To resent having to make a big deal out of in laws birthdays

[beedsy]

Because I think birthdays are for children and adults should only really celebrate big milestone birthdays.

But MIL forces all these birthday celebrations on us. Every year. Yet we never force our own birthdays on her or the rest of the family.

I resent having to make a big deal out to FIL birthday when I haven't forced him to make a big deal out of mine. It's the same months so always especially annoying.

I don't want to put people out and wouldn't expect them to celebrate me. But I always have to celebrate them and any time I have not been able to, it's been a big deal and I've been resented for it. Can't people just invite other birthday loving people, rather than expect people who don't make a big deal out of their own birthday - to make a big deal out of others ? Wouldn't that make more sense ? Leave us party poopers alone.

So you're a miserable martyr who chooses to go without and you hate anyone trying to have fun celebrating their own life and resent them for involving you in their life?

Weird thing to come and admit.

Maybe you need to look into what happened to cause you to have such hatred for celebrations of life, its a little worrying.

YANBU. My ILs make a big deal out of their birthdays and get huffy if I don't call them early enough on the day to wish them happy birthday. It also means they insist on spoiling my birthday by calling me.
Ds1 had the audacity to be born the day after my MIL. One year when he was small, we dared to have his party on her birthday because it fell on a Saturday. FIL came but MIL stayed home because 'people might pass by the house to wish me happy birthday'.

Crikey, you sound very joyless. YABU.

That's what a birthday is, you're putting other people out. You're forcing them to attend an event and they also need to bring something to it

What an absolute miserable outlook.

Do your in laws a favour next time they invite you & don't go. With that miserable attitude I can't imagine you'll be missed

You sound like a real old sour puss and I imagine that's how they refer to you-with justification.

You don't like to celebrate your birthday-fine. They don't celebrate it. they don't come around with balloons, a DJ and a five tiered cake do they-they leave you to be miserable.

They like to celebrate their birthday once a year-that's fine too. What loss is it to you to spend a few hours at a birthday party. What would you be doing instead-discovering a cure for the common cold, writing a Booker prize winning novel or cloning a sheep?

That said, they probably dread your arrival at the party so just tell them you are not a celebratory person-having nothing to celebrate- and leave them to have a good time.

If they want, they can dress up a broom as the Grim Reaper and pretend you're there with your loving bonhomie!

If they want, they can dress up a broom as the Grim Reaper and pretend you're there with your loving bonhomie!

😂😂😂 love this

An invitation is not a summons.

Just, simply, don't go. Tell the people you just don't get/like birthday parties. Who knows, you might find a lot of them feel the same, and the family dynamic changes.

Why are you refusing to answer the question of what these celebrations consist of?

Is it a full on party every year? A meal? A get together at home with cake?

I'm imagining my side of yhe family being like that, and adding in the awful matriarch telling us who to buy and by when. It's horrific. We'd spend our entire year almost going to bloody family irthday parties and our entire income on presents.

My mother's generation: 6 all married, so 12
My generation: 26, allmarried, so 52
Dd's generation: lostcount, but maybe 60? Some married so more really
Next gen: at least 10.

That's 130 or so birthday parties every bloody year

It's not just indulging one person once a year - that's doable. But if the whole family are like that it would be hell. Don't make a thing of it. Just say to dh next time that you're really sorry, you've got something booked so you can't go to Great Aunt Vera's party this afternoon, can he give her your love? Send family gifts so dh can get something from all of you then you're covered. Likewise, the card is signed by all of you and dh has written the lovely stuff inside.....

If you don't announce that you're not doing it any more, and do it one party at a time as they come along, you'll get away with it for ages.

Summarised incorrectly with a tired cliché.

It depends who's birthday it is. FIL usually is a big meal out with about 20 people which I need to drag myself and my kids to- 1 and a half hours drive ( restaurant ). We live close but the restaurant they choose is very far.

MIL had a big birthday this year, which I actually think is fair enough to celebrate. So that was a big party of maybe 30-40 people. Thankfully it was local but again it was a big deal. I had to help organise it, even though I have shit to do- work full time with two kids and got roped into organising. Again, I don't ever put anyone else out to organise my birthdays- ever. And even if I did want to celebrate, I would sort it all out myself. If it was my mum's birthday and I wanted to celebrate I sure as hell would not bother my sister in law about organising it- when I know she works full time with an absent husband and two small kids. I wouldn't make it her problem.

BIL had a big party this year too.

SIL didn't have a big one- I think we just had a meal at home with birthday cake and singing.

My husband and I both don't celebrate really, we acknowledge it for the kids, because they enjoy it. But we keep it in our home and immediate family.

So it depends, but can be quite a big affair when in laws celebrate.

Why are you expected to help organise the parties and not your DH, their son?

Have you said no and told them to ask DH?

To me birthdays are for kids. Adults who force a big deal because of their birthday out of non birthday people are self indulgent.

This is your belief.

Others are free to think differently. They’re no more right or wrong than you are.

I think that's she said 'to me', ie that is her belief.

I’m not a big birthday person, and don’t tend to do anything (big birthdays I do a birthday trip with friend inbetween our bdays). But it’s fairly normal to have a family meal for a birthday. Thankfully my ex inlaws didn’t celebrate birthdays or christmas due to their religion, though they did like to come for the kids birthdays

I am big on adult birthdays, especially my own 😂

However, you aren’t. Not only that, but you don’t even like these people. So just don’t go, and let them throw a hissy fit. Who cares?

You need to learn to give fewer fucks.

I get it OP, it's the hissy fits and the being expected to block off those dates every single year when you're probably quite busy with work and kids. That would annoy me too and I bet they wouldn't do it for you if birthdays were your thing.

So three parties a year, only one of which was not local.
One was a restaurant which surely is not too stressful to attend.

YABVU.

Inviting someone to a celebration is a nice gesture. Did you feel you ‘put people out’ by inviting them to your wedding? If you don’t want to attend, don’t go. But they’re inviting you to what they see as a happy occasion, not forcing you to clean their house! Are you this curmudgeonly with your own family?

This is the most miserable, joyless interpretation of a party invitation I have ever seen.

I don't especially care about birthdays per se but it is absolutely ridiculous to take offense at being invited to a celebration, and to consider it some sort of imposition.

I mean would you rather no one wanted you at their parties and the invitations dried up? I'm always happy to get an invite, even if the party itself might not be to my taste or convenience, because it means someone enjoys my company enough to want me there.

I get it OP. I find adults who make a big fuss of their birthdays a bit annoying and self-indulgent particularly if they have a hissy fit if you don't attend their birthday celebrations.

If you dislike your in-laws as people, you will feel even less inclined to attend.

That's a bit of a sweeping statement. Of course not everyone enjoys a fuss, regardless of age. Maybe everyone you know does, but it isn't a universal truth.

OP wouldn't care about how they celebrate their birthdays, if they didn't make a fuss if she didn't attend. She resents that her attendance is pretty much compulsory, with consequences if she declines the invitation.

OP, do you mark the in-laws’ birthdays in other ways with a card and a phone call?