To make my son pay

[SirHisss]

For his own coat?

He has lost his at school. The replacement for the one he lost at the beginning of this year.

I can't let him go through the whole winter without a decent coat, so it's not something I can just refuse to replace and let him put up with not having one.

He has been round the whole school/lost property twice and it hasn't turned up so I believe someone has taken it, but it wouldn't have been taken if he hadn't left it at his arse in the first place.

He is always losing things, I feel like banging my head off the wall. I don't know how to get through to him. Jacket, sports equipment, trainers, we are on our third replacement bus pass since term started in September.

He was made to replace the lost sports equipment with his pocket money, and when he loses his bus pass he has to pay his own bus fare whilst we wait on a replacement but it doesn't make a difference.

He is a teenager, tall and broad shouldered so has outgrown kid's sizes - a decent jacket does not come cheap!

He is going to buy an air tag for the next one, which I think is a good idea and he can pay for that himself. It's just so frustrating, I work hard and he has nice, good quality things - this wasn't a flimsy cagoule from Primark and it'll be a significant chunk of my budget to replace it. But clothing him is my responsibility and it feels mean to get him to pay for something essential.

Agreed

You want him to pay for his coat but is he actually earning any money?

Don't buy decent stuff for school. Get the Primark one. The good stuff will get nicked if he leaves it unattended.

Do yourself a favour, assume things will get lost or go missing, and buy accordingly.

You shouldn't have to, but don't heap stress on stress.

His name was in it, but he has tried twice at lost property and I have phoned the school myself - it has not been handed in.

I think someone has either picked it up by mistake and can't be arsed returning it to the school, or has lifted it on purpose.

I don't have the time nor the inclination to traipse round charity shops, Vinted is fine.

No. He doesn't earn any money. I expect him to contribute with fresh air and good intentions.

“Also, sew in a name label, or iron in one of those name labels that won't come off. It's too much hassle to unpick or scrape out a label.”

And sew in a name label in a secret place - like inside a pocket, or inside a sleeve. I know a parent who did this, and when her daughter’s coat went missing (not for the first time) went with a member of staff to examine all the coats in the cloakroom - she found her daughter’s coat and was able to prove the fact because of the secret name tape.

This might work in a primary school where all the coats are in the same place, but I don't see how anyone could reasonably check every black boys coat in a secondary school.

The cheap no brand coat with his name engraved in it is likely the way to go if he pays for it or not

I agree with this. You can get him a plain but decent Regatta coat on Vinted for £15, and nobody will be tempted to keep it if they find it.

“but it wouldn't have been taken if he hadn't left it at his arse in the first place.”

Wondering whether “arse” is a typo here, or if it’s a new expression.

Anyway, go second hand and non-brand for any replacements. Yes he may be inattentive or even ADHD or whatever, but everyone improves through effort and he’ll put in the effort if replacements are less desirable than the originals.

edited for whoops

@SirHisss maybe he'll learn to take better care of this things if the other option is that he gets wet and cold 🤷‍♀️

The bit I replied to was edited

Because it isn’t there?

It's not a typo or a new expression. To leave something "at your arse" just means to discard it carelessly. I'm from Scotland, maybe it's regional?

Oh shit, I meant "boys black coat". The order of my wording was a bit shit there.

I think we'll be getting something from Vinted but very few people have actually bothered to answer my original question which was is it unreasonable to make him pay for it.

Well I definitely sewed name tapes in my kids' high school clothing op. It still works the same at high school.
I would also make him pay.

Primary coats here and never had an incident of a stolen coat. My friend's son's expensive Canada Goose coat didn't last 2 days before it was stolen.

YANBU. DD was and is ridiculously careless with stuff. She’s older now and I still find myself tempted to replace stuff ( airpods/scarves/lunchbags etc) but I know it doesn’t do her any favours. She needs to learn.

"very few people have actually bothered to answer my original question which was is it unreasonable to make him pay for it."

A previous poster suggested providing him the budget for a cheap coat from Primark/Vinted/charity shop. If he wants anything more expensive, he can pay the difference.

I think that's a fair compromise if you think it's been an accidental loss.

I've already said he is in his teens.

I'm not sure why people are asking if he earns money - I'm not expecting him to pay with fresh air, am I?

I would do this op and buy your ds a coat from vinted.

Might he be nd, adhd, dyspraxic et al? How are his self organisation skills otherwise?

Don't buy expensive, most teens won't appreciate more than the label!

Yanbu.
People only change behaviour through self interest.

A once off can happen but this is a pattern.
It's ok for him to pay.
But I would be buying a cheap coat.
If he feels the discomfort, it might drive the point home.

It is very annoying.