For wanting to hang out with my good friend without her baby all the time?

[Railous]

Don’t get me wrong her baby is very cute. I understand having to bring a newborn or a baby that is very small and still breastfeeding. But her baby is soon 1 year old and takes bottle. I understand she is very proud of her mini self and wants to show her off. But it also becomes distracting when we meet, baby is more awake and craves more attention, and conversations being interupted by a baby is not my cup of tea. Also not sitting in a restaurant having a baby that gets fussy and feel like i have to help out with baby, its like i become a co parent with her.

Not fun at all. Espacially since her partner is at home gaming or whatever while she brings baby. I understand that she can’t hang out as much as before and i understand that. But kinda sad when i see her off all sudden posting out with her partner and another couple and they at a restaurant without baby. I just miss my friend and our conversations. Also when baby is around it all becomes centred around looking and talking about baby. I don’t want to come out as rude i just wish one time to get some alone time with her like good old days.

I have a friend who referred to her own child as her mini-me, even on Facebook.

I can imagine the frustration as I'm pretty sure I was like this as well, but now my little one is nearly one I admit I'm guilty of doing this too, does your friend work? As she may feel like she doesn't get much quality time with her child and wants to bring them along to do things with her. I love carting mine around to everything I'm doing and would feel like I was missing a limb if he wasn't there! 1 year old is still very small and she may just be struggling with attachment, could you arrange to go to her house perhaps whilst the little one is having a nap so you can have a chat without any distractions? Failing that I think you just need to try and get on board with a new type of friendship until the child is a bit older and accept that her priorities have massively changed. It won't be like that forever and it would be a shame to lose a friendship because she wanted to involve her child "too much", as such

This sounds hard - and a sensitive subject as a lot of the responses here show! I'm childless and very grateful that my friends who are mums try to meet up both with and without their children. Eg- coffee in the morning may be with baby, a lunch or early drinks may be without and their partner looks after the baby. I think their children are lovely and enjoy seeing them, but am really glad can also have child free meets where we can have more focused conversation etc.
I'm glad most of my friends partners are very capable dads who encourage them to have social lives and are fine looking after their own children.
I have a few friends who weren't comfortable doing this when their children were young which is fine and understandable- but I'm very glad that most of my friends really valued the occasional child-free meet up with friends as part of maintaining their identity outside of motherhood (their words not mine!).

@Edingril yea fr. i have another friend with a kid that looovees adult time. She is a single mom aswell, but she says she can’t really enjoy herself if her baby and now kid was in every hangout. No point in hanging out if mom was 99% focused on baby

@TumultuousTuesday its not easy i know😅. I think its nice to see in comments that some people with babies and kids still are themselfs. And enjoy some adult time. Tought i was gonna get my head ripped of or something lol. But for some moms it seems like this is an offense to their kids. That you dont love their kids or wanna hang out with their kids, and its true because i don’t love them i tolerate them because
they mean the world to my friends. But.. adult time is important to. I think i start out with cinmea, im not a drinker myself

To be honest I would struggle to maintain a close friendship with someone who always prioritised having a bath over seeing me alone for dinner. I also think you should be able to do both. I probably see a friend without kids for an evening or afternoon per fortnight. It isnt loads and DH probably does more as he has lots of work social events! I also have lots of mum meet ups with kids but it really isn't the same. I think you have to think about friendships being a long term investment. As you say maybe OP's friend isn't as keen on socialising with her as she is but then doesn't that mean the friendship probably won't ever be as close. Which is fine but obviously sad as long lasting friendships are so valuable as we go through life.

This is of course different if you are still breastfeeding or you have to be there for bedtimes. I am due number two so I'll be back in that phase soon. I'm glad I managed to do lots of things with my friends in the few years between this though. Most of them don't have children yet I hope I'm setting a good model for if they do.

And would you say the same to a man who was sick of his mate bringing his baby along to every meet up? Honestly?

There are some real oddballs who hang around parenting websites insulting children and mothers.

Who has insulted children or mothers?

And are you including in that description the various parents who commented supporting OP and expressed a similar sentiment about not wanting to always have their /other people’s babies and children around at social event?

Yeah and just to add it’s a very common phrase I’ve heard lot of parents - usually mothers - use both on social media and irl to describe their child.

How would you describe this comment?

