Nurseries for 12 week-old babies - ok or not?

[weatherthestorm]

Inspired by the current boarding school thread ... Now that there is widespread awareness of 'boarding school syndrome', are we not, as a society, in danger of sleepwalking into raising a generation whose mental well-being is going to be impacted by even earlier separation into a form of institutional care? Will the next generation be defined by 'childcare syndrome', alongside and exacerbating the mental health epidemic that is already emerging through unlimited access to social media content? Will we look back in disbelief that we ever thought it was ok to put babies, as young as 12 weeks into long days in nurseries, where they spend most of their waking lives before they even have any concept of themselves as a whole, separate being? AIBU that we need to lose the taboo / discomfort around engaging with this important issue, before it's too late?

Not many employers give that level of paternity or shared family leave. DH is a GP and could only have very minimal time off when DT’s were born.

I am not saying they won't get the same outcomes, I am not even in the camp of thinking babies remember being put into care at 12 weeks or that it affects them in later life. What I am saying is that it does affect them in the here and now. I have worked in childcare and even the best nurseries cannot give the same care a child would get at such a young age as they would at home with a parent. You see a tiny little baby come in at 7.30 am and are there all day until six or sometimes even later, they are collected by tired and frazzled parents in a rush to get home and get dinner. I am also saying that I cannot understand a parent who would sacrifice that to further their careers.

That's unfortunate but you could take the 9 months right?

They HAVE chosen their career over their 12 week old. Absolutely they have. They had the choice to stay with a tiny baby, a choice a lot of mothers don't have but they chose their career instead. That's just fact.

You can't claim that as fact at all. You're just enjoying berating other women for making different choices to you.

Bring a parent isn't just about the here and now. It includes planning for the future. That might be financial but it also can be flexibility so that you can be around during primary school years, which are the most demanding time wise imo.

It's pretty obvious that you don't agree with the decisions these parents have made but that doesn't mean to have to be so judgemental.

When DT’s were born it was six months. They then went to full time nursery.

That's good, big difference in 6 months and 12 weeks.

Perhaps they are choosing to further their career for their child?
Nursery may not be ideal for a 12 week old, but the options are not ideal vs traumatised/scared for life there's an awful lot of grey space.

I am also saying that I cannot understand a parent who would sacrifice that to further their careers.

Nobody is asking you to understand.

It is a fact. A concrete fact.

They are financially sound.
They can take 9 months if they wish.
They can stay at home with their small baby if they wish.

It's a choice. Lot's of parents do not have a choice. Again the thread was what we think about those choices.

DSis went back after four months (different country, different maternity leave). There has been no difference in the bonding and outcomes for my DC’s (six months maternity leave) and their cousins (four months maternity leave).

No @manifestthis it's your opinion. Not a fact.

You don't know the ins and outs of peoples decision making process. It's never as black and white as you suggest.

I never mentioned being traumatised for life, on the contrary I don't believe it will have any outcome in the long run but certainly will at the time.

Again, like I keep saying, when you have no choice to go back you have no choice but when you DO have a choice and decide to go back anyway to further your career and put a 12 week old into care ..there lies the difference.

If you don't think there will be any long term impact, what exactly is your objection?

No, it is a fact. Not my opinion.

I can take my full 9 months maternity and stay at home with my baby.

I can go back to work after 12 weeks, not because I need the money but to further my career.

It's a choice.

My objection is that given a choice to stay at home with a tiny baby until they are 9 months old or put them into nursery at 12 weeks where you KNOW they will not get the same level of care so you can try climb the corporate ladder is quite selfish.

Yeah, but why? You can't just object to something so vehemently for explicable reason.

@manifestthis those are YOUR choices. Made based on your personal circumstances, values and beliefs.

Other people make different choices because their circumstances, values and beliefs are different. And that's okay.

Because you are making a sacrifice in the quality of a 12 week old's care for yourself.

Yes, that is ok in some people's books and people will do it. Their values are different, their value on their child's care is different, you are right there.

I've explained a number of times that my kids started at minimal hours. Like, three or four hours at a time. One or two days a week.

There was no sacrifice on the quality of my kid's care due to them spending a few hours a week at daycare.

They had far more attention and energy from me for it.

They weren't left with grand parents that I couldn't trust to follow SIDS advice.

They HAVE chosen their career over their 12 week old. Absolutely they have
And for many, its the best decision to have made at the time.

I became a single mum when my kids were under 4. Having prioritised my career as you put it, meant that I could afford a mortgage in a decent area. It fave my children security and access to good schools.

Later, it gave them opportunities they otherwise would have never had.

They would tell you that they are massively grateful for the secure upbringing they had, all the things they got to do because I was able to afford them, and this mattered to them much more than being in their mums' arms for 16 hours rather 24, 5 days a week when they were babies.

And how do you know that? Do you know the ins and outs of every parent's and nursery's abilities?

Ideally nursery provision would be the same as school - provided for everyone who wants it, no charge perhaps other than meals. Those on lower wages would be financially better off and perhaps not have to rely on benefits to top up their income. I don't know how that would balance the books

As to 12 weeks, I don't think I could have put mine in nursery at that age but I had to put them in at 7 months as that was all I was allowed. I originally went back to work to see if I wanted that option and actually I did. I felt less stressed as a) money and b) I wasn't particularly good with toddlers. I certainly think my DC benefitted from nursery with the stimulation and interaction with their peers.

I don't see how we are going to go back to relying on one wage to feed and house a family and this would be very detrimental to a lot of women stuck in abusive relationships.