To make my son pay

[SirHisss]

For his own coat?

He has lost his at school. The replacement for the one he lost at the beginning of this year.

I can't let him go through the whole winter without a decent coat, so it's not something I can just refuse to replace and let him put up with not having one.

He has been round the whole school/lost property twice and it hasn't turned up so I believe someone has taken it, but it wouldn't have been taken if he hadn't left it at his arse in the first place.

He is always losing things, I feel like banging my head off the wall. I don't know how to get through to him. Jacket, sports equipment, trainers, we are on our third replacement bus pass since term started in September.

He was made to replace the lost sports equipment with his pocket money, and when he loses his bus pass he has to pay his own bus fare whilst we wait on a replacement but it doesn't make a difference.

He is a teenager, tall and broad shouldered so has outgrown kid's sizes - a decent jacket does not come cheap!

He is going to buy an air tag for the next one, which I think is a good idea and he can pay for that himself. It's just so frustrating, I work hard and he has nice, good quality things - this wasn't a flimsy cagoule from Primark and it'll be a significant chunk of my budget to replace it. But clothing him is my responsibility and it feels mean to get him to pay for something essential.

My 12 yo ADHDer loses everything. As did both his uncles. No solution yet, but he doesn’t like expensive things anyway (yet!)

I think he should contribute yes. Natural consequences just like you do with the bus pass.

Agree with vinted. I got a new winter coat for ds this year, just decathlon but warm and waterproof and looks like it was worn about twice before being sold. Cost me all of £6. Ds is well known for leaving his coat at the bloody bus stop.

He should pay, yes. It's harsh but you're preparing him for adult life.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to make him pay for it, or at least pay for a chunk of it. As much for “feeling the consequences” as anything else.

How much you ask him to pay depends on how much money he has, does he get pocket money, what else he has to spend it on, what proportion of his saved money it would be. So e.g. if he had £300 which was mostly from the last birthday and Xmas and 6 months of saved pocket money, then yes, he could contribute £150 ish or more (though that’s plenty for a great coat). If he has £48 and that’s saved over a few years and he never spends his pocket money anyway, then you could ask for a bit of it but not perhaps the whole thing.

FYI there were loads of good quality warm and waterproof coats on quite a bit of discount in millets last weekend for Black Friday week. £120 parkas down to £60 etc.

My son was like this too. He lost many bus passes and a couple of coats. Although I never made him pay, I did threaten it. He is such a lovely boy, but so forgetful. He’s 20 now and has got better.

I’d definitely go for Vinted rather than primark (also in Scotland here so I understand the need for a proper warm and waterproof coat!) and would ask for a contribution (either money or chores etc) in the hope it shows consequences. The pp who mentioned putting a phone number on a label makes a good point. If my child came back with the wrong coat I’d phone/text a number to arrange its return.

Find a coat at the supermarket or on Vinted and tell him you will contribute that cost to a new coat. If he wants something more expensive, he pays the difference. If not, you'll buy the cheaper one.

Because your question is if he should pay. Which is only possible if he learns money. If he doesn't and by "paying" you mean giving up his pocket money - which is your own money - then that's a slightly different question.

By him a second hand one for school, charity shop £20 will get a good one. Keep a decent one for other times.

I know. It's a valid question.

Was going to say the same as a pp about adhd or dyslexia traits - my ds was a nightmare for this. Still is but at 28 and living in his own house it's not my responsibility.

Such a pain - is it named? Airtag is definitely a good plan. Does he have a locker at school? I know when people have to carry stuff round all day it's easy to lose. (Teacher but primary these days.)

Vinted is a good shout, especially for school coats.

Vinted. As it hasn't been handed in to list property, it's been stolen so I wouldn't charge him.

Lost not list. I can't edit on phone.

Get one from Vinted and dock his allowance for a couple of weeks.

If you want to get him a cheap coat, you can always get a low cost fleece as an extra layer. If it's not uniform, it can be removed with the coat.
Although it's another thing to lose, I suppose.

Is he (or are you) going to lost property? They usually end up there.

I think fully pay - no, but miss a week or two of pocket money.

My 12yo ASD DD loses a lot of stuff but became so worried about losing her coat, she stopped wearing it at all! We have a charity shop one as a back up at home. She has become better with keeping hold of clothes at school, but water bottles we gave up on and she just uses disposable ones now.

Of course he should pay!

Definitely Vinted. They have labelled stuff for a fraction of the price. I love Joe Browns clothing and bought myself a whole wardrobe of winter Joe Browns clothes for £100 this year. A fraction of the price. And some clothes on there are new too, so he might not have to compromise too much.

My GS's school had a ban on anything with a logo or brand name - shoes, bags, winter coats, everything. Made it a lot simpler and cheaper for his parents and nobody ever coveted someone else's coat! Personally I'd buy from Primark or charity shop but I wouldn't make him pay unless he has a part-time job - docking pocket money is a bit pointless.

So what are you expecting him to pay with?

It sounds like he has done his best to locate the coat if he has been searching school and to lost property. This isn’t an effort all teens are willing to make. Considering this I’d replace the coat and try to work with him on strategies to stop it happening as much.

Of course it would work. Your DS leaves his coat in a classroom, a teacher finds it looks inside for a name ‘SirHisss Son’ is wrote inside so the teacher knows who to hand it to. If they look and see no name then it makes it harder to return

The thing is my answer would be different for a 13/14 year old who you want to pay from his savings that are a years birthday money, or if its a 17/18 year old in regular work.
But honestly, making him pay for stuff hasn't helped so far, it sounds like he is trying but can't help it. So I'd buy a replacement but def get cheaper/ vinted items as much as possible, or if he doesn't like that then give him that amount of money and he can top it up to get a nicer one.

Get him a cheap coat from Primark or supermarket. If he wants trendy stuff he can pay for it. I never used to buy trendy stuff for my son's as i knew they would lose it