Husband attended year end function without me even though I was invited

[NumbMother]

So, long story short, my husband is a committee member at an organization in the field that we both work in. I know all the other members and their wives from past events and some are even personal friends of ours. We have attended all the functions together even before we were married. Last night was the annual year end function and he made it seem like this year it was only committee members (no spouses) that were invited for the function. Though I thought it was odd, I did not think twice about it. Our daughter is 9 months old and he had gone the the committee meetings during the year, every time he would start an argument right before he had to leave the house to attend the meetings. Most of the time he would commit to coming home at a decent hour, though when I would send him a message 2 hours after the time he committed to be home, he would only respond when it suits him, sometimes an hour later, to say he is on his way home. Only to arrive an hour later even though the venue is 10 minutes away from our home.
Back to last night...He made arrangements for one of the member to pick him up at home. When he arrived, his wife was sitting in the car with him...? When I asked my husband why she is going to the function, he said that he decided when he received the invite that he would attend alone since I had to look after our baby. According to him, he is not wrong for making this decision on him own without consulting/informing me? He purposely excluded me and decided to attend the function alone even though all the other member's wives attended. When I told him that we could have arranged for a babysitter, he just said it is unnecessary to make alternative arrangements and that this is what a mother should do, stay at home with the baby.
I am feeling hurt by his actions, yet he does not think he was wrong for attending alone. Am I being unreasonable for insisting that these types of events should be attended by both or at the very least discussed? To make matters worse, he turned off his phone and came home very late and very drunk. Now he is giving me the silent treatment because according to him I am being unreasonable for assuming I would be attending as his +1.
Am I being unreasonable?

Wow, what a selfish, lying, sexist pig you're married to. I'd be very suspicious about his behaviour - the starting arguments, coming home late, turning off his phone, not inviting you to events.

Has he always been like this, or is it just since you've had the baby? He's either up to no good, or he has started showing his misogynistic side since you've become a mother. If he refuses to change then I'd be seriously considering if I could stay in the relationship.

I'd be less concerned about exercising my 'right' to be there, and far more concerned with why my husband was determined to exclude me. If he genuinely believes your place is permanently at home with your baby, this is a huge issue. Does he say that whenever you go out? If on the other hand he is using that as an excuse, then I'd be wondering whether he either wanted to hide something from me, or hide me from them. You need to identify what's going on because this sounds like a symptom of something more concerning than missing this event.

Bottom line is that he wanted to go without you.
And you have to wonder why.
He isn't necessarily having g an affair but it's not a healthy reflection on your relationship if he just prefers it when you're not there.

he just said it is unnecessary to make alternative arrangements and that this is what a mother should do, stay at home with the baby.

WTAF am I reading???!!! He is a misogynistic git and that's the polite version. Why on earth are you with him and him stating this kind of crap to you???!!!!

I'm so sorry you are going through this with such an awful man.

I think you need a therapist/counsellor who will help you realise what kind of abusive relationship you are actually in. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that an independent person will validate your feelings and then an organisation like Women's Aid will help you navigate your way to leaving.

I do realise that your job is important to you, but honestly your skills MUST be transferable somewhere. You say he has control over your work because of his connections, but try it out and see first. You could be very surprised and many of his so called "colleagues" may already know what a twat he really is anyway.

The big question is really - are you prepared to live differently (in a financial sense) for a while for the prize of your health and well being? It will be tough at first, but the freedom and the pleasure of not being reliant on him, together with being able to sleep well at night would be well worth it.

Seek outside help. Other posters will know exactly where to find that.

1. There is a reason he wanted to go alone without you- and he came very late. Sorry to say, but I think he intended to sleep with a female co-worker. Maybe they don't even know he's married.
2. Two, saying you should stay home and not even have a night off, because you're a woman is INCREDIBLY sexist. He is a misogynist chauvinist pig. He really is.

I honest to god would tell him the marriage is over (since he wants to act the bachelor life with a maid/babysitter at home) and see what he says. That he dares give you the silent treatment, when he is the one who done wrong, is galling. Although, The Script shows that cheating men will give their wives the silent treatment the next day as a way to justify (to themselves) their actions.

Just no need for that was there?
Does it make you feel good to be so hurtful and cruel?

At the very least it shows he doesn't want to hang out with you. He's not enjoying your company, even if it's not because he wants to enjoy someone else's company.

Although I'd think he was at least flirting with someone to not want you there.

And such a rude response.

There's probably someone there he's at least got his eye on.

I'd be feeling like he doesn't respect me, doesn't enjoy spending time with me and doesn't see me as an equal. He has lied to you to keep you away from a social function, none of the possible reasons why are good.

He sounds like a sexist, controlling prick.

he just said it is unnecessary to make alternative arrangements and that this is what a mother should do, stay at home with the baby.

I'd be absolutely furious with this comment alone.

