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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be mad at MIL for sharing my intimate medical info with a friend? *content warning added by MNHQ- traumatic detail post birth*

220 replies

Betsabea · 08/11/2024 16:18

Context: I gave birth nine days ago to a perfectly healthy baby boy. I, however, almost died during childbirth. I tore quite badly and got an episiotomy as well, but other than that everything seemed fine initially. Then, about 30 minutes into skin-to-skin time, I completely lost consciousness because of the blood loss. Apparently, as they were stitching me up, for some reason each stitch caused my vessels to explode and provoked a small haemorrhage. Anyway, husband and baby were brought out of the room and a team of 8 or 9 doctors and nurses spent over two hours trying to save me, while I was there going in and out of consciousness and thinking I was going to leave my new family without a mother and a wife. I got over 50 stitches (the doctor wouldn't tell me the exact number) both internal and external. On top of this, neither my epidural nor the local anaesthesia for pp stitches worked, so I felt every painful second of it all.

Fast forward a few days later, I got home and, even though it got a little better, the pain is still a lot to bear. I can't sit down without sitting on my breastfeeding pillow, I can't pee without screaming in pain, I can't stand up for longer than a few minutes, and so on. Introduce my MIL. Now she's normally quite a lovely MIL, but she has a problem - despite never having had a single health problem herself besides maybe a toothache, she LOVES talking about health stuff, recommending meds, asking about medical info, freaking out over the smallest problem and making molehills into mountains, etc.

A few days ago she asked how I was and I told her that I was fine, but I wished the pain would stop so I could stop being afraid to pee. Less than an hour later, she forwarded me some messages from a (to me) total stranger, a friend of hers who is a nurse (and whom I'd never heard about so not exactly a close family friend), discussing my vagina, asking for more details about my stitches, and totally randomly suggesting that the pain while peeing might be due to a cystitis. After the forwarded messages, she added her own suggestion to contact my doctor so I could get a prescription for an antibiotic as soon as possible. I got so mad I threw my phone on the sofa, then I typed a reply that I didn't appreciate my intimate stuff being discussed with strangers, that I am already taking an antibiotic because I am an adult who can take care of herself and communicate her problems to doctors in order to get help, that I am hurting both physically and mentally because of those stitches, that I only told her about my painful pees because I thought I could trust her like a friend, and that I would never share intimate stuff with her ever again because I didn't want my privacy to be breached like that. She replied after some time and apologised very stiffly, and she's been almost silent since then, only checking in to ask about the baby but very coldly so.

I told my husband and he agreed that she shouldn't have done it and offered to talk to her about it (I told him no), but he also added that she probably did that because she thought she could be helpful and that she acted out of concern and, in her eyes, my reaction is therefore excessive and unwarranted.

What do you all think? Did I get too carried away or it is reasonable to expect my vagina not to be discussed among strangers? Should I apologise for my reaction? Sorry about the long post but I really wanted to get this all off my chest.

OP posts:
jannier · 08/11/2024 20:45

sausagesforteaagain · 08/11/2024 17:34

Poor MIL blah blah ! She discussed your fanny with a complete stranger. No one can honestly think that is OK.

you are not public property! I would have also gone mental.

also best to go hard early in case she has poor boundaries with your child…..

not unreasonable, don’t apologise

Good advice to completely wreck the future relationship for all. Guess you don't like your mil

Ludoo1 · 08/11/2024 20:47

Soontobe60 · 08/11/2024 19:54

She was likely very shocked when she found out about how traumatic the birth was and thought she was helping.
It’s a bit sad that you’re so angry with her asking a friend who’s a medical professional for advice in order to help you, whilst at the same time you’ve shared your medical details on a public forum with 1000’s of strangers. You’ve made the point to her about how you feel. Time to move on.

its her body and she has the right to tell as many people as she likes

thats the difference here

it’s not the mil’s story to tell

Ohnobackagain · 08/11/2024 20:56

@Betsabea so I agree with your description that you overreacted but she had no right to share your details. I think an apology for your reaction saying you realise she was only trying to help but you are someone who is very private (she probably gets that now 🫣)

Ludoo1 · 08/11/2024 20:58

Happilyobtuse · 08/11/2024 18:18

I think you are overly emotional and over reacting. Must be the hormones! Your MIL was trying to help not telling people you knew all about your intimate medical details! FFS cut the poor woman some slack, she was only trying to get you some solutions and the person she asked was a nurse! 🤦🏽‍♀️

But the nurse is not part OP’s medical team, it’s not her business either.

