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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be mad at MIL for sharing my intimate medical info with a friend? *content warning added by MNHQ- traumatic detail post birth*

220 replies

Betsabea · 08/11/2024 16:18

Context: I gave birth nine days ago to a perfectly healthy baby boy. I, however, almost died during childbirth. I tore quite badly and got an episiotomy as well, but other than that everything seemed fine initially. Then, about 30 minutes into skin-to-skin time, I completely lost consciousness because of the blood loss. Apparently, as they were stitching me up, for some reason each stitch caused my vessels to explode and provoked a small haemorrhage. Anyway, husband and baby were brought out of the room and a team of 8 or 9 doctors and nurses spent over two hours trying to save me, while I was there going in and out of consciousness and thinking I was going to leave my new family without a mother and a wife. I got over 50 stitches (the doctor wouldn't tell me the exact number) both internal and external. On top of this, neither my epidural nor the local anaesthesia for pp stitches worked, so I felt every painful second of it all.

Fast forward a few days later, I got home and, even though it got a little better, the pain is still a lot to bear. I can't sit down without sitting on my breastfeeding pillow, I can't pee without screaming in pain, I can't stand up for longer than a few minutes, and so on. Introduce my MIL. Now she's normally quite a lovely MIL, but she has a problem - despite never having had a single health problem herself besides maybe a toothache, she LOVES talking about health stuff, recommending meds, asking about medical info, freaking out over the smallest problem and making molehills into mountains, etc.

A few days ago she asked how I was and I told her that I was fine, but I wished the pain would stop so I could stop being afraid to pee. Less than an hour later, she forwarded me some messages from a (to me) total stranger, a friend of hers who is a nurse (and whom I'd never heard about so not exactly a close family friend), discussing my vagina, asking for more details about my stitches, and totally randomly suggesting that the pain while peeing might be due to a cystitis. After the forwarded messages, she added her own suggestion to contact my doctor so I could get a prescription for an antibiotic as soon as possible. I got so mad I threw my phone on the sofa, then I typed a reply that I didn't appreciate my intimate stuff being discussed with strangers, that I am already taking an antibiotic because I am an adult who can take care of herself and communicate her problems to doctors in order to get help, that I am hurting both physically and mentally because of those stitches, that I only told her about my painful pees because I thought I could trust her like a friend, and that I would never share intimate stuff with her ever again because I didn't want my privacy to be breached like that. She replied after some time and apologised very stiffly, and she's been almost silent since then, only checking in to ask about the baby but very coldly so.

I told my husband and he agreed that she shouldn't have done it and offered to talk to her about it (I told him no), but he also added that she probably did that because she thought she could be helpful and that she acted out of concern and, in her eyes, my reaction is therefore excessive and unwarranted.

What do you all think? Did I get too carried away or it is reasonable to expect my vagina not to be discussed among strangers? Should I apologise for my reaction? Sorry about the long post but I really wanted to get this all off my chest.

OP posts:
Attelina · 08/11/2024 18:02

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Marblesbackagain · 08/11/2024 18:02

I think she had the right intention but execution was dire.

She should have asked your permission to ask anonymously to the nurse. Then it was your control as it should be.

I wish you a speedy recovery, that really sounds very scary. I wonder if she was a little in shock if she usually has decent boundaries.

Rosebud21 · 08/11/2024 18:03

YADNBU

Unused frozen food tins (place in the freezer), wrapped in a clean, dry tea towel etc., make great vulval/perineum ice packs. Also, ask your GP practice to prescribe lidocaine gel for your perineum

Congratulations on the birth of your son.

Take care 💐

letmego24 · 08/11/2024 18:07

I think you were right, but you replied while understandably on ' emotional mind' so it all came angrily pouring out. Whereas had you waited or talked it through first you might have kept it shorter and to the point.
But you didn't do anything wrong she just doesn't get that she shouldn't have shared it. IME people like this don't change do don't trust her.

Robinredd · 08/11/2024 18:08

You see this wouldn't bother me in the slightest. And because it wouldn't bother me I wouldn't grasp how much it would bother someone else and it would be coming from a totally good place.

