For wanting to hang out with my good friend without her baby all the time?

[Railous]

Don’t get me wrong her baby is very cute. I understand having to bring a newborn or a baby that is very small and still breastfeeding. But her baby is soon 1 year old and takes bottle. I understand she is very proud of her mini self and wants to show her off. But it also becomes distracting when we meet, baby is more awake and craves more attention, and conversations being interupted by a baby is not my cup of tea. Also not sitting in a restaurant having a baby that gets fussy and feel like i have to help out with baby, its like i become a co parent with her.

Not fun at all. Espacially since her partner is at home gaming or whatever while she brings baby. I understand that she can’t hang out as much as before and i understand that. But kinda sad when i see her off all sudden posting out with her partner and another couple and they at a restaurant without baby. I just miss my friend and our conversations. Also when baby is around it all becomes centred around looking and talking about baby. I don’t want to come out as rude i just wish one time to get some alone time with her like good old days.

Could you invite her somewhere very specific - a spa or night out - and say directly how it would be nice to have some time just the two of you?

Imagine being jealous of a baby. Her life has changed beyond recognition and it may be you need to adapt a little. And co parenting? That's a bit of a stretch, holding the baby while she nips to the loo or eats a sandwich is not the same thing

As PP said you may have to pick an adult only venue or try ask her once in a while to have adult only time.
i don’t think it’s unreasonable to want some one in one with her sometimes. And I don’t see it as jealousy- it is frustrating trying to have a conversation and being constantly interrupted by a needy/ fussy baby.

@ohyesido why does it have to be jealous of a baby? I don’t unterstand.

like the good old days

The past is another country....

Her life has totally changed, you will never have those days again in quite the same way. You need to accept this and evolve with it so that the friendship can evolve. She may get pregnant again as soon as this child is old enough to be left....

Because the baby has your friend's attention and your friend is preoccupied with the baby and not focused on you.

Frustrating it may be that a baby's needs have to come first, but the baby has to come first. Acceptance of that will surely make it easier to endure?

@PeloMom yea, i can also see my friend stresses aswell, i dont understand why baby can’t be home with dad for 1-2 hours, while mom goes out a little bit. The dad aslo dosn’t bring baby with him when meeting friends

She probably thinks, as her good friend that you want to have a relationship with her child. If you do just want to see her 1:1 then just ask her and see what she says.

Has she ever left the baby with Dad?

@Railous i get it. When mine was that little I was looking forward to meeting friends and catching a break.it was more stressful to bring the baby with me - when I had no choice I preferred to just stay home.

I think it’s fine. Can you suggest an evening bar/ something tricky to bring a baby to. Say how lovely it would be to go out - a positive

Why do people always use jealousy as a go to?

It's not jealousy, it's boredom and annoyance. Having to only see a friend with a toddler in tow becomes extremely tedious after a while.

@ohyesido ok but i have another friend with a 3 year old and she enjoys alone time aswell. And she is even a single mom. Lol i think everyone knows a baby is their nr 1. but dosn’t hurt to hangout without baby and let dad watch a bit. It dosn’t make anyone a bad person for wanting to meet their friend one time without baby

You are not wrong in how you feel. You are also noticing that she and her partner treat her time as free/permanent babycare and that he can play and socialize as much as he wants without childcare responsibilities while it takes extraordinary money/effort for her to access child free time. The reason why she gets a babysitter for a couples evening is that his adult time is valuable. They hire a babysitter so he can enjoy the adult evening. When she sees you for coffee with the baby on her knee she doesn’t ask him for childcare or money for a babysitter.

It's not jealousy. It's just nice to spend some time with friend and baby, and some time in an adult setting where you can chat without interruption and she can relax.

Maybe dad is an arse and can't be trusted to parent the child properly though.

I guess she wants to bring baby with her? I am probably guilty of the same to be honest....the love and pride I have for my DD (especially when she was teeny) ...it was just overwhelming and I just wanted her with me all the time and I guess I just wanted everyone involved.

However I did make the effort to leave her with my parents to meet child free friends who I knew didn't want her there. I KNEW these friends weren't baby fans though - does she know how you feel? Tbh it's hard maintaining friendships, your world shifts so much and you just barely have a minute to think of anyone else. I agree her partner should help if that's what she wants. Her baby is still not even 1 though so I would cut her some slack, I found it really hard to be apart in the first year.

Ultimately you just need to be (gently) honest.

@Edenmum2 yea i understand she is proud and loves showing her off! Nothing wrong in that. But its get tiring everytime to hang out with a baby in tow where it feels like my friend isn’t really there, and baby dominating conversations.

I don't have kids either, and honestly there's nothing you can do. Don't expect to have any time just you and her again, that ship's sailed. If you do make plans just you and her it will be ages in advance and she'll end up cancelling them anyway.

She will be talking about her kid constantly for the next 18 years. Once they're old enough to let you finish a sentence there will be another one popping out and then the first will be listening in on all your conversations.

The best you can do is accept, grieve your friendship, and make more childfree friends.

Yep, I get that, just trying to explain to you her perspective maybe.

Like I said, you need to be honest without criticising baby - focus on your relationship and just say you'd love some one-on-one (maybe evening if possible) time.

As PP have mentioned suggest going somewhere less baby friendly, a spa, theatre, cinema or bar? If she enjoys it you could make it a regular thing? Good luck x

@Edenmum2 yea maybe i prob let her choose a time that works for her, it dosnt have to be hours 1 hour is ok to. But one and one time is gold.

OP I hear you. As a 40 year old without kids I've had a fair few friends like this in recent years. Some friendships I thought were really solid have not lasted as their lives have just gone in a different direction, and what we had in common no longer exists. I mourn the loss of several of my friends to their motherhood, but not all of them.

I'm not clear if you actually asked this friend if they might like to leave baby at home with the dad? There is no harm asking but they're likely to take any 'not interested in baby' thing extremely personally so I'd possibly look to suggest meeting up to do something specific they can't do with the baby (eg cinema) than the same coffee shop just without the baby. One is a legitimate reason not to have the baby with you, the other is clearly 'I don't want to see your baby'. Both boil down to the same thing but your friendship might be easier to navigate by carefully going down the former approach ;)

They are annoying brats and should stay at home so you can have lunch in peace. Absolutely inconsiderate taking a baby out. They just whine, cry and are a general nuisance.

Gosh, you seem very bitter about people daring to have children for someone who is choosing to frequent a parenting website.

And don't forget that it'll always be you who has to make the effort to travel, whatever successes or worries you have in your life are inconsequential to what her baby is doing. When it's a toddler she'll spend all the time dealing with the kid and not even listen to you.

I've been there. It's shite and after the last time - when I was going through chemo and made a fucking huge effort to leave the house - I decided to ditch friends as soon as they become pregnant. Harsh, but easier in the long run.