To make my son pay

[SirHisss]

For his own coat?

He has lost his at school. The replacement for the one he lost at the beginning of this year.

I can't let him go through the whole winter without a decent coat, so it's not something I can just refuse to replace and let him put up with not having one.

He has been round the whole school/lost property twice and it hasn't turned up so I believe someone has taken it, but it wouldn't have been taken if he hadn't left it at his arse in the first place.

He is always losing things, I feel like banging my head off the wall. I don't know how to get through to him. Jacket, sports equipment, trainers, we are on our third replacement bus pass since term started in September.

He was made to replace the lost sports equipment with his pocket money, and when he loses his bus pass he has to pay his own bus fare whilst we wait on a replacement but it doesn't make a difference.

He is a teenager, tall and broad shouldered so has outgrown kid's sizes - a decent jacket does not come cheap!

He is going to buy an air tag for the next one, which I think is a good idea and he can pay for that himself. It's just so frustrating, I work hard and he has nice, good quality things - this wasn't a flimsy cagoule from Primark and it'll be a significant chunk of my budget to replace it. But clothing him is my responsibility and it feels mean to get him to pay for something essential.

The poster I quoted said they had a secret label and the teacher checked every coat in the cloak room to find it. How is that the same?

His name was in the coat. If the teacher found it, they would have done as you said. That isn't what happened.

I'd expect him to contribute, yes. If you lost your coat, there's no fairy who'll deliver you a new one, you have to pay for it.
If he's not earning, there's other ways to compensate you. He can pay with a bit of labour, perhaps? Chores for your parents maybe, that you'd ordinarily do? I think he ought to be inconvenienced by the "fine" without it being too punitive.

He doesn't need a decent coat and that is really expensive. Just get on mountain warehouse etc (amazing black Friday deals) and get him a warm waterproof one but cheap. Sounds like you are setting yourself to fail by buying him what sounds like designer items.

Weirdly, we still have the removable lining for the coat which he sometimes wears as a fleece 🙄

That's good! A low cost waterproof outer layer, he'll be fine.
If a coat gets left in my classroom, I check for a name and get the runner to take it to lost property and the person enails the form tutor. It's obviously been stolen. Canada Goose don't last long at our place, followed by North Face.

Where did I say I bought him designer items?

I said he needs a decent, warm, lined coat that is waterproof and that the one he lost wasn't a flimsy Primary cagoule.

I'm not buying him Canada Goose at £300 and none of my posts have said it needs to be a fancy brand. You've come up with that yourself.

A non-branded warm, waterproof coat is upwards of £50 new. The likelihood of getting what I need for a tenner in the charity shop is low, and I don't have weeks to keep trailing waiting for the right thing to show up.

Sorry no solutions and I hate when SEN is suggested automatically as a reason for most behaviours. But this was my son and I used to get very, very frustrated at the expense and inconvenience. He was subsequently diagnosed with ADHD which I didn’t see initially as he was behaving well and performing well academically. Now I understand the condition, constantly losing important items is a trait (not the worst). Anyway whatever the cause, I feel your pain. My DS is 20 and at uni and still losing things but it’s mainly things he’s bought himself!

It's how you've come across 'significant chunk of budget' etc. Anyway as I've said get yourself on mountain warehouse- loads on there from £20-£50. I dont get all the hand wringing really. Yes it's annoying but he'll learn one day.

YANBU. If he's old enough to have a part time job, then I'd go as far as suggesting he sources his own replacement coat on Vinted/secondhand shop. Once he realises these things take time, effort and money it may encourage him to be more careful.

Charity shop for replacements. And channel Taylor Swift “this is why we can’t have nice things”. Teen dd2 not quite as bad as this but is scatty eg lost her AirPods. Replaced by cheap no brand ones.

If he has other ND traits or has actually been dx with ADHD, so we’re talking about a teenager with ADHD I don’t see how punishing him by making him pay himself is fair, especially as it seems he doesn’t actually have a job, just pocket money.
Unless his pocket money is quite substantial, equivalent to a Saturday job, but I still wouldn’t make him pay if he has ADHD.

My reasoning is that if he has condition that affects executive functioning then making him pay isn’t going to change that, and it feels like punishment for having a difficulty he can’t help.

@SirHisss I agree with you about charity shops. It's time consuming and completely random. They may have nothing suitable.
Even going for the cheapest supermarket/Primark option isn't exactly negligible. The original coat could still turn up if he checks lost property. However, it does sound as if it's been stolen.

Maybe the hand wringing is because £50 is a significant chunk of my budget?

I gave up and just got him a decent padded waistcoat with a hood. It didn't occur to him to take it off then. I dispaired at all the missing coats. He has ADHD though which didn't help. He still forgets his coat now.

Don't spend £50 then, loads of options way less than that for a decent coat. For a third time.....mountain warehouse disclaimer no I'm not sponsored by then but I've just been on there to look for a load of ski stuff. Good luck OP!

Charity shops are hit and miss. I spent most of last Saturday going to loads, trying to find a jacket which was suitable for me, the right colour, a decent fit and reasonable condition.
Nada.

Use Vinted for cheaper coats.

I wouldn't punish him if punishment isn't helping. What's the point?

I agree about quality but there’s great stuff in charity shops and eBay if you look.

Yeah and make him buy it as you getting it adds to the mental load. I would give him £15 and he finds one on vinted or in a charity shop. Or he goes cold. Not your problem he’s not 5.

My 11 year old left her coat at the shop out of sheer carelessness and I found the same one on vinted and made her split the cost with me (out of her pocket money - which is my money anyway lol).

She's not done it again!

I wouldn't be spending real money on anything that goes to school either. Agree waterproof it's important (I live in Scotland so it's necessary!) but there are plenty of options that aren't expensive.

Yes this is true. I had 2 boys with ADHD and I regularly had to replace sports kits, coats, gloves, book bags in primary. It all adds up but a DC with ADHD struggles to attend to remember to put things in correct places then collect them after events. I bought plain black with no logo or brand as then if it's lost it's less likely to be stolen.

Re your actual question op, I think I would set a budget and go halves with your ds. This way he feels the responsibility but not the whole cost BUT I would let him know that next time it's all on him. I did this with my kids (20s & 30s now) and it taught them how to be careful with belongings and money! Good luck x

Well your being unreasonable because no teen wears a coat for school so why bother.

I have a Mountain Warehouse in my town, I will try there, thanks.

Honestly wouldn't have expected to find something new for less than around £50, going by what I've bought before/supermarket prices etc.

And before anyone jumps on me - no - it doesn't have to be brand new, perfectly happy to go with second hand but as a few of us have said, charity shops are pot luck and I don't have time to wait days and weeks to wait for the right thing to show up.
Vinted is better as you can find what you like and he can obviously make do for a couple of days until we order/ wait for delivery.