Nurseries for 12 week-old babies - ok or not?

[weatherthestorm]

Inspired by the current boarding school thread ... Now that there is widespread awareness of 'boarding school syndrome', are we not, as a society, in danger of sleepwalking into raising a generation whose mental well-being is going to be impacted by even earlier separation into a form of institutional care? Will the next generation be defined by 'childcare syndrome', alongside and exacerbating the mental health epidemic that is already emerging through unlimited access to social media content? Will we look back in disbelief that we ever thought it was ok to put babies, as young as 12 weeks into long days in nurseries, where they spend most of their waking lives before they even have any concept of themselves as a whole, separate being? AIBU that we need to lose the taboo / discomfort around engaging with this important issue, before it's too late?

Sorry it’s an Irish term. Cling on to their caregiver and not want to go to the parent. Which is understandable given the amount of time they spend there.

The ideal is for mothers to look after their babies with support from their own mothers, sisters, aunts, friends and of course the baby's father.

That is difficult to achieve these days with families being much more fragmented, but I don't think that means we should throw our hands up and say babies therefore should be cared for in institutions.

Any model that supports close and responsive care, from an adult who loves the child (grandma, childminder, parent), is better than a rotating cast of caregivers in a nursery alongside many other babies the same age.

I dont think many babies are put in nursery at 12 weeks old. My kids started at 9 months when SMP finished, but in my limited experience most kids don't start until they are 1 yr old

Are you envious? Why does this poster’s career progression bother you so much?

The kids will be at school before long. My guess is that because the parents both kept at their careers, they will be in senior positions and able to be flexible once the kids go to school, and not miss school events like concerts and sports days. It’s a great strategy actually. And obviously the kids will have a lovely quality of life due to better income. And will appreciate it.

Kids are very little for a very small proportion of the time. It is not a bad thing to think about family income over an entire lifetime. In any case, as long as the children have unconditional love from their parents after nursery and during weekends, my guess is they will be absolutely fine.

Read the thread title. We are talking about tiny babies of 12 weeks old. Unnecessary at such a young age unless you are strapped for cash.

IWe could have managed without going me going back to work,but Iwould never have given up my career
Worked out very well for us
Very close to all DC

The point many people are making is that women (and men too) should be able to have a decent quality of life AND be available to look after their children when they are small. This is the ideal we should aim for. We need to reframe the debate: it shouldn't be about how parents can afford the childcare they need in order to work, afford housing etc. It should be how parents can arrange their working lives to support being around for a few short years for their children. In a working life of 50 years, it's not a lot to ask to be at home or working part-time for 5 years.

Believe me. I am not envious. They will not miss sports days in the future? Is that really your argument? It’s all about priorities and in my opinion having someone else take care of your very new baby 5 out of 7 days a week because you think taking an extra few months off will hinder your career is selfish and the vast majority of people would not do it.

And surely we are past the time when women must work /not work/ go part time/whatever
Surely these considerations are for mum and dad

I always find these threads quite interesting as they are so UK focused.

Where I live, maternity leave is 12 weeks and most women go back at that point. Childcare is plentiful and inexpensive. Childminders are more common than nurseries but both exist.

Without commenting on whether it would be better for babies to stay at home, there are not generations of mentally damaged adults here who were severely harmed by what has been the norm here for decades. So I don't think that we can really argue that it is hugely psychologically harmful for young children to be cared for part of the time by people other than their parents.

A further argument is that actually maternity leave in the UK was much shorter previously. The current generation of highly anxious teens are actually those that "benefitted" from mothers who could take much longer. So I really don't think the evidence that childcare at a young age to be damaging on a cohort level is very persuasive.

I feel a lot of these type of threads are really unhelpful and serve only to guilt trip mothers on the choices they make for a wide variety of reasons.

Exactly. We are thinking long term, not just short term.

We are both in senior positions and right now it means WFH, flexible working, controlling 99% of our own diaries which means early pick ups.

When they are ‘farmed out’ to school instead of nursery, it will mean at least one of us will always be able to do drop offs, pick ups, sports days etc.

Quite. My 21y daughter’s most anxious friend had a stay at home mum. The mum has health anxiety and now so does the adult daughter. It would be silly for me to conclude that this is because my daughter’s friend had a stay at home mum surely…

There is so much more to a person than what age they started nursery at etc.

