Am I being unreasonable for wanting to tell ex sister in law that her custody agreement is ridiculous and affecting my life?

[Draadeil]

My ex sister in law and current brother in law are both knuckle heads who are driving me potty! My relationship with brother in law is extremely strained and my husband has asked me to lay off him but I feel his ex exacerbates all his issues and although I've never had a relationship with her (known for a decade but only spoke regarding pleasantrys as really had nothing more in common) I feel I need to express my concerns to her. I've asked my husband to give me her phone number so I can speak to her but he's refused.

Now for some context. They share 3 children ages 3,5 & 7 who are wild! Brother in law has been lodging with us but we are currently fully renovating our small property. Ex sister in law works part time Monday to Friday at a nursery and brother in law works one shift a week at the local hospital as a support worker. Because brother in law works the least he gets shafted with custody and has the kids sometimes up to 6 days a week! However as you can see because he has custody so much he states he can't work more hours and as a result him and his children run rampant through my home with no hope of him being able to afford to move out. They have no formal agreement but I have advised to him they get one, he shrugged off the idea. Ex sister in law will often change her plans when she is supposed to have the kids, and always has some excuse why she can't have them that day. She was supposed to have them last weekend but had a tummy bug, meanwhile brother in law had to have them when he had COVID! He won't put his foot down because he doesn't want to let his kids down, but I won't allow them to permanently live with me. I don't like children and chosen to be child free, I have no issues with them staying the weekend but they're here constantly, I may as well have adopted them. It's all absurd and I've had enough as it's massively impacting on my life, all I want is a bit of peace, quiet and alone time with my husband. Am I being unreasonable for wanting to tell her to sort it out and for forcing a more fair custody agreement?

Write a letter of eviction now giving thirty days to leave. He can use that to take to the council who will move him to a homeless shelter with a large room until a home suitable becomes available. We lived in one for 6 months it was fine. It’s his best hope of finding a place to live with his current situation.

He’s got a house, lol.

It seems like he moved out expecting the kids and ex to be at the family home but the ex seems to have reneged on the original arrangement of 50/50 and the kids are with him 80/90% of the time which means he really needs to go back home. The council just about want to house those in dire need, this dude has zero chance of even getting a look in once they hear he has a house that he chose to leave.

The SIL clearly has her faults but ultimately this is essentially a bil issue, he needs to go back home with the kids and start making proper arrangements and find a job with more hours, the lazy sod simply can’t afford the luxury of working 1 day a week anymore.

No point OP moaning about the ex, regardless of if the op thinks of her, the financial arrangements, etc, the ex isn’t the one holed up in her house causing mayhem, the Bil is and he needs to go back to his house with his kids and sort it all out legally.

@hoxtonbabe Exactly! If his wife tries to chuck him and their children out on the street, she’s not going to get much sympathy, because he has a legal right to live there and they have a responsibility to house their children.

Just wondering- do you think it could be an abusive relationship, OP, I.e., he’s afraid to go back to the house with the children? Is that why your DH is being so insistent that his brother stays with you?

No you should not get involved in this ludicrous situation OP. Concentrate on extracting yourself not enmeshing yourself further.
Give bil notice now and what is this my husband won’t allow it nonsense! Can bil not move in with your husband’s parents asap? Either way, not your concern.
I really hope your ‘d’h has no claim on your house because I would SERIOUSLY be reconsidering that relationship too.
It really sounds like you are being used by the lot of them. I am actually outraged on your behalf. Where is your husband’s care and support for you and your wishes? Maybe he can go with bil and the children and they can sort it out together.

Personally, I feel a cat or dog may adequately fill the void your DH leaves.

YANBU. It's your home, your choice. Nothing to do with you. Even without the added drama, you don't have to accept him living with you. The poor kids need stability anyway, so need a home of their own. He should try and prove that he has them most days so he can get help with rent/ housing.

I just read your reply. He's choosing to remain in this situation. He can easily prove that he has the kids and claim for them and also reclaim their home. Kick them all out. It's your house, your husband has no right to allow his brother to stay.

All the while your BIL is living with you, you're stuck with the problem. You're effectively enabling his lazy lifestyle because if he wasn't lodging at your's he would be forced to find accommodation for himself and the children.

You need to enforce your boundaries via your DH whose problem it really is, put your foot down with your DH and stop all this nonsense, it's ridiculous. And those poor children, what sort of dreadful life is it for them with two irresponsible parents who aren't putting their children's first.

@Firethehorse absolutely the "D"H sounds like a flippin useless tool, probably peas in a pod with his useless brother.

it makes you wonder how people make it to adulthood they're that inept and feckless.

Are you serious, you have a lay about brother in law taking full advantage of accommodation for himself and his children when he should be out there like other dads working his ass off for his own house. You have it totally totally wrong the one you should be annoyed at. Move out your unwanted lodger and your ex sister in law is nothing to do with you, it's up to the parents to figure things out and not under your roof. If your other half is fine with all of this there is seriously something wrong with him not stepping up instead of being taken advantage of. You really really are mad at the wrong person here like.

