For wanting to hang out with my good friend without her baby all the time?

[Railous]

Don’t get me wrong her baby is very cute. I understand having to bring a newborn or a baby that is very small and still breastfeeding. But her baby is soon 1 year old and takes bottle. I understand she is very proud of her mini self and wants to show her off. But it also becomes distracting when we meet, baby is more awake and craves more attention, and conversations being interupted by a baby is not my cup of tea. Also not sitting in a restaurant having a baby that gets fussy and feel like i have to help out with baby, its like i become a co parent with her.

Not fun at all. Espacially since her partner is at home gaming or whatever while she brings baby. I understand that she can’t hang out as much as before and i understand that. But kinda sad when i see her off all sudden posting out with her partner and another couple and they at a restaurant without baby. I just miss my friend and our conversations. Also when baby is around it all becomes centred around looking and talking about baby. I don’t want to come out as rude i just wish one time to get some alone time with her like good old days.

@remaininghopeful23 i don’t mean they are a bad friend unless they always priotize others but never me. I try to be a good and understanding friend. But meeting over idk 15-20 times with baby on tow it becomes boring and tiring after a while. Everything do becomes about talking and entertaining the baby instead of some nice adult time. And making me spend more and more time with others. Like said im not good with babies and cant relate

Imagine being jealous of a baby.

What a bizarre leap.

YANBU at all @Railous .
I think you need to just be clear, and say to your friend "Do you fancy going to X one night? Leave {baby's name} with partner and make it a girls' night".

Don't see anything wrong with not wanting a baby constantly around. I had 3 kids and never wanted to meet up with someone else kids . Especially if I didn't have my own with me.

Strangely I still have friends I've had since my teens and I'm now in my 50s. Probably would've driven then away if I'd inflicted my kids on them constantly through the years

But it's also,ok and not jealousy or bitterness or anything else to,not want that in our lives and friendships. I personally have a very demanding job that sucks the life out of me some days. I don't want to spend my precious and rate time off dealing with other peoples kids.

Gosh! I didn’t want my own baby at meet ups. Of course sometimes you just can’t help it if you struggle for childcare but it seems not the case there.
I would offer her something specifically not compatible with babies - dinner or drinks somewhere or evening cinema. And ask her openly: Would John be able to stay with little Ellie?
If she won’t get this clue come back to us for further advice.

I get it OP

OP I understand you fully! I have kids and a baby. I see my mum friends at playgroups and soft plays cafes who have babies themselves. Then if I’m meeting a friend for dinner etc I absolutely leave the kids at home. I can’t concentrate, they get bored , loud , baby cries etc it’s just not fun and it’s stressful. You’d be best seeing her in her house if the baby is there.

DH cousin got married. They politely invited our kids and his sisters family and her kids. We didn’t bring ours- we couldn’t fully enjoy their day, It would have felt a waste of their money if we were parenting all day. However his sister bought hers - young kid and 2 babies and they were absorbed all day with the kids- didn’t enjoy the day and it was such a waste and the disruption they caused wasn’t fair! Sometimes it’s fine to have child free time.

I’ve decided you don’t really know people until they have kids. Then there previous self has gone and this is a new version you have to decide if you’d be friends type thing.

@TheJones omg that sounds awful! Especially when u didnt bring your own kids and have to deal with someone elses kids🥲
i do see that some parents do become way more obsessed than others and its impossible to meet them without babies or kids in tow. Its draining and i often feel tired out after hanging with her and the baby and its not even my baby.

I get it, and it's not unreasonable of you to want to talk properly and about something other than the baby! And I say that as a new mum who's obsessed. I hardly expect my friends to be as fascinated. even if they really love kids. And I miss my friends, normal uninterrupted conversation, and just being able to go out for an hour without major planning and taking half of the house with me... so I'm surprised your friend wouldn't choose to leave the baby with her partner sometimes. Unless he's a complete eejit.and can't be trusted.

Yeah it was horrendous! And I found selfish- they wanted to show them off maybe but at the expense of the bride and groom! We carried on having a great time and we were not babysitting - I love my kids more than the world- but I know they are mine and some situations are inappropriate!

My best friends from home don’t have kids yet - we meet up for weekends and I always leave the kids at home. They are so lovely and say we want to see your kids…. Anyway one weekend they came up to mine for the weekend and the kids popped in (DH goes and stays at his parents with them if my friends come up so the house so free) - I then stepped back into mom mode and said this is why I don’t meet with my kids 😂 as when I’m with my kids I give them all my attention and everything type thing. I’m distracted and a different person!

Also gosh some people just bang on and talk about their kids non stop 😂 I find it ughhhh . My mum friends are fab- we all have kids, go out without them socialising and not once do we chat about them. I know we all love them dearly but we’re not just mums!

@Railous be grateful for your friendship. It can be really hard to leave the baby at home with the other parent. You are lucky that you still get to see her. I know it's not perfect by your standards but it could be much worse

I'm way older than you and my friends are past the baby stage. Loads have grandkids but no way would I meet for coffee with them!

But yeah, I hear you. How boring.

Changes the whole dynamic. Shame she has such a lazy husband or maybe she doesn't want to be apart from baby.

Who knows? Annoying though.

I feel the same if friends bring their dogs. Fuck off finding a dog friendly cafe, just don't bring them! I don't take mine.

