To make my son pay

[SirHisss]

For his own coat?

He has lost his at school. The replacement for the one he lost at the beginning of this year.

I can't let him go through the whole winter without a decent coat, so it's not something I can just refuse to replace and let him put up with not having one.

He has been round the whole school/lost property twice and it hasn't turned up so I believe someone has taken it, but it wouldn't have been taken if he hadn't left it at his arse in the first place.

He is always losing things, I feel like banging my head off the wall. I don't know how to get through to him. Jacket, sports equipment, trainers, we are on our third replacement bus pass since term started in September.

He was made to replace the lost sports equipment with his pocket money, and when he loses his bus pass he has to pay his own bus fare whilst we wait on a replacement but it doesn't make a difference.

He is a teenager, tall and broad shouldered so has outgrown kid's sizes - a decent jacket does not come cheap!

He is going to buy an air tag for the next one, which I think is a good idea and he can pay for that himself. It's just so frustrating, I work hard and he has nice, good quality things - this wasn't a flimsy cagoule from Primark and it'll be a significant chunk of my budget to replace it. But clothing him is my responsibility and it feels mean to get him to pay for something essential.

Is he losing it or is it being stolen off him and he doesn't want to tell you?

He is losing it.

Charity shop? Our local ones have had some nice warm coats.
I bought a Hobbs parka last year for £15, and almost picked up a warm waterproof Regatta coat for £12 last week before deciding I didn't really need another.

You could give him £10/15 for a secondhand coat, but if he wants new he could make up the difference.

Look for a coat on Vinted. Definitely don’t buy a new coat. And yes make him contribute towards it.

I solved that one by never buying branded goods for school. The thieves go for branded stuff.

Also, sew in a name label, or iron in one of those name labels that won't come off. It's too much hassle to unpick or scrape out a label.

In your situation, I'd buy him a basic supermarket jacket as a replacement. It won't get stolen, and having to wear something he's less keen on might make him take more care.

I would replace it with a secondhand or much cheaper one.
Even if he’s not been careless then they do get stolen; nice stuff is taken from lost property too in my experience.

Losing things is a very common inattentive adhd trait

I’d be replacing it with a basic cheap coat, he needs to learn a lesson.

Why are you buying expensive coats for school? Kids lose things at school, even good kids. Buy a replacement off vinted. Honestly. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I think this is a very good idea - or of there are cheap brands which are warm enough then you can say "I'll pay £ for a second hand/cheap coat, if you want something as nice/branded as the one you lost, you pay the ££ difference"

This is assuming he has some way of earning/paying the money of course, otherwise it's a bit unfair as he can't pay whether he wants to or not!

I’m in a similar situation. DS16 has just lost his Nike hoodie-cost me £50. He said straightaway that he would pay for a new one himself from his savings. He’s looked in every classroom he was in plus lost property twice. It’s possible someone has taken it - but if he’d put it in his bag as advised it would not have walked.

Unlike yours, he doesn’t need it right now- he has sweatshirts he can wear instead under his coat and he won’t need it as a sole outer layer until spring. So yes, he is going to pay for it himself.

In your case, as it’s a coat I think I’d arrive at a compromise-maybe offer to get him a cheap one or put something towards a better one, but he needs to feel the consequences so that hopefully he’ll learn to look after his property better.

Honestly I understand the thinking, that he’ll take responsibility and it won’t be a problem but as you’ve said it doesn’t make a difference.

I think it sounds like he’s trying to take some responsibility but he isn’t the first or last to do this. It is hard in schools, so much movement and similar coats. I’d just buy him a new one and make him thank me profusely. Alternatively you could try Vinted or somewhere.

If he's losing it inside the school, going back for it and it's been taken and not handed in it's still theft. I wouldn't go to work and leave my coat in it, even in the wrong place, and expect it to be taken.

The cheap no brand coat with his name engraved in it is likely the way to go if he pays for it or not

I'd offer to get him one of vinted or charity shop and if he wants to choose a different/more expensive one, he has to put towards it.

From a practical point of view, I'd be on Vinted for stuff like this.

"Stop buying him expensive stuff when you know he loses it - there's nothing wrong with a cheap Primark coat for school.

If he loses stuff all the time why are you buying him expensive clothes?

Primark is your friend here, or have you any males in the family who can give you one that they don't use?

Primary coat. Sorted

I have a teen like this. A solution that's worked for us is name labels with a phone number on every item (including bus pas, football, phone, coat etc). He pays for the labels online- waterproof and pre printed.

We found 99% of people who find stuff are honest but maybe too busy to track the owner down. Calling someone is easy and no hassle (for them).

We get weekly phone calls from strangers and then I or my teen go and retrieve the phone/coat/ sports kit..My number is on the label because he loses his phone too often (it's cheap and always returned.)

Buy cheap and replaceable. He had mixed success with airtags/tiles. They guve a rough location but not pinpoint accuracy. Adhd so we needed a way to manage this and it has really helped. Good luck!

Yes he should pay for it but charity shops / Vinted are your friends. It's my default for cllothes for my teenager.

There is when he has a 20-30 minute walk each way, often in the pissing rain/wind/hail.

I don't buy him expensive stuff for the sake of it, but there's a massive difference between something cheap and flimsy to a waterproof coat with a warm lining.

Even supermarket/primark coats that are actually functional for winter are not cheap.

Second hand replacement on eBay and he pays.

Did he have his name in it??

I teach in a secondary school and the amount of expensive coats that get left with no name on is ridiculous! If it has a name I reunite it with the child. If it doesn't then it goes to lost property.

Have you sent an email into school and asked if anyone has seen it?

I'd absolutely make him pay as losing two coats is careless. It can be his Christmas present.

I feel your pain - I have had the same - lost coat, tie, PE kit. It gets so expensive! I have no solution, just sympathy.

he gets one coat a year and if he loses it the next one comes from the charity shop. Bet he stops losing it then😂