To resent having to make a big deal out of in laws birthdays

[beedsy]

Because I think birthdays are for children and adults should only really celebrate big milestone birthdays.

But MIL forces all these birthday celebrations on us. Every year. Yet we never force our own birthdays on her or the rest of the family.

I resent having to make a big deal out to FIL birthday when I haven't forced him to make a big deal out of mine. It's the same months so always especially annoying.

I don't want to put people out and wouldn't expect them to celebrate me. But I always have to celebrate them and any time I have not been able to, it's been a big deal and I've been resented for it. Can't people just invite other birthday loving people, rather than expect people who don't make a big deal out of their own birthday - to make a big deal out of others ? Wouldn't that make more sense ? Leave us party poopers alone.

We absolutely have to see MIL on her birthday every year. It's annoying because it's usually during a half term where we go on a local holiday, and we have to leave our holiday to go and see her (3 hour round trip).

My parents would be horrified if we suggested taking a day out of a family holiday to see them on their birthday!

I think yanbu on the grounds that you are expected to help and if you don’t come it’s an issue vs being a guest.

I don’t think the birthday celebrations are the issue, it’s the lack of consideration and expectations from your in-laws.

@thepariscrimefiles yes exactly that.

I also don't mind going sometimes. It's just tedious that it's every time and that if I can't make it and that's only happened once, it's not well received.

I totally get mile stone birthdays by the way. Just every year birthdays is too much for me.

Of course, birthdays aren't just for children! What a miserable attitude. And "non-birthday people"?? Just enjoy a nice day making someone feel loved.

You are being mean spirited because you won’t accept their different view and make the best of it. You’re not even saying you don’t like parties just that you think adults shouldn’t have them. So it seems all that is troubling you is that people are aware you’re mean spirited and express their feelings about it.

Or to put it another way, they are expressing their opinion of your opinion.

Exactly.

I choose to go on solo trips and outings for my birthdays. The thought of a party for me makes me cringe.

You sound miserable as, OP, with a whole load of mental baggage around birthdays . If you don't want to go, decline. If they throw a hissyfit that's their energy. You don't sound like you like them at all so you've lost nothing.

I bet they wouldn’t really care if you never showed up . You probably have a face like you’ve been sucking on lemons all night .

If that were the case, OP wouldn’t be so annoyed about it.

She missed one and they had an issue with it.

I love making family feel special on their birthdays. My MILs birthday this year, we made a lovely lunch and had a great time together. You don't seem to like your in laws and I can't imagine, based on your posts, that you bother to hide it.
Don't go and just leave it to those who love them to celebrate with them.

A birthday every year is too much for you? Jeez. Either go and have a good time or say you can’t make it. Negative reaction? Shut it down. If they kick off then ask them not to invite you next time. Don’t feed the drama.

She didn't show up to one birthday and they really did care to the point of throwing a hissy fit. So maybe the OP doesn't have a face like she's been sucking on lemons all night, or maybe her ILs don't even care whether their guests are enjoying themselves or not.

What a relief to find a voice of common sense in an increasingly poison-vine filled wilderness.

This thread has surpassed even usual Mumsnet standards for its characteristic vicious responses, unnecessarily tearing holes in the OP's character and wilfully misunderstanding what she actually wrote. OP is not attempting to dictate how others spend their birthdays. She simply doesn't want to deal with the guilt trips and sulky behaviour she receives on politely declining an event which doesn't happen to be a pleasure.

Personally, if there is one idea I hate more than the thought of organised, choreographed jollity every year on my birthday, it would be having people attend these contrivances under sufferance. I want the company of those who enjoy being with me, who want to be there voluntarily, not because a vesuvius-style strop is in the offing because they've dared to decline. I can't bear the idea of being an obligation, a duty or a burden. I'd prefer my own company to that eventuality.

Evidently, the level of demand fellow-site-members agree is acceptable from their families, or that they expect from others, differs from mine. I'm all for everyone doing what makes them personally happy. And, yes. We did elope.

I agree that the in-laws are highly unreasonable to respond in this way when someone declines an invitation. How often is the platitude 'it's not a summons' trotted out on this site?

To read this thread, you'd never think it.

@SerafinasGoose - in her OP, @beedsy said “…birthdays are for children and adults should only celebrate big birthdays…” - which, to me, looks very much like her wanting to dictate how others celebrate their birthdays!

It reminds me of that infamous wedding thread where the OP couldn't make her brother's wedding and all these posters were telling her that she absolutely had to go. Memorable suggestions to "make it work" included chartering private transport and her family members camping on the grounds of the wedding venue.

No, that is simply her personal view. It's not a diktat that everyone else has to see this the same way she does. As it happens, I don't. DH and I do make a thing of celebrating ours with gifts and a meal and/or day out: just not with parties.

She's not telling her in-laws not to have parties. She simply doesn't want to attend all of them.

There is a big difference.

Was this the one in the far reaches of Scotland with no transport links?

Mumsnet is a laugh a minute 😂

Look, people are allowed to be entitled idiots. And they're allowed to throw a hissy fit when they don't get what they think they're entitled to. You're also allowed to think they're ridiculous, ignore the hissy fit, think less of them for it and carry on as you please. You can't deny them their emotions, and you can't deny them the right to be idiots. Neither can they deny you the right to be a scrooge and not join their celebrations. Live and let live, in discomfort on both sides!

@beedsy , how does your partner feel about all this? He’s grown up in a family that make a big deal out of birthdays and probably thinks that’s normal and I assume loves his parents and wouldn’t want to upset them.
For me this is about good manners which is the art of giving due consideration to the feelings of others which you appear to be adamant you will not do. I’d say that was extremely selfish of you, petulant even. If twice a year for the sake of family happiness you can’t turn up, sing happy birthday and eat cake I really don’t know what to say, it’s hardly very much to ask.
PS
Everything isn’t all about you! 🙄

We will have to agree to disagree, @SerafinasGoose, because the OP’s statement seems pretty clear about her wish that other adults shouldn’t celebrate their birthdays (other than big ones).

We get this too, the very rigid expectation that everyone will be at every birthday in the wider family and other social occasions, despite what plans they have of their own, how busy their lives are or what distance they have to travel.

I love birthdays, but also value flexibility in being able to say no without a guilt trip or telling off. It is the consideration and respect of others that is missing,

OP says he is an absent father so that probably adds more to it if she is the one that is wrangling the kids while everyone enjoys themselves.

The world also doesn’t revolve around her in-laws. Expecting someone to come to your birthday party every year regardless if they have other priorities/pressing matters Is ridiculous, even more so to hold it against them for missing one out of years.

@beedsy I get you! YANBU

Birthdays are most definitely not just for kids! 😂 I love my birthday. We didn't have much growing up and I was number 4 of 6 kids so finally being an adult and being made a bit of a fuss off is fab. I don't expect it but it's lovely when people make an effort for you (& I always try to reciprocate). Of course it's fine if you don't like celebrating your own birthday OP but if you know someone else appreciates it, then go and make merry. It's not a big ask to go out for dinner or eat cake (unless you can't afford it or have crippling anxiety etc).

You sound like a fun sponge.