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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be mad at MIL for sharing my intimate medical info with a friend? *content warning added by MNHQ- traumatic detail post birth*

220 replies

Betsabea · 08/11/2024 16:18

Context: I gave birth nine days ago to a perfectly healthy baby boy. I, however, almost died during childbirth. I tore quite badly and got an episiotomy as well, but other than that everything seemed fine initially. Then, about 30 minutes into skin-to-skin time, I completely lost consciousness because of the blood loss. Apparently, as they were stitching me up, for some reason each stitch caused my vessels to explode and provoked a small haemorrhage. Anyway, husband and baby were brought out of the room and a team of 8 or 9 doctors and nurses spent over two hours trying to save me, while I was there going in and out of consciousness and thinking I was going to leave my new family without a mother and a wife. I got over 50 stitches (the doctor wouldn't tell me the exact number) both internal and external. On top of this, neither my epidural nor the local anaesthesia for pp stitches worked, so I felt every painful second of it all.

Fast forward a few days later, I got home and, even though it got a little better, the pain is still a lot to bear. I can't sit down without sitting on my breastfeeding pillow, I can't pee without screaming in pain, I can't stand up for longer than a few minutes, and so on. Introduce my MIL. Now she's normally quite a lovely MIL, but she has a problem - despite never having had a single health problem herself besides maybe a toothache, she LOVES talking about health stuff, recommending meds, asking about medical info, freaking out over the smallest problem and making molehills into mountains, etc.

A few days ago she asked how I was and I told her that I was fine, but I wished the pain would stop so I could stop being afraid to pee. Less than an hour later, she forwarded me some messages from a (to me) total stranger, a friend of hers who is a nurse (and whom I'd never heard about so not exactly a close family friend), discussing my vagina, asking for more details about my stitches, and totally randomly suggesting that the pain while peeing might be due to a cystitis. After the forwarded messages, she added her own suggestion to contact my doctor so I could get a prescription for an antibiotic as soon as possible. I got so mad I threw my phone on the sofa, then I typed a reply that I didn't appreciate my intimate stuff being discussed with strangers, that I am already taking an antibiotic because I am an adult who can take care of herself and communicate her problems to doctors in order to get help, that I am hurting both physically and mentally because of those stitches, that I only told her about my painful pees because I thought I could trust her like a friend, and that I would never share intimate stuff with her ever again because I didn't want my privacy to be breached like that. She replied after some time and apologised very stiffly, and she's been almost silent since then, only checking in to ask about the baby but very coldly so.

I told my husband and he agreed that she shouldn't have done it and offered to talk to her about it (I told him no), but he also added that she probably did that because she thought she could be helpful and that she acted out of concern and, in her eyes, my reaction is therefore excessive and unwarranted.

What do you all think? Did I get too carried away or it is reasonable to expect my vagina not to be discussed among strangers? Should I apologise for my reaction? Sorry about the long post but I really wanted to get this all off my chest.

OP posts:
Sia8899 · 08/11/2024 17:33

I can understand she was trying to help but discussing specific details of your vagina was an overstep, then forwarding you the messages must have felt like a real invasion of privacy. Especially because you hadn’t asked for advice!

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 08/11/2024 17:33

I would be absolutely furious with MIL and certainly wouldn't ever share anything personal with her again. Sounds like she's licking her wounds. She needs a hobby rather than trying to 'help' you by talking about your most intimate of health woes with a well intentioned stranger.

Vaxtable · 08/11/2024 17:34

She may have been well intentioned but has massively overstepped and no you don’t apologise. She should, not you. Hopefully this will make her think next time

then again I would not be discussing any personal issues with her now and my husband would be told not to as well

sausagesforteaagain · 08/11/2024 17:34

Poor MIL blah blah ! She discussed your fanny with a complete stranger. No one can honestly think that is OK.

you are not public property! I would have also gone mental.

also best to go hard early in case she has poor boundaries with your child…..

not unreasonable, don’t apologise

Webbb · 08/11/2024 17:34

Congrats on your baby, and I'm so sorry you went through such a tough time. I hope you'll be able to process it moving forwards.

Right now, your hormones are insane.

You over reacted, she was trying to help.

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 08/11/2024 17:35

Her intention is irrelevant, she has shared private medical information without permission. Had she said "ohh @Betsabea my friend is a nurse, would you be OK if I told her what had happened and asked her advice" that would be different. But she went behind your back. I don't blame you for being angry.

My MIL is normally OK, we arr not close due to how far away they live but we get on. She also has taken to treating me like a silly kid and I also flipped at her recently and said similar abiut being a fully grown adult who could manage her own health (I am nearly 45 ffs).

I sometimes think women of a certain age (my own dm inc) lose the ability to engage their brain before they open their mouths.