Cherrysoup · 08/11/2024 21:01

She’s probably horribly embarrassed that she’s upset you and has massively overstepped! Just let her alone, she’s the one at fault, she’ll want to see her grandchild soon. She needs to apologise properly, face to face.

DuoLingoStreak · 08/11/2024 21:05

Betsabea · 08/11/2024 17:25

Thank you all for your messages. I needed some outside perspective to clear my mind on what to do. I will talk to her tomorrow and explain that I know my reaction was over the top, but I felt violated because I'm usually a very private person and this topic feels extra personal and painful right now. I'll tell her that I know she only wanted to help and that I appreciate that, but that I'd rather she discussed my health concerns with me only. I'd rather keep my husband out of this because we (MIL and I) have usually been able to talk directly without his mediation, and I feel like including him would turn the matter into something even bigger. Thank you again for your words and your well wishes!

Sounds like a plan OP. I always think about intent. Neither she nor you intended to upset the other person. She was thoughtless not realising or asking where the boundary was. You reacted honestly if maybe more curtly than you normally would.

It’ll all be fine. The main thing is I hope your recovery is going well.

lasagnelle · 08/11/2024 21:08

She's bang out of order. You've been through some serious shit and she's telling her friends like idle gossip

daretodenim · 08/11/2024 21:14

Can't believe all these people saying "two sides". Would YOU like your vagina and internal stitches to be discussed without your permission by someone you trusted? REALLY?

And the MILs response actually tells you all you need to know: her trying your best to help was only half (at most). She wasn't centering OP, she was centering her own need for attention. I've seen this countless times. She wanted to discuss how bad it all is with her nurse friend, under the guise of help. But if she'd really wanted to make sure OP was ok, she'd not have asked someone with no knowledge about OPs situation. How on earth could the nurse know more than OPs 9 doctors, or the medical staff looking after her? It wasn't about OP.

And that's confirmed by MILs reaction. If she was centering OP, she'd have apologised profusely and tried to make it up to her. After all, she's lucky she even has a DIL! What she's done is behaved like she was wronged. Let her stew.

OP, I'm so sorry you had such a horrendous thing happen during the birth of your lovely baby. And also that you're in so much pain now. I hope that the healing goes smoothly and your pain diminishes asap.

Thelnebriati · 08/11/2024 21:14

YANBU, its ridiculous that she thought she could give you better medical advice second hand than you were receiving from the people who are treating you.

Lizzie67384 · 08/11/2024 21:19

How did you completely lose consciousness but then feel every painful minute?

lasagnelle · 08/11/2024 21:34

Lizzie67384 · 08/11/2024 21:19

How did you completely lose consciousness but then feel every painful minute?

She clearly says she was in and out

Firefly1987 · 08/11/2024 21:57

It doesn't sound like she shared intimate details from your post. And even if she did probably thought under the circumstances it was ok to do for your health and to try and help your pain. You didn't appreciate it, which is your right. Now she's backed off massively yet still in the wrong for the apology not being good enough and being "cold" so I don't think she can really win here. I wouldn't expect her to ask you how you are again.

Lizzie67384 · 08/11/2024 22:10

lasagnelle · 08/11/2024 21:34

She clearly says she was in and out

She doesn’t clearly say that at all - she states she was fully unconscious but then was able to feel ‘every single’ stitch - if you felt every single stitch you wouldn’t be in and out of consciousness

thepariscrimefiles · 08/11/2024 22:17

Firefly1987 · 08/11/2024 21:57

It doesn't sound like she shared intimate details from your post. And even if she did probably thought under the circumstances it was ok to do for your health and to try and help your pain. You didn't appreciate it, which is your right. Now she's backed off massively yet still in the wrong for the apology not being good enough and being "cold" so I don't think she can really win here. I wouldn't expect her to ask you how you are again.

How is this not sharing intimate details about OP:

Less than an hour later, she forwarded me some messages from a (to me) total stranger, a friend of hers who is a nurse (and whom I'd never heard about so not exactly a close family friend), discussing my vagina, asking for more details about my stitches

The OP has every right to be angry and upset with her MIL. Her MIL is now sulking, which is her right but if she keeps it up it will damage her relationship with OP and the baby.

sausagesforteaagain · 08/11/2024 22:29

jannier · 08/11/2024 20:45

Good advice to completely wreck the future relationship for all. Guess you don't like your mil

@jannier I love my MIL, she would never do such a thing !

no one in their right mind can think ‘I know, Dil has had lots of stitches through her vagina but I will ask some random person who was a nurse 10 years ago what they suggest, nursing hasn’t changed in 10 + years’

it is NOT NORMAL to do this. No really it is NOT.

