Husband attended year end function without me even though I was invited

[NumbMother]

So, long story short, my husband is a committee member at an organization in the field that we both work in. I know all the other members and their wives from past events and some are even personal friends of ours. We have attended all the functions together even before we were married. Last night was the annual year end function and he made it seem like this year it was only committee members (no spouses) that were invited for the function. Though I thought it was odd, I did not think twice about it. Our daughter is 9 months old and he had gone the the committee meetings during the year, every time he would start an argument right before he had to leave the house to attend the meetings. Most of the time he would commit to coming home at a decent hour, though when I would send him a message 2 hours after the time he committed to be home, he would only respond when it suits him, sometimes an hour later, to say he is on his way home. Only to arrive an hour later even though the venue is 10 minutes away from our home.
Back to last night...He made arrangements for one of the member to pick him up at home. When he arrived, his wife was sitting in the car with him...? When I asked my husband why she is going to the function, he said that he decided when he received the invite that he would attend alone since I had to look after our baby. According to him, he is not wrong for making this decision on him own without consulting/informing me? He purposely excluded me and decided to attend the function alone even though all the other member's wives attended. When I told him that we could have arranged for a babysitter, he just said it is unnecessary to make alternative arrangements and that this is what a mother should do, stay at home with the baby.
I am feeling hurt by his actions, yet he does not think he was wrong for attending alone. Am I being unreasonable for insisting that these types of events should be attended by both or at the very least discussed? To make matters worse, he turned off his phone and came home very late and very drunk. Now he is giving me the silent treatment because according to him I am being unreasonable for assuming I would be attending as his +1.
Am I being unreasonable?

Your H is up to something, I too suspect he’s had his head turned. And sadly he doesn’t even respect you enough to hide it any more. Sorry op. You need to have a serious think about what you want to do.

I would be extraordinarily suspicious of this behaviour.
At best, it's hurtful.

This is what im wondering and i dont usually jump to that- but the picking fights before meetings, staying after and now this…

Would you even bother? Does it make it easier to get a divorce? Because otherwise the "your place is in the house with the baby" shite would have put him off me enough that finding out there was an affair would make no difference either way.

I cannot, for the life of me, imagine why you think everyone over 60 would behave like this? Does it seem extraordinarily old to you?

I don’t know any decent individual of my own age who would do what the OP’s husband has done. Morality isn’t a matter of age.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5193860-father-not-helping-with-baby

Please get some advice on how to leave this man. I know from your other thread that your income and career are intertwined with his, which makes things difficult. But even so, there are charitable organisations who can help you find a way out of this marriage.

I would be well on my way to divorcing him.

You must be new here. 😂

I don't think "booking yourself a day out" is going cut it!

I agree with the majority that there is something else going on sadly for you OP, even if there's not he's an absolute arse and why would you want to be with someone so awful to you?

His head has been turned. I don’t think its possible to stop it once it starts.

I’m sorry, I hope he doesn’t mess you up too much on his way. Best wishes to you and your baby x

👏

I'm 68 and my late DH would have been 70 now. He was an absolute equal in parenting and domestic stuff when we had our children, and that was how it was will all of our friends.

Some people on Mumsnet have bonkers ideas about people of our age.

Actually scrub that, it probably would benefit the OP to have evidence of an affair because on her other thread she's detailed his long term financial and emotional abuse. But honestly the best thing she could do is just get out.

I'm so sorry. This events is the least of your problems. You don't have to stay in your industry, you know. If you have a baby you are presumably young, and your future happiness is more important than clinging to the sunk costs fallacy of this 2 year project.

Get out and start over.

I think you have a much bigger problem than your husband not wanting you to attend a party.

Fuck this pig and all the others who behave like him.

An aside to your question/issue I am surprised in 2024 there are still committees of men who get invited to dinners where they 'bring wife'- sounds like the life my grandparents lived.
I've worked 20+ years in IT companies, colleagues have always been both men and women. Any work events do not bring '+1' plenty colleagues there mix with each other, an awards dinner fill the table with people from the company.

Either he is up to something OR he doesn't want to spend time with you or possibly both, either way its not good

So you are in a really ugly abusive relationship.

He starts a row so he can ignore you?
Absolutely deliberate and premeditated.

I would think he is being unfaithful or doing drugs.
He certainly no longer loves or cares for you.
He is controlling and a liar.

Have you family?
Tell them the truth.
I would take it your marriage is over and this behaviour is not in isolation.

How else does he treat you?
Does he do his fair share in the house and with baby?
How is he with money?

You need to wipe your tears and start planning because this is not a good man.

Tell family and friends the truth.
I am so sorry.

My ExDH did this to me with a works Xmas party. Told me I couldn’t go that year as his work bestie didn’t want to take his DW (who I was friends with) and it would be too awkward if I went along and she couldn’t .

At a dinner party with the couple above (after the event) she said in front of both of them how she’d missed going to the Xmas party and thought it was unfair that just be MY ExDH didn’t want me to go she had missed out….he didn’t say anything at the time to dismiss her saying this, but later told me she was lying.

Yeaaarrrs later I come to find out it was him who didn’t want me there as he fancied a colleague and thought he may get somewhere with her….

Basically his change in behaviour is worrying OP, there will be a reason behind his lies…

On its own it's quite thoughtless but the fact that he actively lied and said you weren't invited and the fact that he starts an argument every time he goes to a committee meeting and then comes home two hours late has red flags waving all over.

At the very least he's become contemptuous and disrespectful towards you. I once had a boyfriend who'd "forget" to tell me about events we were both invited to. I felt like I was useful for sharing the boring bits of life and sex but when he was going out to have fun he couldn't be arsed with having me tag along. But in your case the lying and the other stuff makes it look so much worse.

What a horrible man. I wouldn't be hurt. I'd be furious. The sexism, the sulking, the suspicion I wouldn't be able to avoid that he was actually shagging someone else....

It would be a deal breaker for me too. He starts arguments before he leaves the house for these meetings and comes home late. That suggests an affair. He made an arbitrary decision about OP staying at home with the baby and lied to her about wives attending the function. He came home drunk and an hour after the function ended when the venue is only ten minutes away. He’s a sexist pig who wants his wife ‘in her place’ at home with the baby while he does as he likes. I’d be getting my ducks well and truly in a row.

He causes a row before he goes out so that he can tell the other woman how unreasonable you are. Sorry this is happening.