CustardCreams2 · 08/11/2024 17:36

You should look into a negligence claim. You could’ve easily died. Frightening. Regards the MIL, yes totally out of line discussing your private medical info without your consent- the only slight saving grace here is that she forwarded you these messages- so wasn’t doing it completely behind your back. Still grounds to be upset tho, tell her that going forward you don’t wish for any medical info to be shared without checking with you first.

VegTrug · 08/11/2024 17:36

Sounds exactly like the birth I had, except it ended up with a full spinal block & forceps. It ended the exact same though. I know your pain and I promise it eases a lot quicker than you’ll likely expect. Milk baths helped me.

I understand where you’re coming from with your MIL but it doesn’t sound like she was gossiping, rather that she was trying to help. Does she struggle with affection/words of comfort? The reason I ask, is that for some people, finding ways to help is their ‘love language’. That’s how they show their love & affection, by helping/trying to help. Doesn’t make her breaching your confidence ok though, of course.
Does this friend of hers know who you are/do you know her? If you do know each other then that’s even worse!

If not, then isn’t it the same as you putting all of that info on here? You’re a stranger to her, just as you are to us. Either way though, still not ok of course.

Hope you feel better soon

Gummybear23 · 08/11/2024 17:36

Sorry you had a traumatic birth and you are possibly still very emotional about it all.

I would learn to forgivd and build bridges with MIL.
Life is too short and it will be better all round if air can be cleared.
She is not malicious and evil who planned to do this.
We can all makes mistakes. Let it go and unite for your baby and your family unit.

Fall outs cause toxic environments. Resentment, anger and anxiety. Why bring all this into your life. It makes you ill and destroys happiness.

twomanyfrogsinabox · 08/11/2024 17:37

She was worried and talked to a friend who was a nurse, probably for her own reassurance as well as advice. She thought she was doing it for the best, but you are understandably not happy about it. At least she is on your side not the MIL from hell, try and build bridges.

m00rfarm · 08/11/2024 17:38

WinterCrow · 08/11/2024 17:04

You might want to read the OP again.

The nurse read sensitive stuff she had no business reading without permission, and then contacted the OP herself.

Not how I read it.

Justcallmebebes · 08/11/2024 17:38

SallyForf · 08/11/2024 16:30

She can be as cold as she likes. It isn't going to change the fact that she discussed your birth injuries with someone else without your permission, so she can get lost.

That's a really immature response

I agree with PP's, that she's unreasonable but I think it came from a good place and if you previously had a good relationship it's probably best to let this go, as long as she realises and respects your privacy moving forwards

LivinInYourBigGlassHouseWithAView · 08/11/2024 17:38

I think you've over reacted, personally.

She talked to a 'friend' of hers with a medical background in an attempt to help you after you told her you were in pain and struggling.

You've never had an issue with her before and said she's been a good MIL. Can you not honestly see that she was worried about you and trying to help?

A quiet word when you're feeling better would have been more appropriate, or having your DH talk to her, about you not being comfortable with sharing your personal details with others, even medical professionals, would have been a better way to handle it.

But, as it stands, you reamed her via messaging, so now she's taken a huge step back, probably out of fear of saying/doing the wrong thing and not being able to see any of you, which you're calling 'cold'.

I think you owe her an apology and a conversation, personally. Others will likely disagree.

Congratulations on your new baby. I'm sorry you had such an awful time after having the baby, it must have been terrifying for all of you, and your hormones from birth combined with pain hormones must have you all over the place emotionally. I hope you start to feel more like yourself soon.

anneblythe · 08/11/2024 17:38

The midwife suggested to me taking a jug a hand-warm water and pouring over yourself when you pee. It really helps with the stinging!

Lanzarotelady · 08/11/2024 17:38

CustardCreams2 · 08/11/2024 17:36

You should look into a negligence claim. You could’ve easily died. Frightening. Regards the MIL, yes totally out of line discussing your private medical info without your consent- the only slight saving grace here is that she forwarded you these messages- so wasn’t doing it completely behind your back. Still grounds to be upset tho, tell her that going forward you don’t wish for any medical info to be shared without checking with you first.

Negligence claim for what exactly?
You do realise birth isn't an exact science and people haemorrhage afterwards. That is why there is PPH Post Partum Haemorrhage protocol and emergency trolley.

