To resent having to make a big deal out of in laws birthdays

[beedsy]

Because I think birthdays are for children and adults should only really celebrate big milestone birthdays.

But MIL forces all these birthday celebrations on us. Every year. Yet we never force our own birthdays on her or the rest of the family.

I resent having to make a big deal out to FIL birthday when I haven't forced him to make a big deal out of mine. It's the same months so always especially annoying.

I don't want to put people out and wouldn't expect them to celebrate me. But I always have to celebrate them and any time I have not been able to, it's been a big deal and I've been resented for it. Can't people just invite other birthday loving people, rather than expect people who don't make a big deal out of their own birthday - to make a big deal out of others ? Wouldn't that make more sense ? Leave us party poopers alone.

You don’t speak for all of MN, she is not BU. The DGPs are rude for not attending their DGC parties.

I think being a bit more accepting of others' views and how they feel is part and parcel of life, and rubbing along nicely in life.

I'd say it's a bit miserable to decide not to join in at all forever more, amen type thing to spite your in-laws. They might enjoy your company, and find hosting celebrations something that gives them pleasure to have time with family.

IMHO life is too short to be the killjoy. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and preferences, but it seems a little mean-spirited to have a "why should I go to any more ever?!" type of attitude.

Hardly! 😂

Plenty of us hate having a fuss made of us so we’re the ones that never post personal stuff on social media, never take selfies, get married v quietly in a registry office with no extra guests or any photographs etc. Some of us avoid fuss at all costs.

I enjoy celebrating some special occasions with others (0 birthdays usually) but hate weddings generally (too many people getting drunk) and I completely agree with the OP. The in-laws can throw birthday parties every year but they’re very unreasonable to get mardy just because some people don’t want to attend every celebratory occasion.

I’m having a roundy 0 birthday next year and plan to have a city break for a few days as a treat, just me and DH. No fuss, no fucks!

I feel your pain. Every year my husband has a quiet birthday, I take him out, his parents arrange nothing for him. Yet when it comes to their birthdays, they expect my husband to organise and pay for everything.

You sound utterly joyless. Do you sit there with a face like a slapped behind at these events?

Ok not everyone enjoys being the centre of attention ie a fuss, but I think if no one wished you happy birthday you’d be a bit upset.

In my case it's not reciprocal, because I never put my in laws out to celebrate my birthday.

It’s not reciprocal because you don’t want it. Your rather niche view on the subject of birthdays only being for children means you don’t WANT a celebration. Your in-laws would be disrespecting your wishes if you came home on your birthday to a bouncy castle on the lawn and jelly and ice cream.

I don’t think you’ve actually answered any of the questions about what these oh so onerous birthday celebrations actually entail?
Are they the birthday equivalent of a destination wedding, complete with BirthdayZilla MIL? 🦖

I think you should have been more upfront in your OP and just admitted you don’t like your ILs, have a poor relationship with them and don’t want to spend any time with them.

You sound like a right miserable cow 😂 I don't have birthday parties for myself, but if people I care about want to celebrate theirs, I'm there!

This is because you dislike them, surely, unless you really are that much of a misery guts?

Look, as you say, this is YOUR opinion and what YOU THINK.

My mum loves a birthday, throws a big party every year. I never celebrate mine/ don’t tell people when it is. Horses for courses.

Different people think different things are important. Some people think their wedding is important and expect everyone to attend and celebrate. Some people think baby related things like baby showers are important. Others want to host a big family Christmas. And others are antisocial and just want to see select friends now and then.

If you care about someone, you are there for the things that make them happy. If your inlaws are jovial party-loving people then a part of showing them you care about them and love them is to join them in things they think are important.

As a child/ teen i loathed being a part of ‘annoying, pointless’ family occasions too. Then I grew up and realised that life is about giving and giving your time and company to people matters. They won’t be around forever, do things to make others happy

Op ...how many parties a year would you say..? If it's one for each family member..?

Only on here would people say 'dont go then' as a serious option. Good grief.

It is tiresome when adults act like children, yes. You probably have to grin and bear it for the most part I am afraid.

We have family celebrations for everyone’s birthday - ours, our DC and their children. We even include the in-laws. Why? Because there are so many hard times we choose to celebrate the good times.

I don’t think this is really about birthdays. It’s more about OP not having a great relationship with inlaws I think.

Calm yourself down, I haven't even given an opinion on the subject, just summarised what has happened 🙄

Maybe they'd like to?

if not, don't go!

You don't want to please them, you hate it, so stop it

Well you're very much in the minority. All this birthdays are for children is just joyless nonsense. Do you plan on never celebrating your own children's birthdays as soon as they hit 18? Life can be hard, why make it even harder by refusing get together with loved ones for an evening to celebrate their birthday. I can't even comprehend how much of a misery youd have to be to moan about it.

You don't like birthday parties for adults.
Your in laws do.
Not knowing them, they might just like to enjoy every moment they can. In their own way.
You don't want to do that. Fine.
Do you actually like them?

Specifically what do they expect you to do on their birthdays?

If you’ve told them you’re not a party lover and don’t want to attend then their reaction is not your problem.
Stop attending something only because you don’t want a negative response.
Embrace your party pooping and ignore the backlash. If it’s not your bag it’s not your bag. Don’t upset yourself over it.

In the words of the fiona is that a spirit behind you lady...lighten up, you miserable little thing.

Why can't you just put a smile on your miserable face twice a year?

Let them throw a hissy fit then?

I had to laugh at this … it’s exactly what I was thinking.

Stop being such a killjoy OP, life’s to short for making mountains out of molehills!

I get u OP but I think u
this is a case of 'putting up and shutting up.
Paint a smile on your face, it gets easier with practice

What does a "hissy fit" look like in this case?

Quite honestly, I'd be pleased if someone refused to come who was otherwise just going to sit there with a face like a smacked arse and be grumpy.