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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be mad at MIL for sharing my intimate medical info with a friend? *content warning added by MNHQ- traumatic detail post birth*

220 replies

Betsabea · 08/11/2024 16:18

Context: I gave birth nine days ago to a perfectly healthy baby boy. I, however, almost died during childbirth. I tore quite badly and got an episiotomy as well, but other than that everything seemed fine initially. Then, about 30 minutes into skin-to-skin time, I completely lost consciousness because of the blood loss. Apparently, as they were stitching me up, for some reason each stitch caused my vessels to explode and provoked a small haemorrhage. Anyway, husband and baby were brought out of the room and a team of 8 or 9 doctors and nurses spent over two hours trying to save me, while I was there going in and out of consciousness and thinking I was going to leave my new family without a mother and a wife. I got over 50 stitches (the doctor wouldn't tell me the exact number) both internal and external. On top of this, neither my epidural nor the local anaesthesia for pp stitches worked, so I felt every painful second of it all.

Fast forward a few days later, I got home and, even though it got a little better, the pain is still a lot to bear. I can't sit down without sitting on my breastfeeding pillow, I can't pee without screaming in pain, I can't stand up for longer than a few minutes, and so on. Introduce my MIL. Now she's normally quite a lovely MIL, but she has a problem - despite never having had a single health problem herself besides maybe a toothache, she LOVES talking about health stuff, recommending meds, asking about medical info, freaking out over the smallest problem and making molehills into mountains, etc.

A few days ago she asked how I was and I told her that I was fine, but I wished the pain would stop so I could stop being afraid to pee. Less than an hour later, she forwarded me some messages from a (to me) total stranger, a friend of hers who is a nurse (and whom I'd never heard about so not exactly a close family friend), discussing my vagina, asking for more details about my stitches, and totally randomly suggesting that the pain while peeing might be due to a cystitis. After the forwarded messages, she added her own suggestion to contact my doctor so I could get a prescription for an antibiotic as soon as possible. I got so mad I threw my phone on the sofa, then I typed a reply that I didn't appreciate my intimate stuff being discussed with strangers, that I am already taking an antibiotic because I am an adult who can take care of herself and communicate her problems to doctors in order to get help, that I am hurting both physically and mentally because of those stitches, that I only told her about my painful pees because I thought I could trust her like a friend, and that I would never share intimate stuff with her ever again because I didn't want my privacy to be breached like that. She replied after some time and apologised very stiffly, and she's been almost silent since then, only checking in to ask about the baby but very coldly so.

I told my husband and he agreed that she shouldn't have done it and offered to talk to her about it (I told him no), but he also added that she probably did that because she thought she could be helpful and that she acted out of concern and, in her eyes, my reaction is therefore excessive and unwarranted.

What do you all think? Did I get too carried away or it is reasonable to expect my vagina not to be discussed among strangers? Should I apologise for my reaction? Sorry about the long post but I really wanted to get this all off my chest.

OP posts:
DonutRings · 08/11/2024 16:57

OpalSpirit · 08/11/2024 16:30

Sounds like you have been through absolutely awful birth and have suffered trauma.

On top of that you have a newborn and are still in pain daily.

After giving birth, without issues, you can feel extremely vulnerable and also that your body is public property. I can only imagine this is magnified in your scenario.

I am not surprised you were so angry.

However, I would suggest really trying to put this situation to one side and concentrate on giving yourself love and care until you are stronger.

100% this. Focus on you and your gorgeous baby.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 08/11/2024 16:57

She should have checked with you first, but she was obviously worried about you and thougth her friend could help.

I think that you over-reacted.

Investinmyself · 08/11/2024 16:58

A midwife debrief can be helpful after a horrible labour.
She was probably trying to help but be clear your personal medical information isn’t to be shared.

WinterCrow · 08/11/2024 16:59

OP, is the nurse an actual registered nurse? And just cavalierly breached her professional standards to gossip about your sensitive medical data with your MiL?

Lanzarotelady · 08/11/2024 17:00

She was trying to help, she didn't know what else to do so she reached out, yes she shouldn't have done so, but she was worried and wanted to help, I am sorry but I think you should cut her some slack, she hasn't announced it on FB - she has asked a nurse. The nurse herself maybe shouldn't have contacted you imo

Anonycat · 08/11/2024 17:01

My opinion is that you got too carried away. She was wrong but was interested (too interested) and over-zealously trying to be helpful. It’s exactly the sort of think my MIL would have done. I used to get very annoyed too, but with the benefit of age and hindsight I think I should have swallowed my annoyance more because I think she did mean well.

