Am I being unreasonable for wanting to tell ex sister in law that her custody agreement is ridiculous and affecting my life?

[Draadeil]

My ex sister in law and current brother in law are both knuckle heads who are driving me potty! My relationship with brother in law is extremely strained and my husband has asked me to lay off him but I feel his ex exacerbates all his issues and although I've never had a relationship with her (known for a decade but only spoke regarding pleasantrys as really had nothing more in common) I feel I need to express my concerns to her. I've asked my husband to give me her phone number so I can speak to her but he's refused.

Now for some context. They share 3 children ages 3,5 & 7 who are wild! Brother in law has been lodging with us but we are currently fully renovating our small property. Ex sister in law works part time Monday to Friday at a nursery and brother in law works one shift a week at the local hospital as a support worker. Because brother in law works the least he gets shafted with custody and has the kids sometimes up to 6 days a week! However as you can see because he has custody so much he states he can't work more hours and as a result him and his children run rampant through my home with no hope of him being able to afford to move out. They have no formal agreement but I have advised to him they get one, he shrugged off the idea. Ex sister in law will often change her plans when she is supposed to have the kids, and always has some excuse why she can't have them that day. She was supposed to have them last weekend but had a tummy bug, meanwhile brother in law had to have them when he had COVID! He won't put his foot down because he doesn't want to let his kids down, but I won't allow them to permanently live with me. I don't like children and chosen to be child free, I have no issues with them staying the weekend but they're here constantly, I may as well have adopted them. It's all absurd and I've had enough as it's massively impacting on my life, all I want is a bit of peace, quiet and alone time with my husband. Am I being unreasonable for wanting to tell her to sort it out and for forcing a more fair custody agreement?

BIL and the DC should move back in to the family home with SIL then they can sort it between themselves.

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable. Your situation is intolerable. The parents need to do their job. You chose not to have kids why should you have someone else's. Please put your foot down hard for your mental health sake. Your husband also needs to take a stand.

Yes you're unreasonable to refer to somebody having their children full time as "shafted"

You wouldn't care though if he moved out with them?

You've got a husband problem, no one else.

Tell him to leave today, he needs to go to the council and present himself as homeless with 3 kids, they'll find him emergency accommodation.

But that's not happening .......

The problem is with your BIL not working and sharing your home with his three children. Mum doesn’t sound as though she’s terribly interested either. If he’s got the children full time he should be in the family home and she should move out. I would encourage your BIL to explore that or to contact a local housing officer as they are essentially homeless. Reading between the lines it sounds like there may be some additional barriers to your BIL getting on top of life admin. A call to you local authority customer services to request an early help assessment could help get the family back on track, improve the children’s trajectory and give you your house back.

You have a voice use it. Personally I would go on strike. Let them clean cook wash etc.

I’m sure others have asked but I’ve only read the updates:

If his parents gave the money for the deposit (aka, not her house) and he’s got the children, why has he moved out? Surely the children should be living in their house? Could the parents possibly ‘nest’ - the children stay in the house permanently and whichever parent has responsibility for them stays in the house?

Couldnt your BIL just move back in with the children? Surely it’s still a shared asset/she isn’t allowed to change the locks. The children shouldn’t be sofa surfing.

I wouldn't like to have a whole family living with me unexpectedly either, but their custody arrangements are nothing to do with you. I'd have a chat with my BiL suggesting that he get a job, a custody agreement, and some childcare. "Shafted?" Really? Did neither of them actually want these kids?

I think I'd round them up in car and drive round to the family home they should be in and drop them off including the BIL.

Just because sil work 3 hours a day is absolutely no reason to leave her kids in your house away from the family home! What a weird pair of twats your in laws are!

How did you even get into this situation, he moved out of the home and moved in with his brother (your DH) his wife kept the house, but now doesn't usually have the children? So you are stuck with the brother and the kids most of the time.

Surely he and the children move back in with his ex, then they decide on what to do. They can't afford two houses so either they house share or she moves out, he gets a full time job and child care, or he moves out and gets a full time job she keeps the kids and gets child care. Either way he gets a full time job to help support his kids. Whoever has the house has the kids most of the time. It seems like they need their heads banging together, they are both useless parents and you are taking up the slack.

Normally I would agree that the custody arrangements have nothing to do with the OP, but when they are happening under her roof, then I think she should have a say.

And no, it doesn't seem that anyone wants these kids, which is very sad, but they're not the OP's kids. She decided to remain child-free.

What she does or doesn’t do is none of your business.
what your BIL is doing is your business because he’s living in your house.
Concentrate on him, and keep your beak out with her.

2 people with 3 children working as little as possible? Windup or reverse

just to say , poor kids! Their parents seem to be fighting to get less custody :-(

You are not being unreasonable

this should not be your problem it should be your BIL’s issue, I’m afraid you will have to ask him to leave if the arrangement is going to ck to he as you did not sign up for kids permanently

@BlitheSpirits I know, it sounds as if neither of them is thinking about what's best for the children.

I still can't grasp that their Mum is living alone in the family home while the children are squashed in at the OP's house 80-90% of the time. It makes no sense!

Id be asking them all to leave. Asap...

But that’s not unusual. A lot of separated parents guard their child free time fiercely

i think you’ve got the resolution all wrong.

1. it’s not your place to suggest anything with regards to custody.
2. your BIL is not being ‘shafted with custody’, and I find this interpretation of yours, absurd. They are his kids. To say that he’s shafted, suggests that they’re a burden to the parent. In fact they’re a burden to YOU. Presumably, your ex SIL is busy making enough money to look after her kids, and it’s your BIL’s choice to be available for the kids / not work.
3. It is not your place nor job, to ring your ex SIL to make adjustments to their schedule.
4. Why should your BIL change anything? It works for them, for him to work one day a week and use your home.

The real issue that you should be in control of/ have a right to assert your opinion or will over, is them living in your home. You sound very unhappy with them being in your home indefinitely, so perhaps your husband / you could help him find affordable accommodation, albeit through the council, seeing as he does not work many hours? When in that situation, maybe he will feel more of the strain and responsibility, so decide to work more hours? If he does not and wishes to be the lead parent who is available, then that’s their choice. If you want to help with food, expenses etc then that’s your choice.

It sounds very difficult to have a lodger who needs to provide a home for his 3 children. Perhaps it is slightly easier being family, but in some ways it might be worse. This isn't a tenable situation and you need to give BIL a moving out date, then help him sort out accommodation and benefits if necessary. His ex ought to be paying towards the children's expenses if he is doing most of the care.

Your biggest problem is your DH.

If he thinks you should put up with your home being free accommodation for his lazy brother and badly parented kids, then I would kick DH out, too.

Tell your BIL that he needs to sort his life out & find a home for him & his kids. Set a date for him to be gone by & say he needs to be out by then. Your DH needs to have your back as well & let his DB know he's behind you. If it's affecting your home life it'll start impacting on your relationship with your DH so you need to get this sorted sooner rather than later.

You said you own your own home? Does your husband not contribute financially? Is this situation a cocklodger his brother and kids?

As it's impacting so badly on you and you are so unhappy I don't think you would be unreasonable to kick the husband out along with his brother