Op, firstly, don’t listen to all the “he’s having an affair” and “your marriage is over”
comments. We only have a brief snapshot into the situation and some people think they’re psychic enough to know the full story of your relationship 🤦🏻‍♀️

Yes you’re right to be hurt, it IS very hurtful. But it also doesn’t mean that he’s having an affair.
Of course it’s a possibility, but you don’t need a load of faceless keyboard warriors shoving that down your throat.
There could be a million other reasons. Perhaps he just feels more at ease without you there. Perhaps he just enjoys mixing with work colleagues solo. Maybe one time while drunk, you said something that embarrassed him?
lots of possibilities.
Just Talk to him. Lay out all your concerns. Tell him it’s hurtful. You need to have a sensible discussion about it

@NumbMother based on what you have said on this thread and your previous thread, DH has, for some time now, been showing you how he feels about you. It’s time to believe him.

Like another person I have read your other recent thread. This is serious and you need to bee careful, keep your head down for now whilst you take advice. Some of the things he has said are nonsense.

1. He cannot stop you having some access to your baby.
2. He will have to contribute some money to the care of the baby. Is there any danger that he would take the baby out of the country? You need to have passports for yourself and baby that you stash with a friend. That should stop him applying for one for the baby. You need to have copies of the accounts somewhere else that he cannot get hold of. Other wise if there is a court case/divorce he will plead poverty. Have records of his spending compared to yours.

I can't help but think he's either trying to appear as if his marriage is in trouble or over as a way of attracting someone or he's already with someone else. He's also sexist and a massive prick, you deserve better.

But it is not a snap shot. It is a on going situation where this man has been abusive to her since the moment she fell pregnant. Threatens to financially ruin her, take her child, and destroy her career if she leaves him.

So yes, she should listen to all the "your marriage is over" posts.
She should have listened weeks ago

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5193860-father-not-helping-with-baby

My husband did this to me once, a work function where partners were invited, but I didn’t get the invite. He sat on a table with his colleague and good mate and his wife. I was annoyed about it, not because I particularly wanted to go but that he’d not even invited me…he used to invite his ex to work functions when they were together. We’re still together and he wasn’t cheating but even now thinking about it pisses me off.

You are right OP, you should be furious.
he doesn’t want you there, why?
Why create an argument before every meeting?
and now the silent treatment.
he’s not a nice man,
don’t put up with this silent treatment. You need to find your strength and tell him this stonewalling behaviour stops now. He treats you with respect.
i do agree with other posters, you need to get your ducks in a row now, and be ready.
id not be staying carried to a man who behaves like this.

He's a nasty sod.

From now on you attend the meetings regardless of whether he is going or not. Travel separately if need be. If the baby is too tired or distracting one of you go home early - every second time expect that your husband will do that.
Do not accept that you have retired from the organisation.

About this Christmas funcion. I would have said - hang on - I'm coming too.
I would have attended the break up and I would have taken the baby along and stayed as long as you wanted.

I’m sorry op it’s horrendous that you were so shut down, that he doesn’t even see your side. Did you ask him how he’d feel if the roles were reversed? To be honest my first thought is it’s good you have a job and aren’t a sahm because otherwise I think you’d get locked out of a lot of decisions. Maybe text a few of your friends in that organisation and say it without saying it? So let them know you didn’t know you could go. And definitely talk to him about again x

My DH is 72 and was a full parent to both our children. Night wakes, nappies , time off work to look after a sick DC.
My dad would have been 94 this year and was a full hands on dad.
This " man" is actually a gobshite.

You clearly didn't read till the end of the post to notice the part where the husband is giving the OP the silent treatment when she tries to have a conversation with him so your advice further down the thread is null and void.
Someone already disabused you of your conviction that this is an isolated incident with multitude of innocent explanations. So yes, it does make me feel good that maybe, just maybe another woman is going to look at the messages in this thread spelling out the obvious and finds the strength to escape this abusive relationship and avoid the situation I was living for years.
And I didn't even know about her previous thread when I posted but I am also happy that my psychic abilities are spot on.

I agree his head has been turned.

but in the grand scheme of things, does it even matter? His behaviour towards you is awful enough to end your marriage - even if there is no one else.

im so sorry he’s treating you this way. His attitude is appalling and reveals that he doesn’t seem to even like you- never mind love.

To be fair, I didn’t know she made previous posts. But looking at that, it makes this whole thread a bit redundant

Red flags all over this one. If it had been an isolated incident that's one thing but it sounds like part of a pattern. Whether he's having an affair or not, what's important is that he's decided he doesn't have any responsibility to you or your shared child - at least none that trumps his own desire to go out and have fun. And giving you the silent treatment is a very bad sign about his ability to handle conflict. Sounds like a moment for couples counselling and some tough love - don't focus on the event itself but rather the longer-term pattern.

This would upset me. DH did something similar some years ago now. I was definitely invited to the event, a bday party for someone at his work but I do know them all - the invitation came by post and had my name on it along with DHs.

I said great - we'll get a baby sitter. Dh was oh no I'm not going, I'm not going....and then last minute, oh I really should pop my head in , well he stayed for the duration came back at 12. so basically he did go😡. This pissed me Off!