Am I being unreasonable for wanting to tell ex sister in law that her custody agreement is ridiculous and affecting my life?

[Draadeil]

My ex sister in law and current brother in law are both knuckle heads who are driving me potty! My relationship with brother in law is extremely strained and my husband has asked me to lay off him but I feel his ex exacerbates all his issues and although I've never had a relationship with her (known for a decade but only spoke regarding pleasantrys as really had nothing more in common) I feel I need to express my concerns to her. I've asked my husband to give me her phone number so I can speak to her but he's refused.

Now for some context. They share 3 children ages 3,5 & 7 who are wild! Brother in law has been lodging with us but we are currently fully renovating our small property. Ex sister in law works part time Monday to Friday at a nursery and brother in law works one shift a week at the local hospital as a support worker. Because brother in law works the least he gets shafted with custody and has the kids sometimes up to 6 days a week! However as you can see because he has custody so much he states he can't work more hours and as a result him and his children run rampant through my home with no hope of him being able to afford to move out. They have no formal agreement but I have advised to him they get one, he shrugged off the idea. Ex sister in law will often change her plans when she is supposed to have the kids, and always has some excuse why she can't have them that day. She was supposed to have them last weekend but had a tummy bug, meanwhile brother in law had to have them when he had COVID! He won't put his foot down because he doesn't want to let his kids down, but I won't allow them to permanently live with me. I don't like children and chosen to be child free, I have no issues with them staying the weekend but they're here constantly, I may as well have adopted them. It's all absurd and I've had enough as it's massively impacting on my life, all I want is a bit of peace, quiet and alone time with my husband. Am I being unreasonable for wanting to tell her to sort it out and for forcing a more fair custody agreement?

You have a BIL problem not a SIL problem.

Kick his cock lodging arse out.

You need to give him adequate notice and tell him he must leave. I'm presuming you knew he had the kids sometimes when you agreed for him to move in, but they've just gradually become a full time concern? He really should have asked your consent to move them into the house.
The custody side is not your business. You can't force his ex to take the kids because your bil refuses to work enough hours or source and pay for his own modest flat.
His ex is not the problem. His living arrangements are. You'd be perfectly reasonable to explain calmly why and say goodbye to him.

Yanbu wanting him gone, but it’s not your sil’s fault he has evidently decided to be a SAHP in your house! Tell him he has to go.

Because brother in law works the least he gets shafted with custody and has the kids sometimes up to 6 days a week!

He hasn’t been shafted…. They are his children! You’re very keen to blame ex sil but the only person you have any right to speak to is your BIL and that’s only because he’s lodging at yours. Why can’t he work more than 1 day? Plenty of parents work more than 1 day. How does he manage on a wage of 1 day a week? Is he planning on being with you long term? Why isn’t he getting more hours so he can provide a home for his children then THEY can sort out child arrangements

YANBU to want your own space but YABU to blame their custody agreement and SIL. BIL needs to get a job with more hours and his own place and then once that's underway adjust arrangements so they share custody 50/50.

The custody arrangement is none of your business. As is you SIL working schedule and you BIL get 'shafted'. He not - she is working more hours than him. He if fully aware he can formalise things and get more work but I'm guessing chooses not to because for whatever reason his income is coming from elsewhere. Sigh...

Your issue is a lodger your incompatible with.so get rid of the lodger. Super simple.

Throw him out. He'll have to get temporary accommodation or sponge off someone else. He and his kids are not your problem and they are taking the piss.

I imagine it's much easier to blame your ex SIL than look much closer to home for who is truly responsible for causing so much disruption for you. You can't control what this woman does with her life so you're absolutely not going to resolve this if you don't deal with the real issue here. Living with your BIL is clearly not working for you, so that is what you need to try and sort. Best of luck OP.

AFAIAC, you deal with the person you have the agreement with.

YOU and DH agreed to let him live with you. However you are impacted is a direct result of this.

BIL has made the agreement with his ex, so it is down to him to speak with her. It is also down to him to make things better for you considering he is hugely benefitting from your deal.

SIL made absolutely no deal with you at all. She is not your concern.

You have fuck all say in their family an life and need to stay in your lane.

Is the house yours, joint or your partners?

I get not wanting 4 extra people constantly in your space but that issue depends on the house arrangement. If you are cocklodging living in your partners house you just need to suck it up or move out. If you and your partner are joint owners then its an issue you need to have out with your partner. If its your house then just kick him out.