Send him home. It’s his house. In the event of a split, she will be entitled to a portion of it. Perhaps not quite half seeing as he’s doing more of the caregiving. And he needs to be claiming all the benefits.

I feel sorry for those children. Seems mum can't be be bothered with them and dad doesn't have suitable accommodation for them. And their aunt is pissed off with having them at her house.
His excuse for not working more is crap. He can get a full time job and he and ex pay for childcare. Or he works nights and she does days if they want to avoid paying full time nursery fees.
Unfortunately you're not going to get anywhere without your DHs support. You need to tell him to give his brother a date by when he needs to leave. Surely it was only ever supposed to be short term. Tell your husband it's not fair on the kids and they need a space of their own. If you phrase it as being worried about the kids rather than pissed off with his brother it might have more effect.

Your DH is the problem. He has inflicted his brother and his kids on you without any consideration for the toll it's taking on you. Tell them all to leave (though you might find that even though the house is in your name, he has a right, as your husband, to live there).

I agree with this post. You are married, so unless you took specific precautions, you can’t just throw DH out.

I can see how it would be tempting though. X

Give your brother in law a date to move out by. Problem solved.

Nope. Your reply changes nothing. The unreasonable ones in this scenario are (in order) your DH, then your BIL. The SIL is not your circus.

Insist that your DH gives notice to your BIL.

Just to reply to people why I think this is to do with SIL. She works 3 hours a day, lives in their old home (purchased by my husband's parents) and doesn't pay any child support but is claiming the benefit. I think this has everything to do with her because she doesn't give him money for caring for the kids and only sees them once a week when they originally agreed to share custody. It's not fair on the kids that they don't have a place to call their own. I was under the impression that he would be staying with us temporarily originally but now after seeing his finances there's no hope he will be able to afford his own place and I simply cannot afford that burden. It has nothing to do with the fact I think she should take a priority in child rearing (those calling me mysoginisic) and everything to do with that fact she's dropped the ball completely after being a very devoting parent when they were together. Yes I'd like to kick him out but my husband won't allow it so might as well kick them all out together.

Well, yes, quite BUT none of this is for you to confront her about. Your BIL is the person you/DH needs to have this conversation with. He then needs to sort this out with his ex-wife. Why you think it’s not his job but your is really quite baffling.

You’re not unreasonable to be frustrated but you can’t control BIL ex-wife. You can control the situation with BIL though by telling him he needs to sort it and by giving a date for that.

There’s no point as a. “Custody agreement” (it’s not called that in the UK) would not force her to have them more anyway. It’s about to the right to have them.
people normally fight about wanting their kids more not because neither want them ☹️

And if one of them needs to be a sahp because they can’t afford childcare on their wages then why shouldn’t it be him?

Perhaps consider social services if she’s not caring for them at the home when she’s not working and he doesn’t have suitable accommodation

Seeing as they’re living in and trashing your home, you really aren’t being unreasonable to be totally fucked off by this.

But the problem is the appalling efforts of the father. One shift a week is a total joke. He needs to work more, get a formal arrangement in place and provide a home for his children. He needs to go. Otherwise I’d be telling my H that if he’s so determined to house his useless brother, he can do so elsewhere.

None of us necessarily think she is a parenting hero.

The point is that whatever her failings she is not accountable to you, and you are not responsible for your BIL’s failings.

Your problem is with your BIL. You need to deal with him, not her.

I am fully in sympathy with you, I wouldn’t want a lazy man leeching off me and crowding out my house with badly parented (or even well behaved) kids.

He does have financial options. Plenty of single parents work and pay childcare. Plenty get help from the state. Plenty have a court order setting out residency agreement.

Put your foot down with HIM. Then leave him to sort negotiations with ex, a job, a flat, a claim for UC.

Kick him out.

And you must surely understand that this is MN , where plenty single women who work f/t , pay rent and have the kids 11 days a fortnight , actually have been ‘shafted for childcare’ so describing a man with a one shift a week job with no living expenses in those terms got hackles up

You are being unreasonable to think your issue is with your SIL. Your issue is that your BIL has overstayed his welcome in your home.

the fact you think he should only have his kids at weekends is quite offensive.

If he has the kids that much & is homeless (couch surfing classes as this) then he should apply for a property for him & the kids with the council & housing associations since he must be the main carer.

My brother in law moved in with his sister and that was 12 years ago and he is still there, despite all her demands that he leave. It is much harder to get someone out that people on here seem to realise, especially when it's family. I really sympathise.

I definitely feel sorry for the children but the OP is technically not their aunt as she is neither related to the father or mother. She has no duty of care towards the children. I think the father should grow a backbone and sort the situation with his ex rather than allowing his kids to sofa surf with him. OP has been more than reasonable for putting up with this. On top of all of this it's her property. They are entitled to government support but the father is clearly comfortable because he is comfortable living at his SIL.

12 years? Can't she bag up his stuff and change the locks?

If I was OP I'd be giving him notice despite what her DH wants. I'd be rethinking my marriage as well if he didn't back me.