Am I being unreasonable for wanting to tell ex sister in law that her custody agreement is ridiculous and affecting my life?

[Draadeil]

My ex sister in law and current brother in law are both knuckle heads who are driving me potty! My relationship with brother in law is extremely strained and my husband has asked me to lay off him but I feel his ex exacerbates all his issues and although I've never had a relationship with her (known for a decade but only spoke regarding pleasantrys as really had nothing more in common) I feel I need to express my concerns to her. I've asked my husband to give me her phone number so I can speak to her but he's refused.

Now for some context. They share 3 children ages 3,5 & 7 who are wild! Brother in law has been lodging with us but we are currently fully renovating our small property. Ex sister in law works part time Monday to Friday at a nursery and brother in law works one shift a week at the local hospital as a support worker. Because brother in law works the least he gets shafted with custody and has the kids sometimes up to 6 days a week! However as you can see because he has custody so much he states he can't work more hours and as a result him and his children run rampant through my home with no hope of him being able to afford to move out. They have no formal agreement but I have advised to him they get one, he shrugged off the idea. Ex sister in law will often change her plans when she is supposed to have the kids, and always has some excuse why she can't have them that day. She was supposed to have them last weekend but had a tummy bug, meanwhile brother in law had to have them when he had COVID! He won't put his foot down because he doesn't want to let his kids down, but I won't allow them to permanently live with me. I don't like children and chosen to be child free, I have no issues with them staying the weekend but they're here constantly, I may as well have adopted them. It's all absurd and I've had enough as it's massively impacting on my life, all I want is a bit of peace, quiet and alone time with my husband. Am I being unreasonable for wanting to tell her to sort it out and for forcing a more fair custody agreement?

You are being unreasonable. The issue is your brother in law not working full time and not providing a home for his children.

But it's not the custody arrangement that's the problem is it, it's the fact that it's taking place in your house?

Can you help BIL find somewhere else to stay or, at the very least, somewhere else to take the kids?

Don't be absurd. You're not in a position to 'force' anything in regards to their custody arrangements.

Just tell BIL that he's not able to live with you permanently. Give him a date a month or two in advance and tell him he has to leave by then. No need to involve yourself any more than that.

Your problems is with your BIL, not her, he's the one you need to speak to.

He could easily get a full time job and childcare like millions of other families do.

BIL needs to find somewhere to live, whatever that takes. Your husband needs to address the situation it is unfair on all concerned. Your home should be somewhere where you can relax sounds far from that ATM.

Your BIL is the problem. He needs to move out and then you have no more problem. Involving yourself in their custody agreement will not end well.

Your issue is with your brother in law and what he imposes on you, it’s not with her. He may have an issue that needs addressing with her but that’s for him not you.

I don’t understand why anyone thinks you’re being reasonable.

You need to get BIL out and wind your neck in

Yeah. Not your ex-SILs fault. So she's supposed to magically cough up money for all the childcare (presumably what BIL is earning wouldn't touch the sides of those costs) so your BIL might pick up more shifts?

Your BIL needs to leave, then it's not your problem. And they can sort themselves out. I feel sorry for the ex-SIL to be fair.

YANBU but those poor children

Your BIL needs to put his big boy pants on and sort his life (and by extension, his dc’s) out.

He’s clearly the primary carer so of his ex has retained the home he needs to get back in and seek some legal advice asap.

The problem is not with your ex-SIL, you need to get the BIL out of your house.
So many posts on MN from people trying to force others to behave the way they think they should, and working themselves into a frenzy.
It doesn't matter how unreasonable someone is being, you can only control your own behaviour, not theirs.
You are responsible for putting boundaries in place around what you will tolerate.

If SIL is still in the former family home, then why don’t you suggest they swap houses for a while? So BIL and kids live in former family home and SIL comes to yours - give it a time limit of 3 months or so for them to sort better accommodation and job/childcare.

You still wouldn’t be happy if he had standard 50:50 custody. The issue is you don’t want him and his children living with you (which is fair enough). How did it come about? What was the agreement on how long it could continue? Give him notice to find somewhere else.

I assume that if you do contact your ex-sister-in-law, she'll just laugh in your face and tell you to mind your own business.

The issue is your BIL living in your home. Why can't he work more shifts and put them in nursery/after school clubs. How long is he supposed to be staying with you? Is there anywhere else that he could stay, e.g. his parents?

Frankly - the main problem is your DH.

He should tell his brother he needs to find somewhere else to live, and that he can't stay with you any longer.

Problem will then be solved.

It's not your business. His custody arrangements arent your business. Deal with what is your business. Tell him that he cannot stay in your house anymore and give him notice to leave.

Then send him to the council and tell him to so a homelessness application. They might put him in a refuge in the short term but eventually they will house him and the children. He needs to apply for child benefit for the kids as the primary carer. He also needs to apply for CM from the mum.

WTAF is wrong with people?? Of course you are not unreasonable to be unhappy with this arrangement.

An extra adult and 3 young children imposed on you just like that! Your DH and your BIL need to grow a set and sort this shit out. BIL and his kids need to get the fuck out of your home. He needs to get his arse out there and find a proper FT job and take responsibility for the children he and his ex created. She's not exactly mother of the year either is she?!

Give them a deadline to deal with this. They aren't your problem. Your DH is completely unreasonable in expecting you to put up with this particularly as you are in the throes of renovating your own small home with all of these extra humans in a tiny space! I am not one bit surprised that you are fed up.

Where YABU is in expecting the ex SIL to sort it. It's up to both parents, not just one. Is there nowhere else they can go? How long has this been going on? They are really imposing on you!

3 year old will get funded hours, 5 & 7 year old are at school. He can work nights while his ex has them and then they both use childcare for them so they can both work/rest. Obviously it’s not great he has them so much and his ex is unreliable but that’s not your business! If he’s the resident parent he needs to go via CMS, and/or formalise their agreement.

WTAF is wrong with people?? Of course you are not unreasonable to be unhappy with this arrangement.

@Lookingatthesunset There is nothing wrong with people. It is not the OP place to say that custody arrangement is screwing up her life.

However she can give her BIL one month's notice to leave her house (or even less as he isn't a tenant or a lodger) stating clearly that she allowed him to stay in her place alone and if he wants to have his children over to stay then he needs to live elsewhere.

Why can't your BIL work longer hours? He could get weekend shifts when the DC are with his ex.

You need to boot him out.
He then needs to go to the council and tell them he's homeless with kids.
They'll probably put him in temporary accommodation until a place comes available.
He needs to take it. (He can move at a later date).

Until he is actually homeless the council won't do anything, as he's housed with you

Your issue is your lack of a backbone. Ask your BIL to leave and you'll have your home back.

Controversially, I don't think you're being unreasonable but how you're going to sort it out is a bit of a conundrum without totally upsetting your DH.

Both he and his brother need to get their act together.

Why is it your ex-SIL's fault that your BIL is feckless? Don't make the woman responsible for the man's faults.

Absolutely this!

He needs to realise that he’s a single dad of three, he needs to step up and provide them with a home and he needs to work far more than one shift a week. You can’t support four people on that. He’s a freeloader but you’re all blaming his ex because he can’t be bothered to grow up.