Nurseries for 12 week-old babies - ok or not?

[weatherthestorm]

Inspired by the current boarding school thread ... Now that there is widespread awareness of 'boarding school syndrome', are we not, as a society, in danger of sleepwalking into raising a generation whose mental well-being is going to be impacted by even earlier separation into a form of institutional care? Will the next generation be defined by 'childcare syndrome', alongside and exacerbating the mental health epidemic that is already emerging through unlimited access to social media content? Will we look back in disbelief that we ever thought it was ok to put babies, as young as 12 weeks into long days in nurseries, where they spend most of their waking lives before they even have any concept of themselves as a whole, separate being? AIBU that we need to lose the taboo / discomfort around engaging with this important issue, before it's too late?

I guess you will just have to live life with that confusion then 🤷🏼‍♀️

My eldest was at nursery from 10 weeks, not because I wanted it but because I had no choice but to go back to work

That’s different. You had no choice.

Not all parents in the 90s stayed at home by any stretch of the imagination. I knew lots of children where both parents worked and as I said maternity leave then was much shorter.

Now certainly there were likely more options with grandparents willing to help but that's not a whole lot different to a childminder really in practical terms.

And as I said it is the norm and has been for decades for children in the country where I live in to go to paid childcare from 12 weeks and I wouldn't say people here are any worse than they are anywhere else.

TBH I have not seen any compelling studies showing how paid childcare for young children is fundamentally damaging and I think the evidence is quite weak. As with most parenting, I think it is up to each family to decide what is best for them and putting out fairly inflammatory statements about how they are damaging their children is unhelpful.

I would additionally add that I am seeing a very sad trend in my age group of mid-40s of a lot of marriages ending and the women who took the motherhood penalty thinking they were doing the right thing for their children and relying on the income from their husbands/partners are finding themselves in very difficult situations.

100% this. It breaks my heart that all my (wealthier) NCT friends get to spend the full year at home with their babies whilst I was back working when my gorgeous girl was 10 weeks old.

Do you not think that things like sports days, concerts, drop-offs and pick ups are important at school? School is a far bigger period of the child’s life than nursery. Why are you dismissing being around for those? These things are very important for many children.

just out of interest, do you manage to get by looking after your children on just your business income? You don’t have to answer of course.

If it’s so obvious, why did you (incorrectly) assume that I only see them to put them to bed earlier?

6 lousy months would’ve included never gaining the flexibility I have now and will have in the future when they start school. You know, the flexibility to spend the quality time with them you’re determined I don’t actually do.

Back in the 40's and 50's perhaps later, in the USA it wasn't unheard of for babies to essentially live at the sitters house and mothers visit on a Sunday, mostly single mothers and it was unregulated so far from ideal. These women were doing what they had to do to survive. Posh boarding schools do not fall into this category!

I get by and then some. I have been incredibly lucky but I work hard.

Of course those things are important but I don’t think they trump taking maternity leave with a newborn.

Yes. I have a friend getting divorced aged 51. She was a stay at home mum. Her finances are now are a complete complex mess.
Her kids have left home now, but she’s trying to claim some kind of maintenance from her husband saying that she could have had a great career in the city if she had not given up work when she had children.

If your child is 12 weeks old and is in nursery full time do you keep them up late at night then to spend time with them or are you taking about the times you manage to pick up early? Or do you get them up at the crack of dawn to spend time with them then?

really? I think a kid would much rather have their mum come to their nativity play, than be told that their mum can’t come but that she stayed at home with them when they were seven months, so that’s ok!

Anyway, I’m off to bed now. I have to be up at 6 to go to work. But don’t worry, my kids are at university so won’t need dropping at nursery ;-)

So, by your reasoning any mothers who take full maternity leave can’t go to nativity plays. Em ok then.

At last a sensible answer.

Thank you.

The vast majority of the time, either me or DH can pick them up early because we can control our diaries, WFH and can largely work around each other.

They aren't 12 weeks old now but even now, that is still the case. This means that they get plenty of quality time with a parent.

It’s something like £9439.20 for a 2 year old or only £6703.20 for a 3-4 year old for the full year, most people couldn’t stay at home for that. Plus it would inevitably be more mothers staying at home and not everyone agrees that policies should encourage more women to be financially dependent on (usually) men.

I personally think what would help would be to start the discussion from the point that there is always an optimal way to do things for child development based on the body of research available and acknowledging that:

• This may not be significantly different in terms of outcomes at a population level
• This may be less optimal for mothers/parents than alternatives
• What is considered optimal may change over time due to a combination of new research and a changing environment
• No one does what is optimal all the time and it’s ok to weigh up the known benefits of an optimal approach for baby/child vs a different approach and decide those benefits are not significant enough to warrant doing something you don’t want to or will find challenging.

It would be helpful if the benefit of an optimal approach vs others can be well documented and quantified so people have good quality data to make decisions.

I see so many times that ‘x’ is best but when you dig into the details it’s often only a small amount different to ‘y’ or ‘z’ and it’s therefore fairly unlikely to have any significant impact on any individual.

No. I struggle to understand why a person, man or woman who was financially secure would put a 12 week old baby into full time nursery to chase their career.

Because being a patent isn't just about the here and now. Planning for the future is also incredibly important.

There are certain jobs where a break of any description is going to detrimental.

When I had DS I was working in a job where a years break made no difference. It was female dominated and there was always someone on mat leave.

The job I'm doing now is different and taking a year off would harm my career and it would be difficult to get back on track. If I was to have a baby now there's no way I would take the same amount of mat leave as I did last time.

Mine went to nursery 8-5 or 8-6 from 5 months/7 months. I actually think the set up was similar at nursery to at home for the youngest in many ways. Eldest would have had more attention at home but youngest I’d have been juggling a toddler, cooking meals, household jobs etc and her so unconvinced she’d have had much more 1:1 attention.

Hmm. I think 12 weeks is really young and it is sad if the mother is doing it out of necessity rather than wanting to. In that case there should be a better system in place for helping mothers and babies stay together.

However I still think there is a difference because the baby still gets their mother at night-time and mornings. The days my little one was at nursery (2 days per week) I’d co sleep and get all those cuddles in at night time. This was from almost a year old though.

My children go to school now. My OH drops them at breakfast club and I collect the youngest at 3:15. The eldest walks home. My flexibility to be able to do that exists because I worked when they were younger and have progressed to a level where I can choose when I work. Do I have both or just a career? If I just have a career why is that? Please do let me know 😉

@SouthLondonMum22 yeah I quite agree. In Canada maternity is 15 weeks (for the person who gave birth only to allow recovery etc) and after that it’s called parental leave (for up to 12 or 18 months total) as the father can share the leave. I’ve seen few dads taking advantage and staying home if the mom wants to go back to work after the 15 weeks.

You have both now, you didn’t when you put your 12 week old in full time childcare to further your career.

You have both now, you didn’t when you put your 12 week old in full time childcare to further your career.

You don't stop being a parent just because you use childcare. Even if your using it at 12 weeks 🙄

Future flexibility is really important and some parents will work to ensure this is in place..... and that's okay