birthdays because I love them and want to celebrate another year around the sun with them.

You'd have to drag me kicking and screaming if my FIL wanted a birthday celebration, I loathe the man. Thankfully he doesn't.

Why should your inlaws have to change hue they celebrate their own birthdays because you don’t make a big deal out of yours? Are you Queen of the world that they must obey your commands?

Yes we don't have a great relationship.

Not me. Nor my husband. Even my kids don't like a load of fuss with extended family. They are young adults now, and prefer to keep it small, with just immediate family. They may also choose to have a night out with their mates, like any other week, but they may get a couple of drinks bought for them.

Everyone is different though. I tolerate 😆going to other people's birthday parties, but I have to be honest, in our extended family, on both sides, we don't all tend to bother with a normal birthday, only the special ones. People are too busy, its hard to get everyone free on the same date. plus there are quite a few of them so we'd forever be at someone's birthday party, it seems OTT.

Never said they have to change anything at all.

They can just accept that I can't attend everyone's birthday every year without throwing a hissy fit. That's all I ask.

My mum told me I had to buy a gift for my auntie and uncles wedding anniversary.

I just laughed, trying to imagine me expecting my nephew to acknowledge my anniversary. I mean, why would he?! 😆

I hate celebrating my birthday, although I will allow my husband to organise a private dinner somewhere really nice and I’ll play happy the whole evening. I have only celebrated one single birthday in my entire life when I was a child. It was the same with our wedding, it was absolute torture for me and had to hide in our suite frequently to recompose myself.

However, I love going to other people’s celebrations. I don’t care what they are - wedding anniversary, your pet’s birthday, promotion, I. don’t. care. I’m there full of gifts and my best mood.

How do 'birthday people' know who other 'birthday people' are? Is there a badge or secret code?

I completely get where you’re coming from. In my family we celebrate birthdays but there’s no expectations on anyone. Whereas with my in laws it feels very forced and we should make a big song and dance about it, especially when mil’s birthday seems to overshadow her own children’s birthdays. I don’t know, it just seems very odd to me and like you say self indulgent.

She’s not saying that at all, she’s saying they shouldn’t throw a tantrum about her not attending. The issues isn’t that they celebrate, the issue is that they kick up a stink if she doesn’t want to attend

You do sound miserable and mean spirited. Why is is so hard to see them? Must be a big back story or do they expect you to go on their birthday and they live 3 hours away or something

What’s wrong with indulging oneself once a year, @beedsy?

Adult life can be pretty mundane and even depressing, so if someone enjoys celebrating their birthday, what’s wrong with that? Why should all the fun stuff be ‘just for kids’? You don’t have to celebrate your birthday, if you don’t want to, but it seems a bit Scrooge-like to want to deny other people their fun.

If you can’t make it to a birthday celebration, you shouldn’t be given a hard time - that is wrong of your in-laws - but can’t you just see it as a party and a bit of fun, if you do go?

I'm not surprised.

My in laws are like this. Not only do they tell you who to buy for but they give you a date to buy it for. Eg I’ve had a text today telling me I have to have all presents bought & delivered to my MILs house by Friday so 4 days notice (who says I can even afford to them so quickly) & they tell you who to buy for, so not just kids but separate presents for x4 great aunts & uncles, x 4 for aunts & uncles, x6 for cousins & their partners, x7 for the children of counsins & x2 for the dogs. If you don’t buy them MIL gets a text message of disappointment/anger which she then sends onto me. I’ve said I’m not doing anymore, if hubs wants to do it so be it but I’ve had enough. But I’m ’the worst DIL’ & they let me know it, even having the nickname FDL (favourite daughter in law) for their other sons wife…

Presumably they have a party or a meal and they invite you? That’s not forcing birthday celebrations on you: it’s taking the birthday as an excuse to host a social event, surely?

This is very, very common. People normally like being invited to parties or meals. And those who invite others do tend to be a bit sad if family members just don’t want to come.

Unless there’s a whole load of back story I’ve missed, I think you’re being unreasonable.

In terms of your time, though, is it any different from if you were just going to visit them?

If you liked your inlaws would you be fine with it?

When you say you're expected to make a big deal each year, what are you actually expected to do? Attend a meal and be pleasant company for a few hours?

And you can add Valentine's day as well. I'm with you OP. My DH knows not to get me everything on Valentine's day or Mother's day. If he wants to offer me a book or some chocolate I prefer he does it on a day when he feels like it, not a day when he feels forced to do it. Kids drawings or crafts are always appreciated though..

I also think that birthdays are a big deal for children, not for adults but I know not everyone agrees with that so I make an effort for people I love. For others I just happen to be extremely "busy":)

I completely disagree op - birthdays are in no way just for children. I can’t understand couples where they buy kids gifts but not each other. If it’s about money just buy something little or do small celebrations but never not do it 😳

I think your in laws are very rude to not turn up to their grandchildren’s birthday parties or that they turn up at the end, which is also rude.

As they are rude, stop going to their parties.

And do not get involved in their presents and birthday cards, let DH sort it.

To you...

Other people enjoy it

You've married into one of those families