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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Father not helping with baby

61 replies

NumbMother · 23/10/2024 12:27

I am at a loss and do not know what to do! Let me start from the beginning, we tried for 3 years before getting pregnant at last. I am married, he is 17 years older than me (Divorced with 2 children, 19 and 21). He wanted a child, I was unsure, but extremely happy I decided YES. Before getting pregnant, he would always boast about how he cared for his babies and how useless his ex-wife is/was as a mother. According to him, he raised his children. Fast track to me becoming pregnant, there was a shift in our marriage. Most of the time he would argue with me over the most insignificant little detail and later blame me and my hormones. I ended up spending most of my time in the bedroom watching TV. He did not attend any of the appointments, always 'too busy' of forgot. Only for me to return home after the appointment to him sleeping on the couch. We both work for ourselves and we work together on most of our projects. An important factor throughout the entire story...So, me being self employed and us dividing all costs 50/50, I needed to work throughout my "maternity leave". I had a c-section in order to plan around work (his idea). I worked until midnight the day before my c-section, in the hospital, he brought my laptop to me because he had something I needed to attend to. The day I was released form hospital, I started working again on his demand. He continued working his normal hours and expected the same from me immediately. We did not have anyone to help/look after my girl, so I had to that as well. Without his assistance since he was either too tired or not at home. I work from home, so did not have to travel etc. Fast forward 8,5 months to now...In this whole time he has never done any night feeds (formula fed), he has bathed her twice, does not help/offer assistance in any way, I always have to ask him to take her just so I can take a shower. She goes to daycare from 8-4 during the day since she was 4 months old so that I can work. He never changes a diaper, give a bottle, drop her off or collect her from daycare. The only time he will change her diaper/feed her is if I ask him to, event then he sighs. To make matters worse, I am also furthering my studies, so I have to deal with my studies as well. Most evenings he would sit in front of the tv or sleep. Weekends he does stuff around the house, so he 'cant look after her since he is too busy. Whenever I ask for help or tell him that he is also responsible for her, it turns into a fight. He then ignores both of us (like actual silent treatment) for days on end. We keep fighting because I am so tired and overwhelmed, yet he is the one who is always sleeping. He exhibits typical narcissistic traits such as gaslighting, projecting, love bombing etc. He suffers from depression but decided to stop his medication, I have asked him to take his meds again, but he refuses and tells me I am the one with the problem? I do not know what to do anymore! I am literally feeling numb of any emotions, but I know I need to fight in order to give my baby my best. How do I handle this situation?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 23/10/2024 12:31

You leave. And if you can't leave right now, you put your energy into planning to leave.

Sorry Flowers

arethereanyleftatall · 23/10/2024 12:34

You get divorced.

TomatoSandwiches · 23/10/2024 12:37

First post nails it again, there is no way to fix him, this IS him and always has been.
The sooner you get rid the sooner you can start getting on with life on your terms.

Raininginparadise2 · 23/10/2024 12:37

He brings nothing to your life that is positive and lots of things that are negative. You need to leave this relationship as it is not loving, respectful or joyful. Get some support to make plans to leave him. Your and your baby deserve a fresh start. Good luck x

FairFuming · 23/10/2024 12:37

You leave.
I've been where you are, almost to the dot. He is using the baby as a way to control you. These things won't get better at least not for any length of time and life is too short to be unhappy.
You are a married single mother, you might as well do it alone. He will destroy you and your mental health and give zero fucks about it because it will make you easier to control. Cab you untangle your work from his? Id start doing that slowly if you can.
Do you have a good support network?

lateatwork · 23/10/2024 12:39

You leave.

He won't change.

Borninabarn32 · 23/10/2024 12:40

You sound like me 3 years ago. I left when DS was 1.5yr. I lost my income becuase it was tied to him and my home becuase he wouldn't leave. Life was so incredibly easier as a single mother on benefits in a rented flat than it was with him. Like so much easier. I was on the brink of not being able to feed us, counting loo flushes, wearing two pairs of socks. But fuck me it was a breeze. Then I met DP, who stepped up and looked after DS better than his dad ever did, I got lay ins for the first time in years.

Dump his sorry ass, it'll be the best thing you ever did. Otherwise you will serve him until he finally dies and you'll be too old to enjoy it.

nearlyfreefromnappies · 23/10/2024 12:50

Eekkk. Sorry, he's a dud. Absolutely hollow words and has mislead and lied to you and stolen some parenting moments from you. Best case is a good clean break asap.

