Am I being unreasonable for wanting to tell ex sister in law that her custody agreement is ridiculous and affecting my life?

[Draadeil]

My ex sister in law and current brother in law are both knuckle heads who are driving me potty! My relationship with brother in law is extremely strained and my husband has asked me to lay off him but I feel his ex exacerbates all his issues and although I've never had a relationship with her (known for a decade but only spoke regarding pleasantrys as really had nothing more in common) I feel I need to express my concerns to her. I've asked my husband to give me her phone number so I can speak to her but he's refused.

Now for some context. They share 3 children ages 3,5 & 7 who are wild! Brother in law has been lodging with us but we are currently fully renovating our small property. Ex sister in law works part time Monday to Friday at a nursery and brother in law works one shift a week at the local hospital as a support worker. Because brother in law works the least he gets shafted with custody and has the kids sometimes up to 6 days a week! However as you can see because he has custody so much he states he can't work more hours and as a result him and his children run rampant through my home with no hope of him being able to afford to move out. They have no formal agreement but I have advised to him they get one, he shrugged off the idea. Ex sister in law will often change her plans when she is supposed to have the kids, and always has some excuse why she can't have them that day. She was supposed to have them last weekend but had a tummy bug, meanwhile brother in law had to have them when he had COVID! He won't put his foot down because he doesn't want to let his kids down, but I won't allow them to permanently live with me. I don't like children and chosen to be child free, I have no issues with them staying the weekend but they're here constantly, I may as well have adopted them. It's all absurd and I've had enough as it's massively impacting on my life, all I want is a bit of peace, quiet and alone time with my husband. Am I being unreasonable for wanting to tell her to sort it out and for forcing a more fair custody agreement?

That poor, poor man.

How awful it must be to be shafted with your kids for 6 whole days a week!

The SIL and kids are pretty irrelevant.

You don’t want BIL in your home because of his kids.
So he needs to move out.

If your DP refuses to ask him to move out, then you may have to end the relationship.

Do they not have parents that he can stay with.

Surely if he’s the residential parent and technically homeless, he’d easily be able to get on the council house list.

Two of the children are school age and the third one would be entitled to 30 hours free childcare (and the mother works in a nursery so would probably get a discount for the time that's not covered). So the reasoning why he can't work more just doesn't really ring true. It's not SILs fault at all, you need to lay down a boundary with BIL and he needs to move out and work more!

Your DH, it seems to me, is trying his best to do right by his niece/nephews/brother, and you.

You may be right regarding his intentions @GranPepper but he has no right to force the OP to provide almost full-time accommodation for his brother and three children. I’m assuming that the OP and her DH jointly own their house so they need to mutually agree on who lives there and for how long.

Pwrhaps another family member (grandparents?) could help out? It shouldn’t all be down to the OP and her DH.

A PP asked which parent receives the child benefit, etc. I really hope it’s the Dad as he’s definitely got primary custody atm.

You have a husband problem and brother in law problem. Keep out of ex life as nothing to do with you

I don't think you're unreasonable to not like your home being over-run with out of control children.

I don't think you're unreasonable to dislike your BIL living with you and failing to parent his children in your home either.

I do think you're unreasonable to think that taking it up with his ex-wife is going to achieve anything useful. She won't give a shit, if she gave a shit, she wouldn't be sending the kids to yours all the time!

The issue you have is your husband and his brother. Your husband clearly doesn't see this as a problem for him, presumably because he's out at work most of the time it doesn't affect him much.

You need to make it your husband and his brothers problem. I'd be telling husband that either BIL and his kids get out, or I'd be starting divorce proceedings, because there is no way I could live with a houseful of unparented children that were also not mine to parent!

This

@WiddlinDiddlin To be blunt, if the house is jointly owned, the OP can say that she wants to sell up!

Both of these parents work part time. I don't see why posters are insisting that the one who has 6/7ths custody of three children is the only one who should up their hours.

