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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband attended year end function without me even though I was invited

215 replies

NumbMother · 29/11/2024 09:25

So, long story short, my husband is a committee member at an organization in the field that we both work in. I know all the other members and their wives from past events and some are even personal friends of ours. We have attended all the functions together even before we were married. Last night was the annual year end function and he made it seem like this year it was only committee members (no spouses) that were invited for the function. Though I thought it was odd, I did not think twice about it. Our daughter is 9 months old and he had gone the the committee meetings during the year, every time he would start an argument right before he had to leave the house to attend the meetings. Most of the time he would commit to coming home at a decent hour, though when I would send him a message 2 hours after the time he committed to be home, he would only respond when it suits him, sometimes an hour later, to say he is on his way home. Only to arrive an hour later even though the venue is 10 minutes away from our home.
Back to last night...He made arrangements for one of the member to pick him up at home. When he arrived, his wife was sitting in the car with him...? When I asked my husband why she is going to the function, he said that he decided when he received the invite that he would attend alone since I had to look after our baby. According to him, he is not wrong for making this decision on him own without consulting/informing me? He purposely excluded me and decided to attend the function alone even though all the other member's wives attended. When I told him that we could have arranged for a babysitter, he just said it is unnecessary to make alternative arrangements and that this is what a mother should do, stay at home with the baby.
I am feeling hurt by his actions, yet he does not think he was wrong for attending alone. Am I being unreasonable for insisting that these types of events should be attended by both or at the very least discussed? To make matters worse, he turned off his phone and came home very late and very drunk. Now he is giving me the silent treatment because according to him I am being unreasonable for assuming I would be attending as his +1.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
WilmerFlintstone · 29/11/2024 12:20

Catza · 29/11/2024 09:28

Sorry to say but your marriage is over.

Peak MN.

Powerofflower · 29/11/2024 12:26

He sounds controlling. You had his baby now you can stay home and look after it because he says so. Watch his actions op. I would be backing out of this one.

MuchLess · 29/11/2024 12:28

Wow. I cannot believe he said that to you. He has zero respect for you and I doubt he will improve. What a pig.

NINP · 29/11/2024 12:33

Whether or not he’s having an affair, he has disdain for the OP. He has decided, without giving the OP agency in the decision, that the right place for him is to socialise in their professional circle and the right place for her is at home with the baby. I agree with PP that the this doesn’t look like a great marriage to stay in.

SnoopySantaPaws · 29/11/2024 12:35

Prisonpillow · 29/11/2024 09:44

That’s a bit much!

No it's not.

HAPPILYMARRIEDSINCE2012 · 29/11/2024 12:37

ZoeRuby · 29/11/2024 09:34

I hate to see this and I hope I am wrong but is there a possibility he is being unfaithful to you with someone who attends these meetings?

It sounds like he is up to something he doesn’t want you to know about. Sorry OP.

This ⬆️

PrimalLass · 29/11/2024 12:39

Peak MN.

Read the other thread. The man is a vile pig. The marriage was over months ago.

Thatcastlethere · 29/11/2024 12:41

Omg I just read your other thread.
You need to leave this man. This is no life.

ManchesterLu · 29/11/2024 12:42

I think there must have been someone else he wanted to spend the evening with, without you being present, unfortunately.

SnoopySantaPaws · 29/11/2024 12:48

Christ almighty, I followed the link above to your previous thread. Which is read at the time, but didn't realise it was yours.

you already knew you needed to leave him, what's stopping you?

id be leaving him if it was just about this thread, but added to your other one...you need to get you & DD out of there ASAP.

SnoopySantaPaws · 29/11/2024 12:50

Funny how he was insistent on getting her into day care (are you in the US) from being tiny, but can't possibly get a babysitter for one evening.

🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️

BlackCatsForever · 29/11/2024 12:53

I just read the OP’s other thread. This one is a red herring or at least just a small part of a much bigger problem. OP, you need to contact Women’s Aid.

thepariscrimefiles · 29/11/2024 12:55

Reading your other thread, this is just the tip of the iceberg. You need to leave with your baby. He is a neglectful father and husband.

JustinThyme · 29/11/2024 13:01

this is what a mother should do, stay at home with the baby.

How did you listen to him spout this sexist nonsense and not cut his knackers off?

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 29/11/2024 13:02

Bloody hell, surely he would at least realise that his assumptions are about 50 years out of date. It was very unkind to exclude you like that, and outrageous to say that childcare is always your job. Sorry but I think you have a big problem here because it is unlikely to be a one off.

Beastiesandthebeauty · 29/11/2024 13:04

I can only think of 2 scenarios

  1. An affair or a desire of.
  2. He enjoys it more without you.

Either one I don't think your marriage is in a good place. It is a really shitty thing to do to you and the lying and deflection is crap too.

LBFseBrom · 29/11/2024 13:05

I am sorry, op.

ChristmasTunesAlready · 29/11/2024 13:06

When I told him that we could have arranged for a babysitter, he just said it is unnecessary to make alternative arrangements and that this is what a mother should do, stay at home with the baby.

He's made it clear what he's expecting from you and marriage.
I agree with previous posters saying he's possibly having an affair.

I'd be having serious words with him about this comment and seriously reconsider your marriage. You clearly didn't sign up for this kind of behaviour.

Scrapper142 · 29/11/2024 13:08

Traditional/stay at home wives that stay in to look after a baby can only exist with a traditional husband bringing in the money. Sounds like he's suddenly a modern man when he wants half the bills and forces his wife to work and baby into childcare.

Where is his ex-wife? What's his relationship like with his children? That's what you and your child face. My guess is he was the same with them, so do you want the same. Likely they have excelled away from him or are broken by him.

Beastiesandthebeauty · 29/11/2024 13:09

I just read your previous post now too. Leave. That beautiful baby of yours he has solely to trap and control you further.

Barryplopper · 29/11/2024 13:16

The deeper question is why he doesn't want you to go with him to these events, I known if I was attending an event where you can bring a plus 1, and other people are taking partners and it's something to do with the area my oh worked in I'd want to take him along! His behaviour is fishy ...he could have a night out without you at any other point in the year

Bunnycat101 · 29/11/2024 13:21

I was about to say that this incident in isolation may not be as terminal for your marriage as other posters were making out. I for example have no desire at all to be a plus one at my husband’s work events etc. Then I read your other thread! What a pig of a man! You should really be thinking about how to leave.

WilmerFlintstone · 29/11/2024 13:30

PrimalLass · 29/11/2024 12:39

Peak MN.

Read the other thread. The man is a vile pig. The marriage was over months ago.

This was the second comment posted.

PrimalLass · 29/11/2024 13:33

I'm guessing that's because similar scenarios are posted on here every day, and the result is always the same.

pikkumyy77 · 29/11/2024 13:34

Shockingly awful behavior. You are a professional in the same firld and also his wife and the mother of a nine month old? He is mistreating you and disrespecting you in each of these roles. This is extremely concerning. Please get help—he is abusing you and you don’t seem to be able to see it. It will only get worse.

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