For wanting to hang out with my good friend without her baby all the time?

[Railous]

Don’t get me wrong her baby is very cute. I understand having to bring a newborn or a baby that is very small and still breastfeeding. But her baby is soon 1 year old and takes bottle. I understand she is very proud of her mini self and wants to show her off. But it also becomes distracting when we meet, baby is more awake and craves more attention, and conversations being interupted by a baby is not my cup of tea. Also not sitting in a restaurant having a baby that gets fussy and feel like i have to help out with baby, its like i become a co parent with her.

Not fun at all. Espacially since her partner is at home gaming or whatever while she brings baby. I understand that she can’t hang out as much as before and i understand that. But kinda sad when i see her off all sudden posting out with her partner and another couple and they at a restaurant without baby. I just miss my friend and our conversations. Also when baby is around it all becomes centred around looking and talking about baby. I don’t want to come out as rude i just wish one time to get some alone time with her like good old days.

I don’t understand why your friends partner can’t look after his own child either every now and then
Have you suggested this OP

I have kids but when I go out with friends I don’t want to talk about my kids or hear about their kids the whole time. I am not just xxxxs mum I am also a separate human being so I would not enjoy time out if it was always kid focussed.
OP, why not suggest a spa treat or something adults only.

I get it, I'm a mum myself and I wouldn't like this either.

I usually only bring my kids out if it's a day out with another parent and their kids.

It's not about being jealous of the baby, it's that babies can be annoying.

Oh man this makes me sad. I'm your mum friend. I bring my kid with me when I go out with friends. I just get stressed when she isn't with me. Yes, dad could look after her but the times I don't bring her I just worry about her the whole time.

She will be just your friend again soon, once her quite young child doesn't need her quite so much. But for now, she's always mum. Just embrace it. Once the kid is a bit older she'll find sitting having lunch boring and she won't bring her.

It's sad that a one year old who isn't bf has a dad sitting at home gaming rather than wanting to spend time with them while mum gets a bit of a break to catch up with a friend.

I get you OP, it's not the same when there's a kid that age there: they're crawling off/toddling/ wanting to be entertained - which is all quite natural, but irritating when you just want an adult social time.

Not sure about jealous but you come across as quite needy OP. You want her undivided attention, but you want her to figure that out for herself instead of using words to express it like an adult? Instead of inviting her to random things that don't suit the baby just tell her that you'd like a proper catch up and can her partner have the baby for a couple of hours one day so you can meet without.

As a parent to a young baby who also prefers to have him with me the majority of the time I'd appreciate the honesty more than someone trying to slyly manipulate the situation (and you won't have her undivided attention to talk at the cinema either).

Your partner needs bonding time with his daughter too. This dynamic isn’t healthy.

@CheeseWisely not everyone enjoys being around a fuzzy needy baby either.. its exhausting! Especially every hang out! You cant barely talk about other things. Im there friends not the baby’s friend.

@Railous So just TELL HER for goodness sake. It's ridiculous to talk about inviting her for cocktails or to the cinema trying to manipulate a situation where she won't bring the baby, when you could just be an adult about it and ask her for some time just the two of you.

@Screamingabdabz fr is only always mums who bring their kids with them while dads go out without kids or babies and enjoy their time

@lolly792

not my cup of tea to sit there and entertain a baby or only talk about baby and whats the baby is doing also don’t even get me started with annoying baby talk noise. Like i get a little baby who is breastfeeding that can’t be left without mom but almost 1 year old with bottle is old enough to be home with dads. I felt i asked once and she just brushed it of. But she went on a double date with another couple but with me and my bf her baby has to also be part of (i cant really call them double dates) its annoying.

I get it. I'm not very into babies - although I like children - and I'd be quite fed up in your position. Especially if she has a capable husband at home. I don't understand how or why some people get so mawkish over any random baby they see; I'm just not someone who pouts that they didn't get a hold or gets so excited to be in their usually very dull presence.

I also think people who have childcare eg able partner and still bring their kid along when they know they're meeting up with you when you've had bad news or need support or similar are actually thoughtless and self centred. Exceptions being newborns and childcare falling through.

If she's a true baby bore, the baby will still be the star turn even without being present though. A friend of mine has had to back away from a pair of her friends as she's the only one in the trio without babies. Even if they go out without the kids it's wall to wall baby talk. Their 3 way group chat is the same. Anything she says is ignored/ token responsed and it's back to babies. These two can and do talk to each other separately and also know my friend worries she won't be a mum. So I do find them unforgivably cruel and rude. They don't even try.