SeaToSki · 23/10/2024 12:51

I would start by finding a new job so you have some independent income. I would then start going to therapy sessions and ask him to go to marriage counseling with you. If he wont, then I would put serious thought into a trial separation. But I think the first step is to have an independent income stream as that makes everything else less complicated

OrangeSlices998 · 23/10/2024 13:20

You leave and build a life you actually want.

Hugs OP. Do you have family nearby?

ButtercupBeans · 23/10/2024 13:23

Don't leave. Try to work it out and fix it.

You and hubby agree and arrange a time and day to have a date night out.

Get a babysitter or family member to look after baby.

During date night, you and hubby both map out a rough day by day schedule, rota/plan. about who will feed baby, change baby, do housework/cooking/chores etc etc.

Make it lighthearted and fun . . .

Treat it like another business.

Map out "me" times, "us" times, individual baby times, friends times. family times, work etc.

Both of you draw up, negotiate and agree to the schedule.

Keep it flexible - when need be . . . for emergencies and other things that may crop up. But treat it like another job and you are both job-sharing - so if you need to swap a day or time - swap fairly when needed.

Print it out. Laminate it. Pin it up. Have it on a table. Make sure there are several copies - so it is always at hand and hubby can see what he has helped to draw up and agreed to; and what he is supposed to be doing.

Make it easy for him to do his new job.

Make it . . . and treat it like a business.

But laugh about it when things don't work out, or go slightly wrong; and together tweek and amend the schedule whenever needed.

Velvian · 23/10/2024 13:32

💯 leave him. He is an abusive waste of space. Have you called him out on his obvious BS about raising his 2 older children?

jeaux90 · 23/10/2024 13:35

@ButtercupBeans did you even read the OP?

The man is completely useless and she doesn't need a date night or a business plan for the father of her child to know he's not parenting his own child and being a lazy, feckless asshole.

I have been there, these men don't change OP. Short term, read him the riot act and tell him to buck his ideas up. Longer term I doubt things will change, plan to split.

I'll tell you something as a lone parent for 14 years, life is a lot simpler and peaceful without men like this in it. What a disgrace he is.

Boobygravy · 23/10/2024 13:37

ButtercupBeans · 23/10/2024 13:23

Don't leave. Try to work it out and fix it.

You and hubby agree and arrange a time and day to have a date night out.

Get a babysitter or family member to look after baby.

During date night, you and hubby both map out a rough day by day schedule, rota/plan. about who will feed baby, change baby, do housework/cooking/chores etc etc.

Make it lighthearted and fun . . .

Treat it like another business.

Map out "me" times, "us" times, individual baby times, friends times. family times, work etc.

Both of you draw up, negotiate and agree to the schedule.

Keep it flexible - when need be . . . for emergencies and other things that may crop up. But treat it like another job and you are both job-sharing - so if you need to swap a day or time - swap fairly when needed.

Print it out. Laminate it. Pin it up. Have it on a table. Make sure there are several copies - so it is always at hand and hubby can see what he has helped to draw up and agreed to; and what he is supposed to be doing.

Make it easy for him to do his new job.

Make it . . . and treat it like a business.

But laugh about it when things don't work out, or go slightly wrong; and together tweek and amend the schedule whenever needed.

Edited

What a ridiculous answer.

I’m honestly embarrassed for you.

MagAmberson · 23/10/2024 13:45

Leave him. How can you love or respect a man who hasn't lifted a finger to care for your baby? Your daughter does not need this man in her life. You and your child can be a happy family unit without him.

AttachmentFTW · 23/10/2024 13:45

ButtercupBeans · 23/10/2024 13:23

Don't leave. Try to work it out and fix it.

You and hubby agree and arrange a time and day to have a date night out.

Get a babysitter or family member to look after baby.

During date night, you and hubby both map out a rough day by day schedule, rota/plan. about who will feed baby, change baby, do housework/cooking/chores etc etc.

Make it lighthearted and fun . . .

Treat it like another business.

Map out "me" times, "us" times, individual baby times, friends times. family times, work etc.

Both of you draw up, negotiate and agree to the schedule.

Keep it flexible - when need be . . . for emergencies and other things that may crop up. But treat it like another job and you are both job-sharing - so if you need to swap a day or time - swap fairly when needed.

Print it out. Laminate it. Pin it up. Have it on a table. Make sure there are several copies - so it is always at hand and hubby can see what he has helped to draw up and agreed to; and what he is supposed to be doing.

