To make my son pay

[SirHisss]

For his own coat?

He has lost his at school. The replacement for the one he lost at the beginning of this year.

I can't let him go through the whole winter without a decent coat, so it's not something I can just refuse to replace and let him put up with not having one.

He has been round the whole school/lost property twice and it hasn't turned up so I believe someone has taken it, but it wouldn't have been taken if he hadn't left it at his arse in the first place.

He is always losing things, I feel like banging my head off the wall. I don't know how to get through to him. Jacket, sports equipment, trainers, we are on our third replacement bus pass since term started in September.

He was made to replace the lost sports equipment with his pocket money, and when he loses his bus pass he has to pay his own bus fare whilst we wait on a replacement but it doesn't make a difference.

He is a teenager, tall and broad shouldered so has outgrown kid's sizes - a decent jacket does not come cheap!

He is going to buy an air tag for the next one, which I think is a good idea and he can pay for that himself. It's just so frustrating, I work hard and he has nice, good quality things - this wasn't a flimsy cagoule from Primark and it'll be a significant chunk of my budget to replace it. But clothing him is my responsibility and it feels mean to get him to pay for something essential.

For naming things I've found using gold or silver sharpie and putting a phone number and name works well on the inevitable black school uniform. Survives washing, easy to see and isn't possible to rip out like name labels.

My child’s pre-walking shoes were stolen from outside the (internal) nursery door once. 19 years ago and I’m still annoyed about it!

Try Vinted OP, my DD just bought a fantastic coat for £15, warm, stylish and I great condition. there are some good deals to be found.

Get a non branded black puffer off ASOS, trust me it won't go missing again, and if it does you will find it in lost property as nobody will bother taking it home - problem solved

You do sound a bit mean OP, unless your DS gets loads of pocket money.

One of my DC used to lose things. I made sure they were as well named as possible to increase the chance of them being returned (a sewn in label on a non- uniform hoodie meant it was returned from a skatepark kn the other side of town!) He still
loses things now he's an adult and has to replace every thing himself! We can now see he very probably has ADD (his sibling has been diagnosed) which explains a lot.

I would provide the AirTags and buy the new coat and name it well. It never sits well with me when parents make DC pay to replace essential items, but then I didn't give my DC much pocket money so replacing a coat would have been like me giving up six months wages.

I don't think my attitude stinks at all, but it is frustrating to ask a question to then have dozens of posters ignore what I've asked to go off on their own tangent about brands and snobbery when I've said more than once that I don't care about brands and second hand is fine.

I was leaning towards paying for the coat and letting him contribute by buying or contributing towards an airtag (or a cheaper version).
The airtag was his suggestion and I think it shows he is trying to think of a way prevent the same thing happening again. At least then it would help us see if something is still in the school and we have a hope of getting it back or if it's gone forever. He has also said himself that he would like a different colour (not black) so that it would be easier to spot/ less likely to be picked up accidentally in a sea of black almost identical styles.
I will also add my phone number in future as a PP suggested - I think this will be more effective than just his name.

I know he doesn't lose things on purpose and I'm not trying to punish him for something accidental.
The natural consequence of losing things usually is that we go without, but letting him go without a coat would be neglectful and cruel.
Having him give up something non-essential like buying Xbox points or sweets which he would usually use his pocket money for seemed a bit more sensible but I wanted to know what other people thought.

I was also happy to be told that I was being far too harsh and that paying towards an essential item like a coat is my responsibility, no matter how many times we need to replace it.

I'm a lone parent and don't have anyone else to sound off to about this stuff so hearing how others handle it helps alot. Thanks to those who have answered my question and given helpful suggestions.

@LynetteScavo

I can see why it might seem mean but he does receive a generous amount of pocket money from grandparents, and I wouldn't take it all off him!

What kind of teenager? 13? 18? Or somewhere in between?

If he's 15+, I'd say give him a set amount per week that's to cover everything - clothes, shoes, sports equipment, bus passes - and no more, whatever happens. If he loses something, he has to replace it out of what he has. If he loses two things in a week, he'll need to prioritize what matters to him more. He'll soon learn to budget and know the value of things, and being cold for a week or two will probably improve his memory. Just tell him you'll give him a lift to the charity shop if he wants one.

My first thought is perhaps he is being bullied from how often it occurs and he is too embarrassed to say the truth

Why on earth would you even consider asking him to pay?!! He's your child, you clothe him, it's 100% your responsibility. Jeesh!!

Because he is being careless and entitled and disrespectful when it comes to his belongings that someone else - the OP - pays for

He is a teenager not a child in reception

Because being a parent doesn't mean buying unlimited replacements for stuff that your children haven't looked after!

He's a teenager - old enough to understand the value of money and to look after his stuff properly (and pay towards replacements when he's been lazy or careless).

I lose things all the time, as an adult I pay for them myself, it doesnt mean I lose things less. I probably have ADD, the inattentive type of ADHD. The air tag sounds like a good idea. Does he have a mobile phone? He could put a reminder on it to buzz just after school finishes for the day to grab his coat. Alarms and reminders and lists are what helps me the most, just to make sure I don't turn them off without doing the thing I need to do.

Eta: to answer your question personally I'd say strategies to help him remember might be more useful than making him pay for it.

I think you pay but he contributes is a good compromise.
i have a copy non apple air tag from Amazon & it works fine.

I would pay for him, I have an older teen and would pay for him. Like others have said my two prefer Vinted or D pop as they like the quality of coats that are from the 90s/00s.

But he is still a dependent presumably so that makes no odds to plight he finds himself in. If he is walking and out and about, you wouldn't want your teenager to be in a non waterproof, warm coat. My two are teenagers and I still want them to be comfortable and warm and healthy, just like I did when they were four. My Mum feels the same about me and I'm in my forties.

"may be inattentive or even ADHD or whatever, but everyone improves through effort"

Lovely attitude here
Nice and ableist

If I was about to let him walk about with no coat, I wouldn't be on here asking for advice on how to handle the situation.
I've said several times that he needs a warm and waterproof coat and that I have no intention of not getting him one.
My question was whether or not he should have to pay/contribute towards it given the number of times he loses things.

And for those who have their knickers in a bunch about me not providing his exact date of birth, he is 15.

And ignorant.

M and S do some cheap winter coats that are really good. I got myself one!

I would get him to pay for the air tag while you buy the coat. It's frustrating isn't it. Mine were always losing everything but I also think they were absent minded and a bit overwhelmed by school.

If it's any consolation, they are both now adults and look after their stuff v well.

Replace from vinted. I find the casual shrug of oh well it’s fine I just won’t have a coat/ gloves/ hat this year like that’s the solution infuriating.