My advice would be ideally to say sorry you replied so angrily but you’re sure she understands you were feeling very down and hated the thought of strangers knowing intimate details about you. If you don’t feel you can do that, just try to forget about it and act warmly towards her, to show you’re willing to put it in the past. She is part of the family and you don’t want a bad relationship with her, quite apart from her role as DH's mother and DC's grandmother.

Lanzarotelady · 08/11/2024 17:02

WinterCrow · 08/11/2024 16:59

OP, is the nurse an actual registered nurse? And just cavalierly breached her professional standards to gossip about your sensitive medical data with your MiL?

Hardly gossip, the MIL approacher her friend who is a nurse ( or may not be ) and the nurse offered advice, its hardly a breech of standards/code of conduct.

ToBeOrNotToBee · 08/11/2024 17:03

Lanzarotelady · 08/11/2024 17:00

She was trying to help, she didn't know what else to do so she reached out, yes she shouldn't have done so, but she was worried and wanted to help, I am sorry but I think you should cut her some slack, she hasn't announced it on FB - she has asked a nurse. The nurse herself maybe shouldn't have contacted you imo

The nurse didn't. MIL forwarded on messages from the nurse.

pikkumyy77 · 08/11/2024 17:03

I had a very traumatic first birth. It took me a long time to get over it. One aspect—at least in my opinion—is that we are physically stripped, vulnerable, and entirely at the mercy of others. That experience of being publicly and helplessly mauled about was continued by your MIL’s intrusive behavior and broadcasting of your personal data. Tell your dh to run interference with his mother. You need some time to retrench and restore control over your boundaries. When you feel less vulnerable—months from now—her stupid behavior won’t bother you as much.

WinterCrow · 08/11/2024 17:04

Lanzarotelady · 08/11/2024 17:02

Hardly gossip, the MIL approacher her friend who is a nurse ( or may not be ) and the nurse offered advice, its hardly a breech of standards/code of conduct.

You might want to read the OP again.

The nurse read sensitive stuff she had no business reading without permission, and then contacted the OP herself.

FrequentlyAskedQuestion · 08/11/2024 17:04

‘Being helpful’ would have begun with her saying ‘that sounds so uncomfortable and I am sorry you are in so much pain. Is there anything I can do? I have a friend who is a nurse, would you like me to ask her for any advice?’

Personally, I think your DH should speak to her, and explain that you were very upset but have accepted her apology. BUT make sure he really is on your side, and diss uses her of the idea that your reaction was unwarranted.

He can acknowledge that her intentions were based in concern but it wasn’t ok to talk about you with her friend, and it is understandable that you felt extremely sensitive about that.

But tell her that he is glad she apologised and you can now all get on with enjoying the baby.

Bloody hell, I hate the way pregnant and birthing women’s bodies become common property in some people’s minds. I was incandescent hear my child-free SIL shrieking in horror and disgust havjng asked H whether I had an episiotomy or tear and told them to STFU and at what other time would they consider it ok to talk about my vagina?

Congratulations on the birth of your baby OP, I hope you heal quickly.

Lanzarotelady · 08/11/2024 17:04

ToBeOrNotToBee · 08/11/2024 17:03

The nurse didn't. MIL forwarded on messages from the nurse.

Yes, sorry, but my point still stands, the MIL was trying to help and I don't think the "nurse" has done anything wrong

Lanzarotelady · 08/11/2024 17:05

WinterCrow · 08/11/2024 17:04

You might want to read the OP again.

The nurse read sensitive stuff she had no business reading without permission, and then contacted the OP herself.

The nurse read the info as the MIL sent it to her, how can that be a breach?
The MIL then sent the responses to the DIL

cannynotsay · 08/11/2024 17:05

She tried to help, she got it so wrong. But she didn't mean bad by it. Hope you see that soon.

Pottedpalm · 08/11/2024 17:06

WinterCrow · 08/11/2024 16:46

She shouldn't have discussed your medical conditions without your permission.

And as for the nurse who is a stranger to you - that's a shocking breach on her part.

How is it a breach? The nurse doesn’t know her and wasn't telling anyone about her.
i think MiL meant well. As usual you will be told she is an evil, interfering witch and you should cut all contact, but that’s Mumsnet.