The issue is about your space feeling invaded, its NOTHING to do with his custody arrangements which is only his and his ex business.

They are entitled to 15 free nursery hours a week.

If BIL got his own flat and main residency of his children he would have the Child Benefit, and Universal Credit.

He could get a court ordered agreement about days and times, and holidays.

He could get a full time job and rely on his ex, free nursery hours and paid nursery hours for childcare.

He could do all sorts but he doesn't, he just lives as your lodger (does he pay rent? Pay for his and children's food?) and leaves it all up to you. He doesn't even parent his kids to stop them running wild in your house.

Lay down the law about what YOU will put up with, stick to it, and leave the rest for him to sort out. And tell your DH that unless he backs you he is a major part of the problem. And you didn't marry him or buy your house to renovate to live like this.

Personally I would chuck him out. 3 adults and 3 children in a small house being renovated is ridiculous.

What would happen if you kicked BiL out?

You need to sort him out first then he and the ex could sort out custody arrangements. At the moment you @Draadeil are facilitating him being at your house hence the children are there.

Tough love required

Your BIL has effectively chosen to be a SAHD rather than provide for his DC and this works for both him and his ex and is absolutely none of your business. Your BIL and his DC come as a package, so you accept that or ask him to leave. You cannot ask him to abandon his DC in order to continue to enable you to play mummy to your BIL, that is totally unreasonable. Why, as a woman do you have such sexist views that your BIL should be free of life's responsibilities?

You're not being unreasonable in how you feel but YABU in wanting to speak to the SIL about it. It's the BIL and your husband that are the issues.
BIL is the primary carer so if they had a family home, he and the kids should be living in it. He should be claiming universal credits and child benefit for them and receiving child maintenance from the mother.
Your DH needs to understand how you feel and ideally, support you and tell his brother he needs to sort all this and give him a date to leave.

In a few years time? Are you suggesting OP puts up with this for a few years rather than BIL finding somewhere to live and parent his own children?

As someone else who has chosen to be childfree I completely understand why OP doesn't want children running wild 6 days a week in her home!

Your brother is the problem, why are you doing his child care. She's working full time!

what they do is theyre business.
what you allow will continue.
bil the issue.is not only bite hand that feeds him,but accomodate everyone else with no regard for you.
surely feral kids nd ott custody must haave been a constant.if he cant afford buy time for social housing?surely given amount of care of kids time that gony be regular is sensible option?

Not many people would want three young children lodging with them.

Youve essentially got two choices:

kick BIL out and drop him off at the local council offices (he’ll be housed at a hostel/emergency accommodation).

Support him with the children for him to become independent aka childcare whilst he works. If he’s in your home and the kids are running amok you could ‘babysit’ them whilst he works.

Or, you tell your DH you’ve had enough and he either has to pay for other accommodation for BIL or yourself.

But you’re not unreasonable for being at the end of your tether.

The custody arrangements are not your business- them being in your house absolutely is. He needs to move out. It's sounds like they are both quite chaotic and neither particularly responsible but as long as the kids needs are being met that's also not your business. By all means though give a timeframe by which he needs to leave.

Why did you allow him and his kids in knowing what they're like?

Your thread should be, “How do I set boundaries with my DH…? .
OR

“How do I go about leaving my DH?”
Your BIL’s custody situation isn’t the issue, the fact that he’s in your house is. Your DH should be dealing with this, if he isn’t, you should be dealing with your DH.

Sounds like it's just not working for you. Time to tell BIL to find alternative living arrangements

What a nasty post. As the situation is taking place in the OP’s home, it has very much become her business.

Yabu sorry, it sounds like your bil is the main parent and his ex is the breadwinner? Completely natural that he'd have the kids most of the week.

I wonder what you mean by part time - does she do like 3 hours a day? If she's working the full school day then that's full time.

He needs to find his own place. Why does he live with you?

The kids misbehaving is the fault of both of the parents but as the main caregiver, he should be sorting it.

You don't need to be telling her anything, you should discuss with your husband your living arrangements and he should help his brother find a more permanent solution for the children he is the main caregiver for

@pinkyredrose My guess is that her DH told her that his brother’s become homeless after his relationship breakdown and said that we can’t let him sleep on the streets, can we? The OP probably thought that was reasonable and agreed to have him as a lodger.

But it wasn’t made clear that he’d also have 80-90% custody of the children who’d run rampant in the house!

I could be totally wrong, but I suspect that’s what happened.