Surely the parent who has the children one day a week should more obviously be working full time, in order to financially support the children she's mostly not caring for? I grant you that as a nursery worker even full time hours won't go very far, and a full investigation of benefits entitlements should be top of the To Do List, but there seems no excuse for her working part time.

Unfortunately the OP is in no place to demand this.

This is so wrong.

OP has chosen to be child free for a reason. Her BILS children are NOT her responsibility.

Her BIL sounds utterly pathetic and is using those children as an excuse not to work a full time job.

Her DH is being a crappy husband by not doing right by her. He needs to give his brother notice to leave and provide a roof over his childrens head without taking advantage of OP and her DH.

OP shouldn't be pressured or feel obligated to sacrifice what she wants for everyone else.

Definitely wood and trees here OP. The problem isn't your ex SIL. It's time your BIL moves out and provides a home for his kids.

Your issue is with your husband.
Is this half your property?
If so, tell him your BIL and his children have to leave.
These are not your children to house.
If he refuses, perhaps rethink your relationship.
You are being taken for a complete mug.
Sorry.

Personally I do think that the SIL is jointly responsible IF she’s still living in the family home, because the children need a proper home. She may not be though.

Neither of them sound like they’re prioritizing their children tbh, which is really sad.

That's one way to look at it. I'm not sure OP's DH agrees from her description. It would maybe be more helpful to help the BIL/children find a way forward than harassing her DH for SIL number as that's likely to inflame the situation rather than resolve it.

Exactly, fair enough if your DH to try & help his brother, but it all seems like chairs.

As your DH is ignoring you & basically telling you to shut up. I'd tell him fine, you deal with this crap, if you want to, but if they aren't out be the end of this weekend, I will be.

see if family/friends can put you up for a bit until your DH sorts his shit out.

i see the itony in it, but im sure you'll be a great house guest!

I don’t want to pile on, but yes, you are being unreasonable, because their custody arrangement is none of your business and it’s absolutely not your place to say anything.

Your issue is solely with your work shy BIL.
He is the one living in your house with his kids. He is the one using the kids an excuse not to work.

Imagine if all the single mothers out there did that??

Having children is absolutely NOT an excuse to work one paltry shIft a week.

Speak directly to your BIL. Tell him this was not a permanent arrangement for him and his kids to take over your house. He needs to either get a legal agreement in place with regards to custody and who has them on what days so he can earn more money, or he needs to go to the council, tell them he’s homeless with children and ask for emergency accommodation.

I absolutely would not put up with this. He’s lazy

Kick them all out. The children are the responsibility of their parents, not you. Their parents need to get full-time jobs if they can’t afford life as it is.

This is so sad. It sounds like the kids mum doesnt want them. The dads not sorting a home for them and you understandably don't want them living with you full time.
Both parents need to come up with a better plan

So technically he is homeless and has not got a job. He needs to contact the housing association explaining his situation with 3 children surely they need housing. Contacting his ex won’t help at all. He needs to sort this.

Well clearly you don’t want him and his kids living with you so that’s a matter for you to sort out with your BIL. Their arrangements for custody of the children are none of your business and the idea that this is a matter to bring up with the ex-SIL rather than the BIL is ridiculous.

Your brother in law has not been “ shafted “ they’re his children!!!

Evict your BIL. This is his fault not SIL. He needs to leave, step up and be a proper father

Touch of the internalised misogyny there OP?

Women are accountable for everything men do right?
Or in this case, don't do.

You have a BIL and DH problem.

YABU to place all the blame on SIL, although the fact she only works part time and barely sees the kids is concerning. BIL needs to go down to the council and say his a single dad with no home and go through that process, so in summary YANBU to be pissed off and of had enough but YABU to not think BIL is also a problem.

I agree she shouldn't be contacting the ex sil.

Agree your BIL sounds like the problem and he needs to sort his act out.