Am I being unreasonable for wanting to tell ex sister in law that her custody agreement is ridiculous and affecting my life?

[Draadeil]

My ex sister in law and current brother in law are both knuckle heads who are driving me potty! My relationship with brother in law is extremely strained and my husband has asked me to lay off him but I feel his ex exacerbates all his issues and although I've never had a relationship with her (known for a decade but only spoke regarding pleasantrys as really had nothing more in common) I feel I need to express my concerns to her. I've asked my husband to give me her phone number so I can speak to her but he's refused.

Now for some context. They share 3 children ages 3,5 & 7 who are wild! Brother in law has been lodging with us but we are currently fully renovating our small property. Ex sister in law works part time Monday to Friday at a nursery and brother in law works one shift a week at the local hospital as a support worker. Because brother in law works the least he gets shafted with custody and has the kids sometimes up to 6 days a week! However as you can see because he has custody so much he states he can't work more hours and as a result him and his children run rampant through my home with no hope of him being able to afford to move out. They have no formal agreement but I have advised to him they get one, he shrugged off the idea. Ex sister in law will often change her plans when she is supposed to have the kids, and always has some excuse why she can't have them that day. She was supposed to have them last weekend but had a tummy bug, meanwhile brother in law had to have them when he had COVID! He won't put his foot down because he doesn't want to let his kids down, but I won't allow them to permanently live with me. I don't like children and chosen to be child free, I have no issues with them staying the weekend but they're here constantly, I may as well have adopted them. It's all absurd and I've had enough as it's massively impacting on my life, all I want is a bit of peace, quiet and alone time with my husband. Am I being unreasonable for wanting to tell her to sort it out and for forcing a more fair custody agreement?

Your issue is not with SIL. You're being taken for a ride by DH and BIL. You need to tell them that it has to stop.

Give him til after the new year to rehouse himself and his feral dc... Or rehouse yourself and leave your sap of a dh to it...

he gets shafted with custody and has the kids sometimes up to 6 days a week!

Gosh. How dreaful. He sees his children nearly every day. It's hardly being 'shafted' is it? Would you have written that if he was the mum?

Assuming he isn't unwell in some way and that he is able-bodied, he is able to work. So tell him. Moreover, if he has the kids the majority of the time, it's time to formalise arrangements and claim benefits accordingly - this will help him move out to his own home.

You won't solve this by being pissed off with his ex. He needs to solve the issue himself.

You have a BIL problem and a DH problem!! Tell him to find his own place to home him and his children.

This is not a SIL problem so I don't see why you think having a go at her will make a difference. Give BIL notice, you are not unreasonable that this situation is not sustainable but you are misplacing your anger.

SIL isn’t the problem here. Your h and BIL are.

Your post is written very unfairly. The kids aren’t badly behaved because dad has custody 6 days a week- their behaviour is poor because their dad is crap and doesn’t parent properly.

The idea that dad can’t work more is also bullshit. Plenty of split parents work full time. Your brother doesn’t want to work more and sort out childcare in the same way that he does t want to sort out a fixed routine with his ex. It’s laziness enabled by your h who is also at fault for imposing this situation on you. It’s not SIL’s fault- a SAHP should do more childcare and parenting.

How is she managing to house herself on part time hours? Is she claiming all the universal credit child elements, child benefit and housing benefit by lying and saying that she has the children the majority of the time? Because if that's the case, your bil probably could move out without upping his hours. He would get childcare paid for by universal credit, housing benefit and extra money for himself and the children and not lose his one shift a week wages. He'd also get housed by the council l, albeit temporary accomodation, if you wrote a letter saying they have to be out by X day.

Why is this man who has 3 children to support only working one day per week?
He's not being shafted , his ex wife is working to support her children whilst their father is a layabout.

Because brother in law works the least he gets shafted with custody and has the kids sometimes up to 6 days a week!

'Shafted' with custody of his own kids?

However as you can see because he has custody so much he states he can't work more hours and as a result him and his children run rampant through my home with no hope of him being able to afford to move out.

No, his kids run rampant through your home as a result of him not parenting them.

Your ex SIL does NOT need to dance to your tune, due to your choice of lodger.

Kick him out if you don't want him living with you, but keep your nose out of your ex SIL's business.

Both parents are being unreasonable in my opinion. Is your ex SIL living in the family home? Surely the children need to be in a proper home most of the time, instead of with you - perhaps your BIL needs to move back into the family home so that the children have space and stability, and she can find a smaller place to have them for weekends?

As PP's have said, they need to get their parenting acts together. This is their mess, not yours nor your DH's.

I picked up on that as well.

What a dreadful thing to say.

But yeah, the custody arrangements are nothing to do with you OP. Just tell the BIL he needs to move out.

The only thing you can do on your end is set a ground rule of no kids at the house during the week. Let the chips fall where they may.

Brother in law has been lodging with us this is the problem

They all need to get-out of your house. Speak to your DH.

None of this is your business.

The only business you have is to be very clear how many days a week you are prepared to host the children in your home.

Everything after that is for BIL to sort out.

He makes an agreement with ex. He arranges his life to be able to undertake his share of responsibility for his kids. He sorts out whether he works or not.

I he can't make an arrangement with her, he will have to get a job, work to pay rent in his own home, and his share of childcare like every other parent does.

Just tell him he can have his kids in your home as many days a week as you are prepared for. Which my be none. And stick to it. And that's the end of your involvement.

It's his problem not yours, and not your place to start phoning the ex.

Evict him from your house if youre not happy with what him living there means.
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No other part of it is any of your business.

Also - "getting shafted with custody"? Fucking hell. I don't even know what to start with that gem.

This. If he has the right to live in the family home (and if he's married he will have) then he should move back there. The council won't take on any responsibility for him if he has a home he has a legal right to.
https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/council_help_relationship_breakdown

I'd be giving BIL a month to find somewhere else and telling him that during that time if the kids come they either behave or they all leave. No way would I accept children running wild in my home and their father not doing anything about it.

No.

Do t make this the mums fault and responsibility.

Their father is equally responsible and could get a court ordered arrangement just the same.

The issue is that their dad hasn't found somewhere suitable for him and them to live nor has he applied for the UC he could get to help him financially to be a FT single dad.

YANBU to be unhappy with the situation in your home.

But YABU to be focused on the mother or try to stick your beak in their relationship. Especially with this not being your sibling - your DH is absolutely correct. And frankly you’re delusional if you think calling and laying into this woman you barely know is going to do any good.

You need to deal with your frustration by telling your DH that the arrangement isn’t working for you and needs an end date. He has children and needs to figure out a suitable living situation for them; most likely that will mean a change in work and subsequent shift in custody schedule, but that’s up to these two adult parents to sort our for their children.

You're not going to force shit OP. All you can do is decide how much time you'll allow BIL and his DC to spend in your house.

YANBU to fed up of having other people's kids in your home and wanting your BIL to move out.

YABU with the rest of it. You are suggesting he is shafted with childcare because he is the man and the woman should pick up the slack, so he can just have them at weekends. They both sound hard work, but I don't see how you ringing your SIL is going to help.

I voted YABU because it's your Dh and BiL who are the problem not his ex.
Also for saying that him parenting his own children is him being shafted. That's an awful thing to say.

YANBU for being sick of it and wanting them out of your house.

A court order won’t make her have them. It will only require him to make them available for contact.

BIL needs to sort out a home of his own. YANBU about that, especially when you chose to be child-free and if the kids really are feral.

YABVU to demand SIL's phone number to blame the situation on her. It's good that your DH obviously realises what's likely to happen if he gives it to you.

And shafted... just no words.