Am I being unreasonable for wanting to tell ex sister in law that her custody agreement is ridiculous and affecting my life?

[Draadeil]

My ex sister in law and current brother in law are both knuckle heads who are driving me potty! My relationship with brother in law is extremely strained and my husband has asked me to lay off him but I feel his ex exacerbates all his issues and although I've never had a relationship with her (known for a decade but only spoke regarding pleasantrys as really had nothing more in common) I feel I need to express my concerns to her. I've asked my husband to give me her phone number so I can speak to her but he's refused.

Now for some context. They share 3 children ages 3,5 & 7 who are wild! Brother in law has been lodging with us but we are currently fully renovating our small property. Ex sister in law works part time Monday to Friday at a nursery and brother in law works one shift a week at the local hospital as a support worker. Because brother in law works the least he gets shafted with custody and has the kids sometimes up to 6 days a week! However as you can see because he has custody so much he states he can't work more hours and as a result him and his children run rampant through my home with no hope of him being able to afford to move out. They have no formal agreement but I have advised to him they get one, he shrugged off the idea. Ex sister in law will often change her plans when she is supposed to have the kids, and always has some excuse why she can't have them that day. She was supposed to have them last weekend but had a tummy bug, meanwhile brother in law had to have them when he had COVID! He won't put his foot down because he doesn't want to let his kids down, but I won't allow them to permanently live with me. I don't like children and chosen to be child free, I have no issues with them staying the weekend but they're here constantly, I may as well have adopted them. It's all absurd and I've had enough as it's massively impacting on my life, all I want is a bit of peace, quiet and alone time with my husband. Am I being unreasonable for wanting to tell her to sort it out and for forcing a more fair custody agreement?

OP you can't control the custody arrangement but you CAN control who lives and stays at your house.

You need to have a firm discussion with your DH. Set your boundaries and stick to them. You don't have to have them all there all week.

What are you on about? It's your fault for letting him stay, not the ex SIL for expecting him to care for his kids. As he has them in his care (not 'shafted' FFS!) he should be able to get emergency accommodation if you make him homeless and he applies through the proper route.

They are his children. He is always responsible for them. If he isn’t working, why shouldn’t he be the primary residential parent?

you have no right to get involved in their custody arrangement. You can however decide you no longer want BIL living in your home.

“Their father is equally responsible and could get a court ordered arrangement just the same.”

Courts order the resident parent when to make the children available for the nonresident parent to have contact.

Courts don’t force non-resident parents to take their children.

If she doesn’t want them the court can’t make her take them.

"Shafted" by having his own children? No.

You need to speak to your husband, obviously. You're nothing to do with the relationship between your BIL and exSIL. Your relationship with your husband, however, is the problem because he's allowing you to remain unhappy so that his brother can live with you all when it's clearly not a tenable arrangement.

Your brother in law needs to provide a home for his children, and not lodge is his brothers spare room.

And he needs to get a full time job to pay for them

Sounds like you have a DH problem. He meeds to man up and give his bro a date to leave. You can both support the BIL to find some other arrangement but your DH needs to get on the same page as you, stat. There’s helping family out and then there’s being taken for a ride.

I’m finding it odd that the sil is a nursery worker who cannot be bothered with her own dc and bil is a support worker who can’t even support himself. Rather ironic.

If you don't want BIL there with his children, you give him notice. From January say, he won't be welcome to use yours as a home on the days/nights he has the kids. If this means HE choses to say at yours and have the kids less, that's up to him. Their custody arrangement is not your business.

Is ex SIL in the family home? Why can't BIL go round there to look after the kids while she is at work?

Hello. I can understand you feeling upset your life has been impacted in this way. But I find your focus on the ex SIL odd. Your BIL surely is equally responsible. Maybe he’s not responding to your concerns and you’re thinking you’ll sort it with ex SIL. But where is your DH in all? It reads to me like it’s being left to the women to sort because the men are not prepared to actually do anything. It’s not clear why your BIL works only 1 shift a week when 2 kids are in school. It’s not clear why your ex SIL is only working part-time. I feel really sorry for these poor kids as they don’t really have a ‘home’ and neither parent is getting their act together. You don’t really know your ex SIL so I doubt speaking to her would go down well and it’s not your place anyway. Your BIL and DH need to step up and be pro active in finding a way forward. Best wishes.

The issue is well and truly your BIL and/or you and your husband letting him live with you for so long.

Their custody arrangement is nothing to do with you. Who you have in your home is to do with you. Tell him to make arrangements and leave.

At the moment your DH is choosing to side with and help his brother, at the expense of his wife.
You need to make your DH so uncomfortable with this that he will side with you, his wife, and get the BIL gone.

Can you move out and refuse to come back until BIL is gone?

If not, you just have to make it very, very uncomfortable for DH. Housework strike? Don't cook for any of them? Go out every evening and leave him to deal with BIL and kids?

Your DH has refused to give you your ex SIL number - it seems he doesn't want your involvement. Your BIL is lodging with you and taking most of the childcare and you believe that means he is being shafted (for caring about his own children and having them with him). The SIL doesn't always take up the child access that's been informally agreed. You don't like children and want peace and quiet with your own husband (which I understand). Your DH, it seems to me, is trying his best to do right by his niece/nephews/brother, and you. The BIL will find a way forward in time. These are children who didn't choose the situation they are in. I have a feeling your DH understands that. You might not be doing yourself a favour by your attitude, sorry to say. It's the children I want to be ok and it probs depends on their father being ok. In a few years time when this has all played out, there will be plenty holidays etc you can enjoy. I'd think about what your DH wants atm tbh

If the roles were reversed and the BIL worked full-time and his ex-wife worked just 1 shift per week, no one would say that she was lumbered doing all the childcare!!! And yes you still have to look after your kids when you are sick and the other parent is at work, that’s life.

You say that they need to “sort it out” to a “more fair” custody arrangement 😂 Do you honestly think that Mum should work full-time and have the majority of custody of the kids, while their dad works one day a week and has less custody. Screams sexism to me.

You are completely and utterly unreasonable. Don't like it? Ask him to move out.

So she’s got a proper Monday - Friday job and yet she’s the problem when he has 1/ no home for his kids 2/ no proper job.

FFS you’re blind to the issues

You need to give your BIL notice to move out and if your DH doesn’t support you in this, you’ll need to rethink your relationship.

YANBU to have had enough of having t9 accommodate BIL and his kids. But this is not going to be solved by ex SIL and YABU to want to contact her.
Speak to BIL, get some ground rules in place and he either abides by them or moves out

This sums it up perfectly

As a first move, if he hasn’t already, get him to claim UC. Then he can start looking for a place of his own and UC will pay a reasonable rent until he sorts himself out. There will be conditionality, but it sounds as though that’s what he needs.

'Shafted with custody' Charming.

However YANBU your bil needs to find somewhere else to live. It's not the exs fault that he is useless.

Your DH is the biggest problem here. He is enabling and allowing his brother to be the way he is.

Plenty of parents work and share custody. Plenty of single parents work and single handedly manage to look after their children. So that's not an excuse not to work more.

Your BIL needs to sort himself out. Your DH needs to step and be a decent husband and take your opinion on board.

The issue isn’t the custody arrangement, it’s the fact he is living with you.

I agree with the other posters, your problem is your BIL taking over your home with his kids, your husband needs to stop ignoring the problem and telling you to lay off his brother. Husband thinks if he reins you in all will be dandy but you both need your house back and not have used as a nursery! You need to both put your foot down and give him a date to move out.