'They are annoying brats and should stay at home so you can have lunch in peace. Absolutely inconsiderate taking a baby out. They just whine, cry and are a general nuisance.'

How would you describe pp calling new mothers 'baby bores', or 'selfish and sexist', for being with their babies who are not even yet 1 years old?

I include in that description anyone who talks/thinks like that, but particularly those who come to a parenting website to express it.

It's not being jealous for goodness sake!

It's wanting an uninterrupted time with a good friend

Perfectly normal

How old is your baby?

And what do your friends actually think?

Then she goes out with other mum friends and all the children.

I like babies and toddlers but when mine were small I went out with them and other mums and babies

Childless people I saw on my own

Then surely nor were you?

Enough with the jealousy!

More likely to be boredom and frustration!

So waste of time then

And I disagree with your last sentence

They sometimes need to learn to wait for a moment

How would you describe pp calling new mothers 'baby bores', or 'selfish and sexist', for being with their babies who are not even yet 1 years old?

Nobody called all new mothers baby bores - they were specifically talking about the ones who won’t talk about anything else, will turn all conversations back to their baby, act like their baby is the centre of everyone else’s world etc. That’s being a bore about your baby (just as someone going on and on about work would be a work bore).

Similarly, nobody called all new mothers selfish and sexist for being with their babies. They were referring to the ones who won’t talk about anything else, won’t compromise at all for their friends, expect everything to be about their baby. That is selfish behaviour.

The comment about sexism wasn’t about new mothers - it was about the fact that only women are guilt-tripped for not having only positive feelings about the presence of a baby. Men aren’t expected to do this. It’s a sexist expectation.

I’ve seen you on a number of threads trying to argue that MN is now a hotbed of child- and mum-hating but other than one person calling babies brats, I don’t think it’s made out here. Unless you’re saying that you must never use a negative word or have a negative feeling in relation to a new mum, in which case I think that you have very different expectations of MN than the average poster.

I suppose I'm lucky that my oldest friends are either parents themselves or happy to wait out the infant years with sporadic meet-ups with my DC in tow. I was never one for going out for dinner with a friend prior to DC either though, so it probably depends on your friendship circles. Mine all revolved around sport, work or couple friends.

I do have a friend that tags along on a run with me once a week, so I guess you could count that as socialising without DC. The whole point of my post is that different people have different priorities when they are in the early child-rearing years. I've run a half marathon since having my youngest and some mums would say that running isn't something that they can fit in - because it isn't their priority.

If a friendship is strong, then it is usually capable of riding through a couple of marginally negligent years without any problems.

My youngest is 13MO and I still BF and put them to sleep but I don't need to really. I just don't want to go out to dinner after a day with a 4YO and 1YO.

We're going to have to agree to disagree...

@fitzwilliamdarcy

Exactly! We all know that all parents aren’t like this and childfree or other moms friends appreciate it so much that their friends can go out for som adult time! I know others (not so close friends) have husbands that helps rather say, steps up and love hanging and staying home with their baby or kid while mom goes out to meet friends. It should’t only be the mom who stays home while their man goes out without baby. And i agree, just because we are women we are supposed to cherish and love being around babies everytime! Nope! Its stressful if im honest.. baby crying and fuzzy and throwing toys, tryna reach to my plate. Having or asked to hold baby so mum can eat after im finishid.. not so fun. And i feel all tired out after hanging with her and baby, that i rather spend time with other people

It might be easier to meet your friend at her home when her DH is out. All the equipment is there and the place is safe.

@Nanny0gg fr i don’t understand the «jealousy» thing. It just so boring having a hang out and every hangout be about baby

Now she's had a baby your lives are on different paths and of course her priority will be her baby, not you. However now the baby is older she could leave DC with her DP for a couple of hours whilst you meet up. What does she say if you ask her if she could do that?

You are unreasonable for calling it 'baby' instead of 'the baby'.

@SoNiceToComeHomeTo thing is that it become easier all about the baby then, watching the baby, talking about the baby. Its just very boring to visit while her Partner gets alone time

I hear you!
I knew someone who crossed friends out of his address book when they had children. If you are finding this stage really unsatisfying, you might want to take a break for a year or so; just keep in touch occasionally and wait until she's ready to focus on something other than the child. Then suggest an evening out. She might jump at it.