I don't want to sound patronising but your hormones will be all over the place so this might seem worse than it would be on a 'normal' day. I've not long had a baby myself so I know what those early days are like although I didn't experience the trauma you went through.

I think you should cut eachother some slack, she probably didn't realise what a breech of your privacy it would be but she should be apologetic for her part. You've otherwise had a good relationship so don't let this sour things.

Congratulations BTW and I hope you have a swift recovery.

letmego24 · 08/11/2024 18:08

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No she doesn't!! She trusted her MIL who told someone about her perineum etc!!

ThanksItHasPockets · 08/11/2024 18:09

Congratulations on your baby, OP. You are recovering physically and emotionally from a very, very tough time. I'm not suggesting that this gives you a free pass to be a twat (nor that would you want to) but your DH and your MIL absolutely need to cut you some slack here. In what other near-death experience would you be expected to share these kinds of details and then nod and smile because MIL's old friend Marjorie thinks you should try arnica?

From experience, be prepared for your recovery to be a long road and your journey to involve accessing some specialist help. When you are ready, I highly recommend contacting the Birth Trauma Association for support.

Now go and sniff your lovely newborn Flowers

ThanksItHasPockets · 08/11/2024 18:11

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This is a real person who very nearly died and now has to work out how to heal physically and emotionally while caring for a whole new human. Your post is horrible. Have a word with yourself.

Ludoo1 · 08/11/2024 18:12

No need to apologise to her.
She should never have told anyone.
She’s obviously sulking but good that you told her how you feel about what she did.
concentrate on yourself and healing.

thestudio · 08/11/2024 18:13

For all those of saying poor MIL - well, yes, maybe OP has been a bit harsh.

But she nearly died. Died! She must be feeling absolutely traumatised.

If you were the MIL, wouldn't you be mortified at having upset her at this very difficult time, and terribly terribly apologetic? 'Oh god, X, I'm so sorry, I didn't think... I'm really really sorry, I should have asked you first etc. It honestly did come from a place of wanting to help, but I know that doesn't excuse my thoughtlessness etc etc?'

That would be the natural, non-narcissistic thing to do, wouldn't it? To feel awful for having upset a 'only just survived childbirth' woman and added to the awfulness? Even if you thought she were overreacting, the second thought would be 'and no bloody wonder, I'm an idiot for not realising that she'll be all over the place rn.'

Brefugee · 08/11/2024 18:16

Congratulations on your lovely new baby, and i hope you are recovering nicely from the trauma of the birth. Don't forget to speak to someone if you feel the need to talk about it, a professional if you can.

In your shoes i would concentrate on healing and getting to know your baby. Let MIL work hard at regaining your trust.

Spirallingdownwards · 08/11/2024 18:16

Lanzarotelady · 08/11/2024 17:55

Again the Nurse has done nothing wrong she has been approached and suggested seeking medical help? How is the nurse at fault?

No its all on the MIL but the patient was identified. The nurse however should be referring her back to her own medical team if suggesting medication which she did.

ThatsCute · 08/11/2024 18:17

I’m having a serious medical procedure right after Christmas…DH thinks it’s strange that I’m not telling his family, but I said to him that I don’t want my medical history to be gossip for his mum to share around with her friends and neighbours.

Happilyobtuse · 08/11/2024 18:18

Betsabea · 08/11/2024 17:28

Yes, I understand that. If my mother had done that I would have reacted even worse - we love each other very dearly but have trouble assessing our boundaries, and this is definitely something I would have yelled at her for.