I am well beyond this stage, but I do want to reassure people who are reading this with small babies at nursery. If you love your kids and give them hugs and attention when you are home, they will grow up absolutely fine. I can quote many many examples.

My children were born in the early 90s. I was a teacher. My fellow mothers were teachers, accountants, nurses. We all had one child followed within 2 years by a second. We all stayed at home with them until the youngest child started at the school nursery aged 3.Our family doctor had a baby at the same time. She was very proud of the fact that her 12 week old baby went to nursery in her pjs at 7am and was given all feeds bar the first one by the nursery staff. They would dress the baby in 'day clothes' then change her back into a sleep baby gro for her mother to pick her up at 6pm. She would fall asleep in the car and be put into her cot still sitting in the car seat.Her mother barely spoke to her for 5 days out of 7. She wanted a child to tick that box. Her career was more important.

This thread is about putting 12 week old babies into full time nursery NOT school going kids. The truth of the matter is you have little or no time with your tiny baby on weekdays because you chose your career over taking an extra 6 months maternity leave. The thread is about the age of the child and if 12 weeks is too young or not. You can try justify it as much as you like but it a choice you made and were happy making because your career is more important to you and your husband that neither one of you were willing to take full maternity leave to be with your little baby until they were older.

Who puts a 12 week old in nursery? Hardly anyone. It's not "where we've ended up as a society". Of course there's a choice.... You take 9 months off and then return to work after that. No one needs to go back at 12 weeks, nowadays, in the UK. There's a benefits system to ensure that mothers of 12 week olds don't need to return to work, if the normal maternity benefits aren't enough.

Let's face it, the mothers returning to work when the baby is 12 weeks are not poverty stricken . They are going to be those in well paid jobs who don't get benefits and can afford nursery.

What’s your career?

I own my own business that I started from scratch which is quite successful now. I worked in childcare before I had children.
That’s not to say had I needed to put my child in nursery I wouldn’t have, I wouldn’t have put them in at 12 weeks in a million years.

She wanted a child to tick that box

Goodness, what a nasty bitchy comment. You have absolutely no idea what was really going on in that family, whatever they presented to the world. Anyway, this GP Mum might be a brilliant mother now. She might be really close with her child and they could have a wonderful relationship. They could also have financial security and a decent quality of life now, that other people might lack.

Hey, she might even be a better mum than you and all your bitchy friends who all robotically had your kids according to some weird identical pre-programmed schedule.

anyway, I am grateful to women like her who carried on working, otherwise we would have an even bigger shortage of GPs!

the current generation of highly anxious teens are actually those that "benefitted" from mothers who could take much longer.

You're implying that previous generations went to nursery at 12 weeks - which obviously isn't true. There were hardly any nurseries for babies 30 years ago. Mums mostly stayed home until kids were school age. Or babies and toddlers went to relative's homes or maybe to a childminder. Kids maybe went to playgroup for a couple of hours in a morning - but not until at least 2. They weren't in day nursery all day every day.

The truth of the matter is that you have little idea about my life or how much time I spend with my children. Just a lot of assumptions, which are largely incorrect.

I wasn’t willing to give up my career, it isn’t something women should have to do if they want to be mothers so I did what I had to do to continue my career and be flexible for my children.

I’m incredibly happy with my choice. That is correct.

That’s fine. I hope you have financial security. Are you one of these people that ‘can’t understand’ that others choose to do things differently?

Were you making these disparaging comments about your family doctor while she was providing health services to you, or only 30 years later behind her back on the internet?

Good for you. You have told us your baby is in full time care in nursery do it’s obvious how much time you spend with them. It’s not rocket science. Nobody asked you to give up your career but you decided that giving your small baby six months of your precious career ladder time was too much for you. You chose your career over that time with your baby. Six lousy months and you thought someone would over take you in the race to the top so you made the choice to put yourself first.

No. I struggle to understand why a person, man or woman who was financially secure would put a 12 week old baby into full time nursery to chase their career.

Quite. They sound like a nasty coven of women, bitching about this GP, without knowing the facts. I have special contempt for people who criticise other new mums who are trying to do their best and making the best decisions they can at the time.