Am I being unreasonable for wanting to tell ex sister in law that her custody agreement is ridiculous and affecting my life?

[Draadeil]

My ex sister in law and current brother in law are both knuckle heads who are driving me potty! My relationship with brother in law is extremely strained and my husband has asked me to lay off him but I feel his ex exacerbates all his issues and although I've never had a relationship with her (known for a decade but only spoke regarding pleasantrys as really had nothing more in common) I feel I need to express my concerns to her. I've asked my husband to give me her phone number so I can speak to her but he's refused.

Now for some context. They share 3 children ages 3,5 & 7 who are wild! Brother in law has been lodging with us but we are currently fully renovating our small property. Ex sister in law works part time Monday to Friday at a nursery and brother in law works one shift a week at the local hospital as a support worker. Because brother in law works the least he gets shafted with custody and has the kids sometimes up to 6 days a week! However as you can see because he has custody so much he states he can't work more hours and as a result him and his children run rampant through my home with no hope of him being able to afford to move out. They have no formal agreement but I have advised to him they get one, he shrugged off the idea. Ex sister in law will often change her plans when she is supposed to have the kids, and always has some excuse why she can't have them that day. She was supposed to have them last weekend but had a tummy bug, meanwhile brother in law had to have them when he had COVID! He won't put his foot down because he doesn't want to let his kids down, but I won't allow them to permanently live with me. I don't like children and chosen to be child free, I have no issues with them staying the weekend but they're here constantly, I may as well have adopted them. It's all absurd and I've had enough as it's massively impacting on my life, all I want is a bit of peace, quiet and alone time with my husband. Am I being unreasonable for wanting to tell her to sort it out and for forcing a more fair custody agreement?

Why is it the woman's problem? Your BIL needs to find somewhere to live with his children. It's not up to his ex to sort it out for him.

He needs to apply for a place of his own with the council as a single Dad. Claim CMS, claim whatever benefits he is entitled to and get out of your house. There is no point appealing to his ex, she is obviously not going to offer a solution.

Emotionally harder, yes.

But eventually having these people in your house as squatters becomes even more emotionally difficult.

Practically, it is not difficult. You give them a date, a deadly serious deadline as to what will happen, and on that date change the locks and pack up their stuff.

Being made homeless gives access to outside support. Especially if, like the OP’s kids, you have children. Living with you. Hence the imperative to get a legal agreement.

Alternatives are available. He is CHOOSING to ignore them.

Just responding to OP first post:

YABU to muscle in and try to discuss with exSIL. This is not your fight. You are not in any position to contribute to the discussion, it is none of your business.

What you can and should do is give BIL immediate written notice that he and his DC need to live elsewhere. You can and should control your own home, you cannot control other people's life decisions.

With that written notice and with you being very clear that yes they must actually leave, you will not relent, there is a good chance that the LA may be able to house BIL and his 3DC. Or it may be that he can rent a single room in a shared house for just him and the DC can live with mum with him looking after them at her place when she is at work - but whatever arrangements they go for it's a decision for BIL to come to with his ex within the boundaries of the options they have open to them. Your only input is to close off and forbid the current unworkable and unacceptable option of the children living in your home for any part of the week.

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Update having checked thread for any further info from OP - well if you DH "won't allow it" but it's your fucking home then your only option is to chuck him out too. You have the right to your own home that is your property only containing the people that you actually want to share living space with.

@CrispyCrumpets I imagine that the council will advise him to go home to the house that he jointly owns. He isn’t homeless, he’s choosing not to live there and both parents are choosing not to adequately house their poor children in the house that they own. It’s appalling tbh.

So we have a woman who works part time only, and a man who only works a single shift a week while dossing on his brother's sofa. And they have three children between them.

And we wonder why the economy is so stagnant.

You’re being totally unreasonable - he needs to move out, simples. He is a grown man and needs to take responsibility not extend his problems onto you.

Are they actually divorced?

Another of his options is to divorce, get a financial settlement, sell the house and have his share of the equity available for the deposit in a flat : rental or purchase.

Another adoption he is CHOOSING not to take in favour of cocklodging

This is my problem with both of them! They work a combined 26 Horus between them!

Update having checked thread for any further info from OP - well if you DH "won't allow it" but it's your fucking home then your only option is to chuck him out too. You have the right to your own home that is your property only containing the people that you actually want to share living space with

They're married? So it's the marital home? Why should the DH leave and not the OP?

OP said she owns her own home. If I owned the house BIL and the kids belongings would be in bin bags and the locks would be changed. If 'D'H sided with his lazy brother he could go as well.

To be honest I'd rather leave than live with BIL and his kids, not that I'd have agreed to it in the first place.

Bro goes… He’s a lazy shit who is allowing his kids to wreck your place.

Your husband is the problem. Leave him.

Then tell him to move out.
His ex isn't to blame for his laziness. And she's right to let him be the primary caregiver if she is the one working more. Though, she should arguably work more and pay some child support.

I'd move him out personally, I don't know where your husband gets off letting him stay when you are a childfree couple. A month or two, sure. But not perminantly. Your husband is the problem. Not his brother or your ex sister in law.

I know it's not the point of the thread and I'm not having a dig but am genuinely confused by the language here. My BIL's wife isn't classed isn't my SIL is she? She's my BIL's wife? Again, not a criticism but unsure if I've got this wrong.

Yes. She is your SIL.

Oh ok, I always thought my SILs were just the women married to my brothers or my husband's sisters Didn't realise it stretched an extra connection via marriage. Thanks!

Yeah the language threw me too.

Just doesn't feel right.

'My brother in law and his ex wife' maybe...
Or 'husbands brother' and 'husbands brothers ex' would have been easier to read.

Technically you are right but most people don't bother about it. My husband's BIL (married to his sister) isn't my BIL but I still refer to him like that. Saying my husband's BIL just seems a bit long winded and pointless.

YABU for wanting to take the issues up with ExSIL.

The issues between her and BIL are their issues.

You and your DH have separate issues to address with BIL about him continuing to live with you. You and your DH may have issues between you if you don't want BIL living there and he does.

But none of that is on exSIL.

I do take issue with you saying BIL is being shafted on custody. Are you saying he doesn't want his kids? Again what arrangements a couple has regarding their kids is between them and nothing to do with you. Obviously his living arrangements are currently to do with you but that is entirely in your hands and you can ask him to move out.

It's your home. Not his, he has no right to your home and is causing a rift between you and your husband. He needs to move out before it causes serious damage. Don't speak to her it's not her fault he is a flake. She isnt responsible for him and neither are you. He needs to get legal advice and say that as he is looking after the kids he is the one who needs to be in the family home as it I'd uprooting the kids. (That should shift her). Can he not be removed through the council? He will get support if he only works 1 day a week.

You are being unreasonable and downright entitled about another woman's life. Your brother in law ought to attend parenting classes and learn to parent his kids. His lack of accountability and responsibility are part of why his wife left him and it shows glaringly.

If you can't put up with them, tell your husband and have them find an alternative accommodation. As a single father who doesn't work full time let alone part-time because he refuses to organise his life, I am sure he can get accomodation help from the council once he is declared homeless which can only happen if you evict him. There are single mothers up and down the country with multiple children and no one is blaming their partners when they make mistakes or act incompetent like your bother in law is doing.

Your husband needs to step in and sort this out. It's his family.

You have a DH and BIL issue. Stop blaming his wife.

Ex sil not the issue she not living with you. You and dh need to tell bil to get his own place.