Firefly1987 · 08/11/2024 22:29

@thepariscrimefiles because she says all she told her is-I told her that I was fine, but I wished the pain would stop so I could stop being afraid to pee.

There's no intimate details in that TO discuss. Anything after that is just the nurse/MIL asking questions, at which point OP shut that down as it wasn't welcome. No drama. I don't see why the suggestion of cystitis is mortifying either. Surely if you were in that much agony you'd be glad of any suggestion for something else to ask the doctors about?

She's not sulking she's most likely terrified of upsetting OP again and who can blame her.

letmego24 · 08/11/2024 22:38

Firefly1987 · 08/11/2024 22:29

@thepariscrimefiles because she says all she told her is-I told her that I was fine, but I wished the pain would stop so I could stop being afraid to pee.

There's no intimate details in that TO discuss. Anything after that is just the nurse/MIL asking questions, at which point OP shut that down as it wasn't welcome. No drama. I don't see why the suggestion of cystitis is mortifying either. Surely if you were in that much agony you'd be glad of any suggestion for something else to ask the doctors about?

She's not sulking she's most likely terrified of upsetting OP again and who can blame her.

Op confided in MIL who then asked advice from someone else without permission

LilacTurtle · 08/11/2024 22:40

I've been through an almost identical experience to you OP. I understand how traumatic it is. It was years ago and it's still traumatic to think about some parts of it. I know what it's like to lie there and wonder if you're about to leave your family behind.

No, your MIL shouldn't have shared your details, though I don't think it is unreasonable for her to share that you're having a hard time after a difficult birth (that generically). People always ask how things went. People caring is not worse than the close family member who sent me card saying she was glad the birth went well, when she knew it didn't.

Do remember that your birth will also have been traumatic to those around you. Being there or waiting to find out if you were going to live. My DH had counselling and my mother had nightmares for years afterwards. I'm sure it affected my older children too. They may need to talk about it and debrief too - but not with all and sundry.

CrazyAndSagittarius · 08/11/2024 23:37

IMustDoMoreExercise · 08/11/2024 16:57

She should have checked with you first, but she was obviously worried about you and thougth her friend could help.

I think that you over-reacted.

This. Probably because of how you are feeling and post pregnant hormones but you did overreact and have probably really upset her when she meant well. It could and should have been dealt with much more diplomatically ideally but you've been through a lot. And on that note the last thing you need right now is family upset and drama. I would try to tell her that and make up, but ask in the future that she doesn't share your medical information with anyone as it makes you uncomfortable.

PlumViper · 08/11/2024 23:40

as it was to a nurse and not just for gossiping then yes, you did get too carried away

Pinkpaperclip · 09/11/2024 00:15

Lizzie67384 · 08/11/2024 21:19

How did you completely lose consciousness but then feel every painful minute?

Ffs do you think OP is lying? That’s not the point of the post is it. How dare you question someone who’s clearly gone through a traumatic birth and recovery. OP clearly said as well that she was in and out of consciousness.

LoafofSellotape · 09/11/2024 00:22

Give her a break, she was trying to help! She's not some random woman, she's your husband's mother who was probably terrified her son was going to lose his wife.

Congratulations .

Lanzarotelady · 09/11/2024 03:05

sausagesforteaagain · 08/11/2024 22:29

@jannier I love my MIL, she would never do such a thing !

no one in their right mind can think ‘I know, Dil has had lots of stitches through her vagina but I will ask some random person who was a nurse 10 years ago what they suggest, nursing hasn’t changed in 10 + years’

it is NOT NORMAL to do this. No really it is NOT.

Where have you got that the nurse was nursing 10:years ago???
Nursing moves on, but the basics remain the same!

MeganM3 · 09/11/2024 04:01

My mother does this kind of thing and i know she wants to help in some way but I don't like it at all.
With my mum I have asked many times that she doesn't tell other people my personal business. She remembers for about 5 minutes and then carries on as before. She uses personal information about others to bond with other people I think.
I've stopped telling her anything I wouldn't want shared. It's caused some problems and I'm accused of being Cold. But you can't win.
Sorry you're in so much pain. This is the last thing you need.

Owl55 · 09/11/2024 04:07

She asked a nurse friend for advice in order to help you with good intentions. YABU .

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