Maybe she likes bringing baby along and can't imagine why the child is in the way to you. It's only meeting in a cafe by the sound of it, not a nightclub?

@TwentyBillion yea same both kids/babies and dog please leave them at home🤣
dont want to deal with em. Because some parents expects friends to oo gogaga and entertain their babies, when they bring them along, like im not good with babies and not a fan of holding them. My friend making comments like «awwhhj you didn’t get to hold her today!;(« like why is it that important.

It's hard to be without your small children. I tend to take time away from my kids for my hobby, and for a rare night out. If it's coffee or lunch, my kids are there.

And yes, my child-free friends probably spend a lot if time in my house doing colour by numbers and talking about lego. More than they planned. But they haven't dropped me yet.

I have one great friend who really isn't into kids. We see a lot less of each other, but I know she's still there. We went hiking last year without my kids, which was nice, but it's very hard to commit to child free time with everyone.

My sister can be similar with liking non-baby get-togethers! I make an effort to see her outside of DC. Sometimes I would prefer time by myself (because it’s rare) but I prioritise her and make an effort to catch up. I appreciate her life is not all nappies and sleep schedules and while I am a mum, I am also a woman with other interests and still want to hear about latest everything (even though I am so out of the loop!).

YANBU and I’m confused by the accusations of jealousy made against you! Even many parents don’t want their friends baby or even their own baby interrupting coffee catch ups!

If your friend was someone who took her baby to all social events I’d more easily accept it, but she’s happy to leave the baby with others when she meets certain people so it doesn’t make sense.

Either she thinks you really want to see the baby or she doesn’t prioritise her time with you as much as others so doesn’t bother arranging childcare when she’s meeting you.

I had a friend a bit like this, she had 3 kids and I never seen her without the kids until the youngest was at school. The difference is AFAIK her kids were with her when she met other friends as well so I didn’t take it personally. It was mainly because she had a lazy sexist partner who despite not working at the time decided “a mother should be with her children at all times”.

I was really tolerant of it all but tbh if I was to be faced with the same situation now I’d push back and tell the friend to stand up to her male partner because he was absolutely outrageous. Especially considering her middle child was a lot of work when she was younger. Her behaviour was very difficult to manage in public spaces.

Perhaps suggest somewhere where you can’t bring the baby like a spa or something?

I would assume that your friend doesn't want to use her child-free time for meeting up with you. Time without an infant is precious, so you have to really think about how you use that time. So, your friend might have thought 'if I take baby to my meet-up and give DP some time off then I can go to the gym/have a long bath/grab a coffee in a cafe alone at another time on the weekend'.

I could be totally wrong. I'm just thinking about it from my perspective. I'd always rather use my free time for some peace and alone time or time with my DH. I socialise a lot with my DC though because I do still want to see my friends.

@Notanothaone no i don’t get the jealousy thing either🤣
i know more people than me and including other parents would love some adult time, to catch up, jokes and ect. It dosn’t even seems to be fun for the parent themself when they bring the baby with them, and baby starts being fuzzy and needy. Even myself i get stressed out when baby starts getting fuzzy, its like a vibe going around. You can’t really enjoy the time togheter.

I get that you might not find the baby fascinating. But are you proposing you pay for and facilitate childcare on her behalf so she can see you alone?
Otherwise I don't really know what you want her to do. It's her child. Her fella is clearly bone idle, and maybe you can have a view on that. Which again might not be helpful, despite how true it may seem to you.
She's got a kid. If you don't like it then stop hanging out with her. The child is her priority and rightly so.

Do your friend a favour OP and stop asking to meet up if you don't want her and her child there.

Just set her free.

Then do your friend a favour and find other friends.

Hmmm this is pretty poor though. Why is her child free friend not sometimes worth her child free time? Why is her child free time so strictly rationed anyway? It sounds like her DH is a bit shit.

Once I wasn't regularly breastfeeding in the day I've happily left DC to hang out with my child free friends. Not every time as it's nice for them to know my child but at least every other time I see them. I value my friendships and my identity as an adult!

OP just invite her out to dinner or a spa or something.

It's not jealousy! I have a friend like this too - in a group of 5 women who all have similar aged babies, she's the only one who can't leave her 18 month old with her DH for even a few hours. Worse she now won't go anywhere without her DH too! My other friends have a great system where they alternate time alone with friends with their partner, while baby stays at home with other parent. For my friend I think her DH is a bit useless with baby. Even when he was on pat leave for 6 months and my friend was at work full time, she had to do all the baths, and feeding and had a full time nanny to help - and he still complained how tired he was...Also I don't think she's comfortable being alone outside with baby either, so he comes along to everything and girl only events, she doesn't come at all.

Knowing this I don't expect alone time with her anymore. But she's still my friend and seeing her is better than not seeing her so I suck it up. The friendship has just changed and I don't see her as much but hoping when baby goes to school, my friend will be comfortable leaving her..Im the last friend in group to have a baby but am pregnant now. It will be a shock to her as I was the only one previously flexible enough to work around her schedule/DH . Obv that will change with my own baby so I do wonder if that will incentivise her to become less codependent with DH.

Invite your friend for a good adult day out, but also invite the little one out and have a day with them. Mums love friends who they can have their kids with and talk about, then they will go out without them. But you have to do both x