To make my son pay

[SirHisss]

For his own coat?

He has lost his at school. The replacement for the one he lost at the beginning of this year.

I can't let him go through the whole winter without a decent coat, so it's not something I can just refuse to replace and let him put up with not having one.

He has been round the whole school/lost property twice and it hasn't turned up so I believe someone has taken it, but it wouldn't have been taken if he hadn't left it at his arse in the first place.

He is always losing things, I feel like banging my head off the wall. I don't know how to get through to him. Jacket, sports equipment, trainers, we are on our third replacement bus pass since term started in September.

He was made to replace the lost sports equipment with his pocket money, and when he loses his bus pass he has to pay his own bus fare whilst we wait on a replacement but it doesn't make a difference.

He is a teenager, tall and broad shouldered so has outgrown kid's sizes - a decent jacket does not come cheap!

He is going to buy an air tag for the next one, which I think is a good idea and he can pay for that himself. It's just so frustrating, I work hard and he has nice, good quality things - this wasn't a flimsy cagoule from Primark and it'll be a significant chunk of my budget to replace it. But clothing him is my responsibility and it feels mean to get him to pay for something essential.

It’s great being an adult. Because you can generally make mistakes, have accidents and lose stuff, and nobody can tell you off. Being a kid, you lose something and get an earful.

It’s ok to be frustrated OP. But I think it’s a bit mean to make him pay, if you can find the funds. He didn’t do it on purpose and has tried to find it. These things happen.

He's a teenager, we learn things as we mature into adulthood, including looking after our things and how much things cost.

It's part of growing up. Negative consequences are often good ways of learning to take more care next time.

OP hasn't said he should pay for the whole thing, just that he should contribute.

Was coming on to say this - is there more to his continual losing/forgetting things?

and whether there is or not, I’d definitely just buy second hand/vinted/charity shop replacements going forward. It will take the stress out of it and you may find that forgotten items do actually end up in lost property as noone wants (or can resell on vinted) unbranded ones.

Go Outdoors do a good range of coats, we usually buy my dc coats from there as they are good quality, but usually a decent price. You can sign up for a card if you don't already have one. And I think they take Blue Light card

I also recommend Mountain Warehouse. My son has got one of those 3 in 1 coats from there, I got it for his Y6 residential but sized up so he could take it to high school and he’s still wearing it in Y8. The tags that attach the fleece to the waterproof layer have come off but other than that it still looks pristine.

My son is 12 and a coat loser (we are having him assessed for ADHD albeit not just for that) He is lucky enough to have three coats as we’ve been gifted some and all three have been lost at different times, and sometimes at the same time. 😫 I have hauled the Mountain Warehouse one out of lost properly that many times it’s now known as the boomerang coat 😂

The receptionist recommended all coats should be coloured rather than black (the MW one is green) as they are easier to find (and probably nicked less)

He lost a nice blue Nike one before last half term so I assumed it was gone for good but amazingly it’s turned up again. So all may not be lost! I bet it’s in that school somewhere…

I have threatened him with charity shop/Vinted and paying for it from his pocket money many times and that 80% of the time makes it reappear. Ditto his planner. 🙄

Vinted - and it's his christmas present or part of it.

& if you can find one, a duvet type coat that he can fold up small and squidge in his bag - I have one that is brilliant for that when I go to the theatre

Saw your comment about mountain warehouse - they're often cheaper online than in-store - I realised this the other day - pointed it out to staff, who agreed with me, so I ordered online when I was in the shop.

I’m sorry but if he’s always loosing stuff then why are you buying him an expensive coat?

And I am literally saying I would pay, I was responding to a poster about him being a teenager and not being a reception age child. I personally don't think there is any difference as he is still dependent on you. I would pay for my 17 year old but I can afford to so obviously easy for me to say.

I’m sorry but if he’s always loosing stuff then why are you buying him an expensive coat?

Where did op say she was buying an expensive coat?

All these 'teens always lose stuff' posts - how often do they lose their phones?

They do sometimes, but a lot of people, not just teens - have their 'phones to hand almost constantly and quickly recognise it as 'something missing' because they use it so much and see it as part of themselves or their day.