I think you are overly emotional and over reacting. Must be the hormones! Your MIL was trying to help not telling people you knew all about your intimate medical details! FFS cut the poor woman some slack, she was only trying to get you some solutions and the person she asked was a nurse! 🤦🏽‍♀️

Mimiconvos · 08/11/2024 18:19

OP on a regular day I may have viewed your reply as a sight overreaction, but this isn’t a regular day for you is it?You nearly died and are fresh out of an absolutely terrifying childbirth. Please don’t even give it another minute of thought. Your MIL will be fine. You don’t need to apologise for anything. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through and hope you and your little one are doing well x

ThanksItHasPockets · 08/11/2024 18:19

Happilyobtuse · 08/11/2024 18:18

I think you are overly emotional and over reacting. Must be the hormones! Your MIL was trying to help not telling people you knew all about your intimate medical details! FFS cut the poor woman some slack, she was only trying to get you some solutions and the person she asked was a nurse! 🤦🏽‍♀️

Could be the hormones… could be the deeply traumatic near-death experience… 🤷‍♀️

Lanzarotelady · 08/11/2024 18:23

Spirallingdownwards · 08/11/2024 18:16

No its all on the MIL but the patient was identified. The nurse however should be referring her back to her own medical team if suggesting medication which she did.

Bearing in mind we don't know what exactly the nurse said, it may have been something generic, oh she may have a UTI in which case she'll need antibiotics....

Freeme31 · 08/11/2024 18:24

Sounds like she was trying to help you be kind I suspect you probably have some ptsd what an awful experience for you, please be kind to yourself and let others take care of you (including mother-in-law) this is not the hill to die on. I always think you and now your new baby can never have enough people loving and caring for you. Take care this is a precious time for you all - enjoy it

TwigletsAndRadishes · 08/11/2024 18:26

I agree with your husband.

thepariscrimefiles · 08/11/2024 18:26

Dontlletmedownbruce · 08/11/2024 17:53

I know you are saying she was discussing your vagina but she was discussing birth and that's the body part involved. People share much more intimately post birth than they would normally talking about tears, episiotomy, stitches etc. People ask each other how they are healing, we all know where they are referring to. In normal life no we don't enquire after each other's vaginas but this is entirely different.

I think YABU. I'm sorry you had a horrible birth experience but I think you are lucky to be surrounded by people who care. I think you are very foolish to start this new phase of life with an argument with a helpful MIL. You want to set boundaries and that's ok but I think you should apologise for your reaction but also reiterate that you feel strongly about her sharing personal information. I'm sure it won't happen again. Don't push a good MIL away.

If she was a good MIL, she would understand why OP was so upset and wouldn't be sulking now. OP is the one who has nearly died in childbirth and is trying to cope with severe birth injuries while looking after a newborn. MIL breached her privacy and obviously didn't mean her apology if she is being funny with OP now.

Todaywasbetter · 08/11/2024 18:27

Some people think a pregnant woman’s body is public property. I hope she sincerely apologies to you. Congratulations.

Ponderingwindow · 08/11/2024 18:29

You have been through a huge about of trauma and stress. You are allowed to be sensitive.

your MIL has also been through trauma. Her DIL, the mother of her newborn grandchild, almost died in childbirth. She is allowed to have a reaction to that and perhaps not handle to perfectly.

neither of you needs to apologize. Treat one another with grace.

also get a peri-bottle. Best thing ever for painful peeing.

H0mEredward · 08/11/2024 18:31

Well done for advocating for yourself.
What a disgusting violation of privacy?!
You already very nearly lost your life thanks to the incompetence of the medical staff and now your MIL chose to take your data and share it with who ever she wanted.
I would challenge her, ask who else she's disclosed this information to without your consent.
I would also look to protect your child's medical information (anything from crying more than others to vomiting) because Dr.MIL will be on the case attempting to over share and advise.
Congratulations on becoming a mum!

thepariscrimefiles · 08/11/2024 18:32

Happilyobtuse · 08/11/2024 18:18

I think you are overly emotional and over reacting. Must be the hormones! Your MIL was trying to help not telling people you knew all about your intimate medical details! FFS cut the poor woman some slack, she was only trying to get you some solutions and the person she asked was a nurse! 🤦🏽‍♀️

Your user name is apt. OP has probably got PTSD after her horrendous, nearly fatal, birth experience but yes, it's OP who is over reacting and MIL is the one who needs all the sympathy and care.

BigManLittleDignity · 08/11/2024 18:36

You reacted badly but you have a tiny baby and have been through a traumatic time. Therefore , you deserve forgiveness and kindness. Your MIL was unreasonable even though her intentions were not unkind.

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