ToBeOrNotToBee · 08/11/2024 17:07

Lanzarotelady · 08/11/2024 17:04

Yes, sorry, but my point still stands, the MIL was trying to help and I don't think the "nurse" has done anything wrong

The nurse didn't contact OP.
MIL forwarded on suggestions from the nurse to the OP.

Feelinadequate23 · 08/11/2024 17:07

Hmm, I can see both sides here. Agree that given what's happened to you, whatever you do, YANBU! Sounds like a truly awful experience and you really can't be expected to be acting normally or reasonably. Everyone needs to give you a lot of grace for the next couple of months while you recover and look after a newborn.

However, I think you also need to give MIL some grace here, and accept it was a case of different viewpoints.

I think you muddied the waters by sharing personal info with her in the first place. I am a very private person by nature, and would be horrified by the sharing that she did.....but I also wouldn't have shared something so personal with anyone except DH and medical professionals in the first place, so she wouldn't have had the opportunity. I think you confused her by seemingly being happy to discuss your birth injuries. Although I do get that it's different with a stranger, even if she is a health professional!

I also agree that there's a certain kinship around childbirth and not just with older women. If I hear of anyone who had the same situation as me I'm always happy to pass on advice/tips/what worked for me etc - I feel almost an urge to try to help as I remember how tough it was so clearly (my DC is only 3 btw so I'm not a MIL yet!).

Maybe just leave it a couple of days and then say "sorry for my reaction the other day - I'm in pain and wasn't expecting my information to be shared, but I understand you were trying to help, so I hope we can put it behind us." If she's still a bit cold after that, then it's totally on her and SIBU!

Pottedpalm · 08/11/2024 17:07

WinterCrow · 08/11/2024 17:04

You might want to read the OP again.

The nurse read sensitive stuff she had no business reading without permission, and then contacted the OP herself.

Read again, carefully this time.

YaB · 08/11/2024 17:07

I wouldn’t say YABU as it’s how you feel, though equally I couldn’t get worked about that. If the woman is a stranger to you then it’s not like she knows who you are, your situation is simply a situation that she may be able to offer advice on being a nurse. Different if she wasn’t a nurse and there would be no point in discussing it with someone else, but her heart was in the right place.

WinterCrow · 08/11/2024 17:08

Because the nurse should have checked that OP had given permission.

I mean, you get taught this stuff as a volunteer, let alone as a medical professional. OP was identifiable, not the subject of a random hypothetical exam question.

phoenixrosehere · 08/11/2024 17:09

YANBU

She could have ASKED if you were comfortable with her asking her friend about it. It would have taken seconds to do so.

People often wonder why people don’t share personal information and this is the reason why. There’s always people who seem to be perfectly fine to talk to someone else about another person’s condition instead of asking the person if they want other medical advice and going from there.

Lanzarotelady · 08/11/2024 17:10

WinterCrow · 08/11/2024 17:08

Because the nurse should have checked that OP had given permission.

I mean, you get taught this stuff as a volunteer, let alone as a medical professional. OP was identifiable, not the subject of a random hypothetical exam question.

Not necessarily

The message probably went like this

Hi Nurse friend, DIL is in agony peeing, is there anything she can do
Nurse Friend - could be cystitis, she may need antibiotics

How is that a breach, she isn't looking through any bloody medical records!

As a volunteer, you have no rights to any medical information under any circumstances!

FrequentlyAskedQuestion · 08/11/2024 17:11

AgainandagainandagainSS · 08/11/2024 16:37

She should not have done it, no, but carrying on the drama when she has apologised and recognises it is childish, especially when there is recovery and a baby to focus on. What do you want? For her to wind back the clock and not say it? To punish her for X length of time?

The OP isn’t carrying in the drama, the MIL is by bring cold and distant

CurbsideProphet · 08/11/2024 17:11

I'm so sorry you have been through all of this. I hope you continue to recover and enjoy your baby.

Your MIL should have said "X is a nurse, would you like me to ask any advice of her".
You would then of course have replied "no thank you, I'm getting all of the medical support I need".

jannier · 08/11/2024 17:14

Congratulations on your baby. How sad that emotions and pain have upset this special time, I had a difficult birth with complications it leaves you feeling awful on many levels.
I really feel she was trying to help you and looking for answers I'd build some bridges if you normally get on with her, that doesn't mean saying you were unreasonable etc.