To resent having to make a big deal out of in laws birthdays

[beedsy]

Because I think birthdays are for children and adults should only really celebrate big milestone birthdays.

But MIL forces all these birthday celebrations on us. Every year. Yet we never force our own birthdays on her or the rest of the family.

I resent having to make a big deal out to FIL birthday when I haven't forced him to make a big deal out of mine. It's the same months so always especially annoying.

I don't want to put people out and wouldn't expect them to celebrate me. But I always have to celebrate them and any time I have not been able to, it's been a big deal and I've been resented for it. Can't people just invite other birthday loving people, rather than expect people who don't make a big deal out of their own birthday - to make a big deal out of others ? Wouldn't that make more sense ? Leave us party poopers alone.

Well, I’m happy to be self indulgent. I love having birthdays. Beats being miserable as sin.

Life is short and can be hard OP. If your in-laws want to maximise every excuse to get together with the people they love and celebrate then I don't blame them.

If you don't want to go then simply don't go. You obviously don't like them, so I'm not sure why you'd care if they're upset or moan about it.

@MillyMichaelson yes I literally know who likes birthdays amongst my friends and who doesn't.

People who love birthdays, should hang with others who love birthdays and should expect those who love birthdays to attend their birthday.
I hate my birthday. I refuse to acknowledge it. I refuse to let anyone else acknowledge it. No cards, no presents, no mentioning of it at all. It's been a little fractious occasionally when in-laws just didn't get it and wouldn't stop buying me stuff but they finally started doing what I want. Which I massively appreciate. And the flip-side is that they also get whatever they want, which is usually a meal out and for milestone ones often a holiday somewhere.

I don't think in any way that me not wanting to celebrate my birthday means I shouldn't celebrate someone's else's the way they want.

When you say celebrate, is this an invite to their house for takeaway or a meal at the local pub or is it a full blown party every year?

I hate how people measure how much they're cared about by how much attention they get on their birthdays or on Mother's Day.

Nah yabu. Everyone enjoys a fuss, regardless of age.

But for your in-laws birthdays are for everyone, so why are they wrong and you are right? You must have noticed this before you married into the family. Seriously life is too short for you to want to rain on other people’s parade.

I think it's about recognising that there will be times in life where others care more about something than you. You do it because it's important to them and you care about them rather than because of your own feelings about it.

Your birthday may not be important to you - that's valid. Their birthday is important to them - that's also valid. If someone cares about their birthday and someone close to them doesn't that is very likely to feel like a rejection and a slight even if you don't intend it that way.

I see birthdays as an opportunity to show care for people I don't see all the time.

A fuss that people compare to other people's fuss. What if the fuss made for you is shit ? And makes you feel shit, because you had huge expectations ? Better not to expect anything.

I don't understand why it puts you out to attend a celebration, they're not asking you to organise it, just show up,.eat, drink, be merry. Why is that a chore? You seem against birthdays which is a bit odd, being apathetic about your own is one thing but to be actively against going to something someone else has organised seems an overreaction.
FWIW do you answer the door if you're not expecting anyone?

Just send your partner/ kids and say you’re busy/ hobby which has been pre-planned/ not feeling great. No need to overthink it, just don’t go.

TBH it sounds like you just don’t like them much to me.

Probably because it's a big deal for you but for literally nobody else.

This exactly. When you marry into a family you accept some of their traditions as they accept yours.

Do you like your DH mum and Dad? As that’s probably more to do with how you feel about their birthdays?

That's such a low bar, don't bother with anything because it might be shit, better to live your life without expecting or doing anything..... That sounds a miserable existence

Tbh op this probably says more about your views on life and people in general than it does about your in laws...

Do you generally take the approach of asking for nothing because you expect to be let down if you do?

No judgement- plenty of people feel this way for good reason because of past hurts. But if that's the case then you need to be able to recognise that this is a you issue (even if totally valid) and others aren't being unreasonable to see life a little differently.

@MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira I get what you are saying but birthdays and Mother's Day and that kind of day can be upsetting to so many people.

Just check Mumsnet on Mother's Day. Maybe we should just expect people to treat us well every day.

It's something about that generation.

My parents and aunts/uncles are all obsessed with marking birthdays and wedding anniversaries. Mum will message me saying "it's your Aunt Lorraine and Uncle Phil's wedding anniversary next week. You might want to send a card." Not even a significant anniversary. Baffling. I feel like boomers are propping up the card industry single-handedly.

I just don't want to have to go every year and be seen as a mean spirited person, just because I don't go.

Better not to expect anything.

You are mean-spirited but I suspect the second quote has a back story. Would you say you're generally a happy, empathetic, kind, contented person? Because I wonder. And that's sometimes deeper.

FWIW I think adult birthdays serve a purpose for children. They get to be generous, thoughtful and kind and receive praise for that. It's a day they can be selfless, which is something we all learn how to apply judiciously.

Just say no and take your lumps.

"Dear dh, as you know my family don't make big deal of birthdays, except for kids. I really feel uncomfortable doing it, in fact I hate it, so I'm going to leave it to you to deal with from now on. You won't need to worry about my side, obviously, as none of us do it or want. Our birthdays, yours and mine, remain as they are between us of course."

I have these same type of in laws & you are made to be the worst of the worst of people. There are usually tears, look at what you’re doing to us, we’ve never been so upset etc etc. They tell everyone at the party how much you’ve upset the birthday person, they tell them they have no idea why you don’t care etc. They make a huge deal out of it both to your face & to others, they are really manipulative & if you choose to pull away & reduce contact then they use that as an excuse to ‘confirm’ how much of a bad person you are to other people. And because they’ve carefully crafted the personality of being wonderfully thoughtful to those around them (with the exception of a few key people they don’t like) people believe them.

It makes every extended family event unbearable, it’s causes issues with wider family members who ‘pull you up on how much you’ve upset the birthday person’, it’s absolute hell. I have no contact with most of the family now, only the people who know what they are like because they’ve had it done to themselves & it’s really tough to have everyone turn on you over something as simple as not wanting to go to every single birthday party. No one is holding a literal gun to your head but in a way…

Yes and that includes recognising what's important to our family members, like celebrating their birthdays

I just want to point out that I really don't mind celebrating a big birthday ! I get it. I just think every single year, to make a big deal- is a bit much.

Wait and see how you feel when your kids are fully grown and need busy with their own lives - I bet you'll hope to see them on your birthday.

On the other hand - for your in-laws, given how un-lovely a dil you sound I doubt they'll care if you don't attend. If you just send their child and grandchild/ren along whilst you stay home they'll probably secretly be quite happy.

Well said! 👏