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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be mad at MIL for sharing my intimate medical info with a friend? *content warning added by MNHQ- traumatic detail post birth*

220 replies

Betsabea · 08/11/2024 16:18

Context: I gave birth nine days ago to a perfectly healthy baby boy. I, however, almost died during childbirth. I tore quite badly and got an episiotomy as well, but other than that everything seemed fine initially. Then, about 30 minutes into skin-to-skin time, I completely lost consciousness because of the blood loss. Apparently, as they were stitching me up, for some reason each stitch caused my vessels to explode and provoked a small haemorrhage. Anyway, husband and baby were brought out of the room and a team of 8 or 9 doctors and nurses spent over two hours trying to save me, while I was there going in and out of consciousness and thinking I was going to leave my new family without a mother and a wife. I got over 50 stitches (the doctor wouldn't tell me the exact number) both internal and external. On top of this, neither my epidural nor the local anaesthesia for pp stitches worked, so I felt every painful second of it all.

Fast forward a few days later, I got home and, even though it got a little better, the pain is still a lot to bear. I can't sit down without sitting on my breastfeeding pillow, I can't pee without screaming in pain, I can't stand up for longer than a few minutes, and so on. Introduce my MIL. Now she's normally quite a lovely MIL, but she has a problem - despite never having had a single health problem herself besides maybe a toothache, she LOVES talking about health stuff, recommending meds, asking about medical info, freaking out over the smallest problem and making molehills into mountains, etc.

A few days ago she asked how I was and I told her that I was fine, but I wished the pain would stop so I could stop being afraid to pee. Less than an hour later, she forwarded me some messages from a (to me) total stranger, a friend of hers who is a nurse (and whom I'd never heard about so not exactly a close family friend), discussing my vagina, asking for more details about my stitches, and totally randomly suggesting that the pain while peeing might be due to a cystitis. After the forwarded messages, she added her own suggestion to contact my doctor so I could get a prescription for an antibiotic as soon as possible. I got so mad I threw my phone on the sofa, then I typed a reply that I didn't appreciate my intimate stuff being discussed with strangers, that I am already taking an antibiotic because I am an adult who can take care of herself and communicate her problems to doctors in order to get help, that I am hurting both physically and mentally because of those stitches, that I only told her about my painful pees because I thought I could trust her like a friend, and that I would never share intimate stuff with her ever again because I didn't want my privacy to be breached like that. She replied after some time and apologised very stiffly, and she's been almost silent since then, only checking in to ask about the baby but very coldly so.

I told my husband and he agreed that she shouldn't have done it and offered to talk to her about it (I told him no), but he also added that she probably did that because she thought she could be helpful and that she acted out of concern and, in her eyes, my reaction is therefore excessive and unwarranted.

What do you all think? Did I get too carried away or it is reasonable to expect my vagina not to be discussed among strangers? Should I apologise for my reaction? Sorry about the long post but I really wanted to get this all off my chest.

OP posts:
SadSadGirl · 08/11/2024 16:22

It sounds like she was trying to help, yes, but I also totally see where you're coming from and don't think you're unreasonable to want to keep that stuff private or within a very small circle.

Livelaughlurgy · 08/11/2024 16:25

It all makes sense. She had a different idea of where the boundary is. She's probably being over cautious now, rather than cruelly cold. You know her best, is she a kind person who overstepped but well meaning? If so she's probably worried now about overstepping again and is trying to let you decide how and what to share. Or is she a bit of a wagon and was gossiping and now trying to hurt you by being cold?

OpalSpirit · 08/11/2024 16:30

Sounds like you have been through absolutely awful birth and have suffered trauma.

On top of that you have a newborn and are still in pain daily.

After giving birth, without issues, you can feel extremely vulnerable and also that your body is public property. I can only imagine this is magnified in your scenario.

I am not surprised you were so angry.

However, I would suggest really trying to put this situation to one side and concentrate on giving yourself love and care until you are stronger.

sunshineday20 · 08/11/2024 16:30

It sounds like she was well intentioned and trying to help, but it's obviously an invasion of privacy.

Spagettifunctional · 08/11/2024 16:30

Yeah she probably meant well (I remember my mil saying she couldn’t sleep with worry and was up all night burning a candle and I felt like I was the made to feel guilty for her worry while it was me suffering)

also you’ve had a baby and it’s a tough time

I would avoid her for a bit and next time she brings up personal stuff tackle your dh to deal with her (that’s what I do - mine used to call every day worried did dh get home safely and I put a stop to that go him who was really nice to her and said I was worried about him too and by her ringing me it was increasing my worry - bullshit but it stopped her ringing)

SallyForf · 08/11/2024 16:30

She can be as cold as she likes. It isn't going to change the fact that she discussed your birth injuries with someone else without your permission, so she can get lost.

ManhattanPopcorn · 08/11/2024 16:34

Congratulations on your baby. Im sorry you've had such a tough time.

Yes you did get carried away.

dammit88 · 08/11/2024 16:34

I think she was trying to help you and she cares. It sounds like you could maybe do with a debrief with the hospital around what happened too. I hope you recover well soon.

Betsabea · 08/11/2024 16:35

Livelaughlurgy · 08/11/2024 16:25

It all makes sense. She had a different idea of where the boundary is. She's probably being over cautious now, rather than cruelly cold. You know her best, is she a kind person who overstepped but well meaning? If so she's probably worried now about overstepping again and is trying to let you decide how and what to share. Or is she a bit of a wagon and was gossiping and now trying to hurt you by being cold?