A coat, not so much.

I'm in my 40s and despite growing up without mobile 'phones, see it as something important. Purse, keys, mobile 'phone.

It's just what's happened with how mobile 'phones have become so important to us.

And much of life now is dependent on smart 'phones. Despite it not being healthy in the grand scheme of things.

Could you get him a cheap one/get him to buy a cheap one for the next couple weeks and is he wants a more expensive one it can be his christmas present ?

I bought a £29 coat from tesco at the start of winter, 25% off = about £24. Have worn it daily for dog walking here including in the rain, and on holiday through the nordic countries last week when it was minus degrees - kept me perfectly warm and dry.

They had absolutely loads of others under £60, men, women and children sizes.
Matalan also had the same 25% off sale when I was shopping, again loads of very warm, waterproof coats between £30-60. Tu have the same discount often. The coats are just plain colours, perfectly suitable for school even if not the coolest.

Buy him a cheap or even better second hand one from vinted and either make him pay or take it out of what you would have spent on christmas. And then write his name all over it in several places, including an iron on name tag etc (places like shein/ebay do them block bulk very cheaply).

I've bought him a new one - I'd like to have had the time to wait for the right thing in a charity shop but it's just not practical to rely on pot luck when he needs it for school on Monday. Ditto Vinted - found lots on there but ultimately I didn't want to wait on making offers/ relying on someone to post it quickly etc.

He won't be paying towards the coat, but is paying towards an air tag with some of his pocket money. I think this is a fair compromise and hopefully means it will help him not to lose it again (he says it can alert him if he moves too far away from wherever the air tag is?).

Thanks for the suggestions and opinions!

Make sure all his clothes are labelled. There is a chance they will get back to him.

I think you could offer a contribution, he can choose to get a cheaper one with the money or use his own money to top up to buy a new one. Its a good lesson in money management and tell him its the last time you'll give a contribution.

Charity shops exist. I’d get this season’s one from a charity shop and buy a new one next year.

Vinted

My son also lost everything at school. And I mean EVERYTHING. He was much younger than your boy though. He often came home with other kids' labelled clothes, even shoes sometimes. His stuff was labelled and he was often reunited with it sometime later, thanks to the lovely school staff who knew he was really disorganised.
He was referred by the school and diagnosed soon after for dyslexia, dyspraxia and later, ADHD.
I'd ask your boy for his ideas about how to tackle this issue, and go with it. Sounds like he's got his head screwed on

I once went to my son's school steaming with righteous wrath because his expensive school jumper had clearly been stolen, as his reported visits to lost property had been fruitless, only to be informed that they'd been holding the sweater up at assembly for the entire week, and he hadn't noticed. Obviously hadn't been to lost property either. Kids!!!!!

Get him secondhand coats off Vinted. Lots of items new still with tags to be had

This.

He may have adhd . I don't see what's wrong with a branded secondhand coat as long as it is in fairly ok condition. You might be able to get one on Ebay too cheaply. Or a site called you know whos which does ex branded goods . Or if you have one near PEP & Co in poundland (clothing section part ) for small mens Or something. I found primarks gone up a lot. I have had to do stuff like this as I'm on one wage & universal credit.

I know you want your son to have nice stuff but if you get the branded stuff more cheaply....at least you've mot spent £50+ on a coat for it to happen again.

It wouldn’t be fair to charge my teen dd because she has ASD and keeping track of things is extremely difficult for her. If an item is critical, like her asthma inhaler, or prone to getting lost, like her coat, it has an AirTag attached. I buy them in the 4 packs when they go on sale.

what I do expect from her is to put up with the AirTags. If she balked or removed them, then yes, she would have to pay for replacements of lost items.

I don’t replace non-essential items. When she loses a treasured lip gloss or a piece of costume jewelry, she has to live with that until she can get a new one. So she does still experience consequences.

Get on Vinted or go to a charity shop for a replacement and order a Bluetooth tag to sew into the lining of the coat so you can locate it next time. I get your frustration because my son is also constantly losing things, but he has ADHD and no object permanence, so if it’s not attached to him, he forgets.