I think you may need to ask directly OP - ask if partner is ok with the baby or see how she responds with obviously non child friendly invites. Unfortunately because you've not said or done anything before she may have marked you as "baby tolerant" and be unwilling to change this as it suits her. I also understand this type of mentality as I have a friend who has become extremely insular and now only ever wants to meet me at her home. It's very wearing and stunting even if you try to see it their way. There is always a reason- some valid, some seemingly clutching at straws, yet I also know from things she lets slip that she does venture out to see others and she does have days out sometimes. Yet even a trip to her local cafe with me got a no. Seeing her is ground hog day for me now. Still talk to her lots - she often initiates- and she is always keen to meet but only ever for lunch at hers (and it's always the same mea!). I have no idea what I've done that she won't be seen out with me, basically, and wonder if it's that or if I was initially so accommodating when she started cloistering herself that I've snookered myself with her.

@MrsToothyBitch yea if i have a child one time i will def! Not be like this, especially since i know how it feels, to be left out in a conversation you can’t relate anything to.. you try your best but they only take and never give. Its all about their lil miracle baby. Im also try to be very careful how i ask her since i know some mothers may take it offensive that you don’t want to spend time with their baby every hang out. Me and my bf are done for now when it comes to invite them over for dinner or board games night.. since she says «it be hard or we can try» including baby being there.. i know it would all be about the baby and entertain and focusing on baby

Ugh, it's such selfish, sexist behaviour, you're expected to be delighted by the baby being there because you're female, no one would expect it if it was a man bringing his baby down the pub every time he met with friends. No man would be called selfish or needy or jealous for not wanting a baby there every single time.

Good point @Naunet it’s absolutely ridiculous what women are often expected to put up with be it child free women or parents by fellow women as well as men.

@Naunet fr! Dads often almost lots of time don’t bring their babies or kids because their friend would have no interest in hanging with a baby every time not even the dad. But if its a women you supposed to love it.. and cherish the baby being there.. yea nope..

I totally understand and don’t agree you need to tell her explicitly not to bring the baby.

I think it’s fairly clear if you invite someone to an adults only event you are not expecting them to bring the baby. You don’t need to spell it out to them, as that may come across as rude or hurtful depending on how sensitive the mother is.

I’ve invited friends with kids to adult only events and it wasn’t even done deliberately to exclude their kids, it was just because I wanted to go a bar/spa etc. there was never any need for me to add on “ don’t bring the baby I want adult time”

She doesn’t treat everyone like this, so it says something about how she sees you.

I was perfectly capable of doing things without my baby same with my husband we did not to be glued to them all the time

And no I don't get the jealous thing having a baby does not make someone incapable of being their own person

You don’t seem to care about your friend as a person, just what attention you can get from her. Your friend is a mother now, that’s fucking huge for her.

A “friend” that referred to my child as a “mini me” would be blocked instantly. It’s a nasty thing to say and just shows a huge lack of understanding and maturity.

@OriginalUsername2 did i offend you?
not everyone loves your child like you do, and thats why i want one on one time because i care about her. Especially when dads at home

I suppose it depends on your priorities. Childfree time with my friends is not a priority in general. Time on my own and with my DH is a higher priority. If one of my friends only wanted to meet without children then we would rarely meet.

Why is child-free time so strictly rationed? I guess it depends on your dynamic as a couple. In my relationship we both try to take a couple of hours each as personal time on a weekend. The rest of our time is spent doing family activities, spending one-to-one time with our DC or getting things done around the house. In the week, I would always much prefer to spend time with my DH, out on a run or reading a book than out with a friend after a long day wrangling small DC.

I value my adult time too, but I obviously value my alone time more than child-free time with friends. Perhaps OP's friend is the same. I see five different mums every week plus others at playgroups etc. So I guess it depends how much OP's friend socialises too. She might not feel as keen to socialise as OP is with her.

The hostility is literally coming from the other side

YANBU OP.

However, it may be that she has had a baby with an absolutely useless man child who cannot take care of his own child for two hours. I have a friend who has only been out without her child once in four years because her "partner" is a complete wet wipe. So whilst it irritated me that she brought her child to brunch when I had left mine at home with his dad for a whole weekend, I can at least count myself lucky that I did not procreate with such a prince among men.

Not using the determinator when referring to the baby gives me the rage.

This is a good point.

You sound low-empathy and like a bad friend tbh. I didn't fully 'get it' before I had kids but I'm grateful now that I was thoughtful and decent enough to have patience with and grace for my friends who had babies earlier than me.

You'll get lots of people egging you on though. There are some real oddballs who hang around parenting websites insulting children and mothers.