I'm sure she's being overly cautious like you say, she's not mean and we've never really had a problem until now. I know my pp condition probably made me overreact - in a normal situation I probably would have waited and answered much more diplomatically - but I wanted some outside perspective too. I'll try to find a way to tell her this and let her know that I don't have a problem with her, just with this episode...

OP posts:
Thismighthelp · 08/11/2024 16:35

I think it was well-intentioned and she was trying to help, so I would cut her a bit to slack. Hope you get better soon - sounds like an awful experience

GabriellaMontez · 08/11/2024 16:36

Enjoy her being distant. Never trust her with personal information again.

Look after yourself and start trying to enjoy your baby. (After a really tricky start.) You must be exhausted.

WitcheryDivine · 08/11/2024 16:36

Gosh you poor thing that’s just very scary all round, hope you’re recovering ok. I can really understand how you felt, especially after birth you’ve been Poked and prodded etc so much having anyone else prying into your bodily state just feels horrible. I’d get your husband to have a chat with her and see how she is etc and if she’s still sore about it (the irony) he can explain that you’ve been through a lot and don’t want to discuss your medical stuff with anyone second hand.

I’m sure this will all blow over, and I’m sure she meant well but equally the most annoying thing is being told the bloody obvious isn’t it .

AgainandagainandagainSS · 08/11/2024 16:37

She should not have done it, no, but carrying on the drama when she has apologised and recognises it is childish, especially when there is recovery and a baby to focus on. What do you want? For her to wind back the clock and not say it? To punish her for X length of time?

dijonketchup · 08/11/2024 16:37

You had a baby and almost died 9 days ago, WHATEVER you did (almost without exception) YANBU

SimpleThings101 · 08/11/2024 16:41

I wouldn’t be inclined to apologise. No.
I would also never tell her anything personal, ever again.

I had a neighbour like your MiL, always eager to hear other people’s medical stories.

She info dropped the entire medical history of one of our mutual neighbours one day and I made up my mind on the spot to tell. her. nothing. ever.

WinterCrow · 08/11/2024 16:46

She shouldn't have discussed your medical conditions without your permission.

And as for the nurse who is a stranger to you - that's a shocking breach on her part.

Purpleraiin · 08/11/2024 16:46

Yanbu. She may well have acted out of concern but that doesn't mean your consent and privacy should be disregarded. Just as easily as she messaged her friend, she could have messaged you to let you know she has a nurse friend who she could message and ask for advice if you would like her too.

itsgettingweird · 08/11/2024 16:51

She clearly had good intentions.

I think some people see discussing the ins and outs and complications of childbirth normal because without it none of us would be here.

Some people will feel their personal childbirth story is private and not want it shared beyond those they tell.

I think this time both your wants and intentions got crossed. But she clearly had only good intentions and sometimes you need to remember the reasons and allow your heart to react.

Miyagi99 · 08/11/2024 16:53

Peeing in a salted bath helps.

TreeMelody · 08/11/2024 16:53

I think when you give birth, older women who've also given birth feel a sense of kinship, remembering how horrible tears, stitches, pain etc are, and want to try to help. Childbirth injuries can accidentally become fair game for sharing, even when a person would normally see sharing medical info as intrusive. Childbirth is obviously something that many women have in common, and not so long ago most of the care was provided by female relatives unless there was an emergency.
I'd cut her some slack, especially as she's apologised.

Congratulations on your baby and hope you feel much more comfortable soon!

Trickabrick · 08/11/2024 16:53

dijonketchup · 08/11/2024 16:37

You had a baby and almost died 9 days ago, WHATEVER you did (almost without exception) YANBU

Totally this, I wouldn’t be apologising to her, it’s on her to reflect on what she’s done, you need to concentrate on your recovery and your baby.

chollysawcutt · 08/11/2024 16:54

Gosh I'm so sorry. What a really tough time you have gone through - but congrats on your baby.

Yes, she overstepped.

Sure, your response might have been blunt - but you have new mother perogative, plus you almost died!

The only - the ONLY - response she should have made was a profuse apology: 'I'm so sorry, I was an idiot. I was so desperate to help but I realise I got this wrong. I hope you can forgive me'...

and, going forward, a friendly but supportive approach. So a 'hope you are doing OK today'. 'Thank you for the photos, we love him...' 'You're doing so well, we're really proud of you' ,'I've sent you a chocolate hamper to keep your strength up'.... kind of vibe.

A grudging apology, sulking and the cold shoulder is really uncool and childish. You already have one baby. You don't need to look after her also. You have done nothing wrong. (I speak as someone most likely old enough to be your MIL!)

ToBeOrNotToBee · 08/11/2024 16:55

This one of those occasions where both are not being unreasonable.

She's only trying to help you.

But, you're perfectly within your rights to not want her friend (nurse or not) to know the ins and outs of your traumatic birth injuries.

Take time to heal, be kind to yourself and give her time to think about her well intentioned actions have caused offence.

isitelsa · 08/11/2024 16:55

Congratulations on your new arrival. It sounds like you've been to he'll and back, and I feel for you.

I'm like you in the sense that I hate it when my loved ones discuss things I've trusted them with, with strangers. However, I have also come to learn that I do the same 🙈. Especially when worried and looking for answers.

I think when people discuss peeing with pain, I highly doubt they are talking about the Veejayjay 😁. It's about how painful it must be to pass urine when one is sore. The other person then suggests what they think might help. They may be way off the mark, but they are just trying to help.

YANBU to be angry, but neither is your MIL. And I don't think you need to apologise, but it would be kind if you spoke to her and let her see where you were coming from.

Get well soon and cut yourself (and others) some slack - when you're able to. 😍

newbie202020 · 08/11/2024 16:57

I think you were absolutely 100% justified in your response. I would have been fuming.

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