Am I being unreasonable for wanting to tell ex sister in law that her custody agreement is ridiculous and affecting my life?

[Draadeil]

My ex sister in law and current brother in law are both knuckle heads who are driving me potty! My relationship with brother in law is extremely strained and my husband has asked me to lay off him but I feel his ex exacerbates all his issues and although I've never had a relationship with her (known for a decade but only spoke regarding pleasantrys as really had nothing more in common) I feel I need to express my concerns to her. I've asked my husband to give me her phone number so I can speak to her but he's refused.

Now for some context. They share 3 children ages 3,5 & 7 who are wild! Brother in law has been lodging with us but we are currently fully renovating our small property. Ex sister in law works part time Monday to Friday at a nursery and brother in law works one shift a week at the local hospital as a support worker. Because brother in law works the least he gets shafted with custody and has the kids sometimes up to 6 days a week! However as you can see because he has custody so much he states he can't work more hours and as a result him and his children run rampant through my home with no hope of him being able to afford to move out. They have no formal agreement but I have advised to him they get one, he shrugged off the idea. Ex sister in law will often change her plans when she is supposed to have the kids, and always has some excuse why she can't have them that day. She was supposed to have them last weekend but had a tummy bug, meanwhile brother in law had to have them when he had COVID! He won't put his foot down because he doesn't want to let his kids down, but I won't allow them to permanently live with me. I don't like children and chosen to be child free, I have no issues with them staying the weekend but they're here constantly, I may as well have adopted them. It's all absurd and I've had enough as it's massively impacting on my life, all I want is a bit of peace, quiet and alone time with my husband. Am I being unreasonable for wanting to tell her to sort it out and for forcing a more fair custody agreement?

Sure it's been said but your BIL hasn't been shafted with custody, he had three kids he's parenting them, your problem is he's doing it in your home, the ex is presumably working to keep her kids fed and clothed, it's a BIL problem just tell him he needs to move out as others have said

Eh? Nothing nasty in my post just blatant facts. Pretty much the same as everyone else has said.

OP has no say in anyone elses custody arrangements, to think she does is batshit.

What she wants is space and thats an issue to deal with with her partner NOT her ex-SIL.

This. The only think you can control here is who is in your home. You can’t get involved in their custody arrangements ffs. It’s none if your business.

You can however say that your BIL needs to move out by x date. How he sorts this is his concern but if he has nowhere to live and no funds and is the primary carer for the children, the council will house him. You will have to say very clearly that you are throwing him out and he can no longer stay with you after a certain date. They will contact you and try and persuade you to keep him there for longer so you have to be steadfast in your responses.

Yes this also! Your wording around him looking atrrr his own children is very off. They are his children and he is looking after them. As he should.

I would give DH an ultimatum - he either gets his brother and kids out the house or you'll be the one leaving.

Are you doing all the 'women's work' for them all too?

Dont blame a women for the problem you have with your BIL

Why are women always blamed when a man fucks up and can’t get his shit together.

Perfect sense for him to have them more when he doesn’t work as much. But aren’t they all in school/nursery??

If I was SIL and you text me I’d tell you to fuck right off. YOU agreed to have useless BIL live with you, why on earth did you agree to have a man with primary custody of his children live with you if you don’t like children?

I bet SIL ran like the wind without looking back when she left this awful family.

There’s a strange trend of misogynist women having uncalled for digs at their SILs this week on MN. A bit odd really

He doesn't get 'shafted' with custody, they are his kids to care for.

I take it she's paying maintenance and he's claiming everything he's entitled to ??

Yep.

Had a feeling this one wouldn't return 🙄

This

Just to reply to people why I think this is to do with SIL. She works 3 hours a day, lives in their old home (purchased by my husband's parents) and doesn't pay any child support but is claiming the benefit. I think this has everything to do with her because she doesn't give him money for caring for the kids and only sees them once a week when they originally agreed to share custody. It's not fair on the kids that they don't have a place to call their own. I was under the impression that he would be staying with us temporarily originally but now after seeing his finances there's no hope he will be able to afford his own place and I simply cannot afford that burden. It has nothing to do with the fact I think she should take a priority in child rearing (those calling me mysoginisic) and everything to do with that fact she's dropped the ball completely after being a very devoting parent when they were together. Yes I'd like to kick him out but my husband won't allow it so might as well kick them all out together. I own my own home.

Your BIL needs to start a proper divorce, put the house on the market and split the equity with his exW. He can apply to the DWP / HMRC to have the child benefit come to him and he can lodge a claim with the CMS for his exW to pay her way, based on the hours they each have the kids in reality rather than on an agreement she’s not adhering to.

Once he has his half of the house proceeds he will have a deposit for a rental. He can up his hours and put the kids in childcare for some of the time. A much better solution for him and his DC (and for your sanity).

Absolutely none of that is difficult. He just needs to stop burying his head in the sand and get on with it.

@Draadeil I think your problem is with your husband. Get to the same page with him that his brother cannot live forever with you and that this arrangement is not fair for him. Pay a lawyer and offer him a free couple of consultations. It is more fair for the kids to stay in the family home with the main carer, and this is your brother in law. Anyway as you say the property was inheritance to him. It makes sense he stays there with the kids and the wife takes them on weekends and pay alimony or have them 50/50 but he stays in the family home. Anyway the lawyer will know better. Some times tough love is good , give him a timeframe he will need to leave from your home.Do not speak with sister in law, it is pointless as she is the one benefiting from this situation and you will just warn her for what is coming by talking to her.

Your brother can move back into his old home until its sold, as its a joint property.

Give him notice and if DH objects, put him on notice this is affecting your marriage.

Ah well if you own the house, kick the lot of them out, they can all fuck off.

It's not that it's nothing to do with her, it's that it's nothing to do with you. Your issue is your husband and your own relationship and whether he's going to allow you to continue hating being in your own house.

Enough. Put your foot down. Your husband needs to grow a spine and your BIL has taken the piss long enough. He needs to move out now!

Go yo the mothers workplace and tell her.

They are her kids as well. Both of them need to step up!

Thanks for the update, OP, you’ve answered a lot of people’s questions.

i don’t mean to be nasty, but your BIL’s behavior is so illogical - why on earth doesn’t he move back into the family home with the children? The children’s welfare is the priority, he jointly owns the house and is the children’s primary caregiver. They need a stable home.

Unless there’s another reason why he can’t be in the family home with the children (like domestic violence), surely he realizes that his wife can’t force him and the children to leave. In fact, a court would take a very dim view of her living there alone while her children are lodging in a relative’s home with their father 80-90% of the time.

Could you say to your DH that as the current situation is unsustainable, he (and you if your BIL agrees) need to sit down and come up with a plan to get the children back into their home with their primary caregiver. He could also speak to CAB about getting the child benefit paid to him instead.

Perhaps he’s shell-shocked by the relationship breakdown and isn’t thinking logically -that's where your DH can help him with practical advice.

Not her problem!

Evict him. If he's main carer for the kids he will get housed, after horrible time in temporary accommodation true but sounds like that's not too far off his living situation now.

It's not your place to get in their arrangements but your house is your place you have the right to control that

@OneBlackHeart Although it doesn’t sound as if they actually need accommodation as he jointly owns the family home- he can just move back in and continue taking care of the children there.

It’s so weird that he’s not insisting that the children move back home, his wife shouldn’t be living there alone while they’re crammed into the OP’s house most of the time!