GoodGriefGordon · 08/11/2024 17:40

My MIL did something very similar in a similar set of circumstances. I have yet to forgive her. DC in question is 17. It made a the hardest moments of my life harder.

you have all my sympathies. It will get better just take each day, each hour at time. Don’t think too far into the future. Get good support. Talk to people when you are ready. Be kind to yourself. And remember to eat (I wasn’t brave enough to for days)

VegTrug · 08/11/2024 17:41

@CustardCreams2Whaaaaat?! My DD’s birth was exactly the same and it was nobody’s fault but natures! I am nothing but immensely & profoundly grateful to them all for saving my baby’s life and that of my own…..

m00rfarm · 08/11/2024 17:42

When I went through similar 23 years ago (forceps, episiotomy, stitches, major blood loss, transfusions, immense pee pain - yes - I STILL remember the whole thing in vivid technicolour, including the blood on the ceiling - oh - and the removal of the stitches but not all of them ...) I could not have cared less if my MIL had told the entire universe about it if she had been able to stop the pain. I honestly fail to see what she has done wrong. Symptoms were discussed - not pictures of the OP's vagina being passed round the local pub.

CustardCreams2 · 08/11/2024 17:43

WinterCrow · 08/11/2024 16:59

OP, is the nurse an actual registered nurse? And just cavalierly breached her professional standards to gossip about your sensitive medical data with your MiL?

The nurse was giving generic advice without knowing the specific identifying details of OP. She hasn’t breached anything.

VegTrug · 08/11/2024 17:43

GoodGriefGordon · 08/11/2024 17:40

My MIL did something very similar in a similar set of circumstances. I have yet to forgive her. DC in question is 17. It made a the hardest moments of my life harder.

you have all my sympathies. It will get better just take each day, each hour at time. Don’t think too far into the future. Get good support. Talk to people when you are ready. Be kind to yourself. And remember to eat (I wasn’t brave enough to for days)

How utterly ridiculously dramatic and childish. That poor woman. Oversteps once whilst trying to help and you refuse to forgive the woman for seventeen long years?!?!

Madness. Total madness.

thepariscrimefiles · 08/11/2024 17:44

Betsabea · 08/11/2024 17:25

Thank you all for your messages. I needed some outside perspective to clear my mind on what to do. I will talk to her tomorrow and explain that I know my reaction was over the top, but I felt violated because I'm usually a very private person and this topic feels extra personal and painful right now. I'll tell her that I know she only wanted to help and that I appreciate that, but that I'd rather she discussed my health concerns with me only. I'd rather keep my husband out of this because we (MIL and I) have usually been able to talk directly without his mediation, and I feel like including him would turn the matter into something even bigger. Thank you again for your words and your well wishes!

You shouldn't be having to worry about this and to feel that you need to apologise to your MIL. She overstepped massively and should have apologised graciously and meant it rather than giving you the cold shoulder now.

You are the one who nearly died and who is only 9 days post partum with painful injuries, looking after a newborn. Cut yourself some slack rather than your MIL.

CustardCreams2 · 08/11/2024 17:44

Lanzarotelady · 08/11/2024 17:38

Negligence claim for what exactly?
You do realise birth isn't an exact science and people haemorrhage afterwards. That is why there is PPH Post Partum Haemorrhage protocol and emergency trolley.

It wasn’t detected and identified soon enough, OP lost consciousness. ABCDE should have been picked up sooner.

PoppyFleur · 08/11/2024 17:44

You poor thing, it sounds like you endured a truly traumatic birth and haven’t even begun to process it, due to dealing with the painful recovery.

Im sure your MIL meant well but I can see why you are so upset. If your MIL really wanted to make things better for you she would consider your thoughts, feelings and character. You are a private person, she must know this. Instead she has used your situation to generate her own drama, putting herself in the middle of your trauma, under the guise of helping you out.

If people truly want to be helpful, they should consider the person they are helping and what would be best for them.

thepariscrimefiles · 08/11/2024 17:45

SerafinasGoose · 08/11/2024 17:30

MiL fucked up. We all do it: to be human is to err. It's happened at just about the worst time given your current state of vulnerability, but if it was just a well-meaning if indiscreet blunder it's not something I would view as unforgivable. Had MiL taken responsibility for her actions, apologised profusely and meant it, it would be something I could look past. However.

Her childish, passive aggressive aloofness having been rightly called out over her mistake is another matter entirely, especially after what you have just endured. You are well within your rights to be very disappointed in her and your DH, who should be the one person you can rely upon to support you unequivocally. In the circumstances, your decision not to entrust her with private information in future is entirely justified.

Traumatic birth can cause PTSD. Have someone close to you keep an eye out for the symptoms and try to be aware of these yourself. The good news is this condition is eminently treatable: I am proof.

I'm sorry you've been through such a dreadful time. If MiL is being cold, try to surround yourself with others who are kind and positive. You are in need of support right now, not censure. Flowers

Great post.

ToBeOrNotToBee · 08/11/2024 17:45

CustardCreams2 · 08/11/2024 17:44

It wasn’t detected and identified soon enough, OP lost consciousness. ABCDE should have been picked up sooner.

You weren't in the room, or have access to the notes so why do you feel you are qualified to make judgement on medical competency.