Make it easy for him to do his new job.

Make it . . . and treat it like a business.

But laugh about it when things don't work out, or go slightly wrong; and together tweek and amend the schedule whenever needed.

Edited

Some AI or bot derived nonsense right there. I've reported it.

This advice sounds lovely and might work with a loving partner who had just got a bit lost or not sure how to navigate new parenthood.

Sadly your DH doesn't sound like that. He sounds like an emotionally abusive, controlling and manipulative arse hole. I hope you can find a way to leave the relationship safely. I think you and your baby will be better for it.

Amyknows · 23/10/2024 13:57

What are you even asking op? Surely the one and only thing to do is leave?

So you never noticed his relationship with his kids? You probably knew what he's like and did it anyway.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/10/2024 14:53

ButtercupBeans · 23/10/2024 13:23

Don't leave. Try to work it out and fix it.

You and hubby agree and arrange a time and day to have a date night out.

Get a babysitter or family member to look after baby.

During date night, you and hubby both map out a rough day by day schedule, rota/plan. about who will feed baby, change baby, do housework/cooking/chores etc etc.

Make it lighthearted and fun . . .

Treat it like another business.

Map out "me" times, "us" times, individual baby times, friends times. family times, work etc.

Both of you draw up, negotiate and agree to the schedule.

Keep it flexible - when need be . . . for emergencies and other things that may crop up. But treat it like another job and you are both job-sharing - so if you need to swap a day or time - swap fairly when needed.

Print it out. Laminate it. Pin it up. Have it on a table. Make sure there are several copies - so it is always at hand and hubby can see what he has helped to draw up and agreed to; and what he is supposed to be doing.

Make it easy for him to do his new job.

Make it . . . and treat it like a business.

But laugh about it when things don't work out, or go slightly wrong; and together tweek and amend the schedule whenever needed.

Edited

Don't be so blooming silly.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/10/2024 14:55

I had a c-section in order to plan around work (his idea). I worked until midnight the day before my c-section, in the hospital, he brought my laptop to me because he had something I needed to attend to. The day I was released form hospital, I started working again on his demand.

@ButtercupBeans you numpty, does this sound like a man open to a lovely conversation on a date night? Or an abusive twat who played a bait-and-switch on OP?

PinkyFlamingo · 23/10/2024 14:56

You end this relationship obviously.

TheSandgroper · 23/10/2024 15:03

Are you a director or partner of the business or an employee?

Get a really good independent accountant then a lawyer.

Do not stay.

thepariscrimefiles · 23/10/2024 15:23

ButtercupBeans · 23/10/2024 13:23

Don't leave. Try to work it out and fix it.

You and hubby agree and arrange a time and day to have a date night out.

Get a babysitter or family member to look after baby.

During date night, you and hubby both map out a rough day by day schedule, rota/plan. about who will feed baby, change baby, do housework/cooking/chores etc etc.

Make it lighthearted and fun . . .

Treat it like another business.

Map out "me" times, "us" times, individual baby times, friends times. family times, work etc.

Both of you draw up, negotiate and agree to the schedule.

Keep it flexible - when need be . . . for emergencies and other things that may crop up. But treat it like another job and you are both job-sharing - so if you need to swap a day or time - swap fairly when needed.

Print it out. Laminate it. Pin it up. Have it on a table. Make sure there are several copies - so it is always at hand and hubby can see what he has helped to draw up and agreed to; and what he is supposed to be doing.

Make it easy for him to do his new job.

Make it . . . and treat it like a business.

But laugh about it when things don't work out, or go slightly wrong; and together tweek and amend the schedule whenever needed.

Edited

No mention of his awful behaviour? Make it lighthearted and fun? Did you read how he's behaved since she got pregnant with the baby that he really wanted?

He sounds abusive and she should leave him.

nutbrownhare15 · 23/10/2024 15:32

Now you know why he is really divorced. You could try to change him but could you ever get over the resentment of what he's done to you? I couldn't. I'd be contacting a solicitor with a view to divorce.

HappyToSmile · 23/10/2024 19:35

Just leave. He won't change and you're doing it all yourself anyway. If you leave, you will be doing all the same things but will have none of the resentment and upset you must feel because of him. I'm guessing it will be hard as you work together, but I reckon he needs you more at work than you need him and could easily find another job

GreatTheCat · 23/10/2024 19:44

Not what you wanted to hear, but you leave him.

Your daughter will have a much betterife without him.