To be mad at MIL for sharing my intimate medical info with a friend? *content warning added by MNHQ- traumatic detail post birth*

[Betsabea]

Context: I gave birth nine days ago to a perfectly healthy baby boy. I, however, almost died during childbirth. I tore quite badly and got an episiotomy as well, but other than that everything seemed fine initially. Then, about 30 minutes into skin-to-skin time, I completely lost consciousness because of the blood loss. Apparently, as they were stitching me up, for some reason each stitch caused my vessels to explode and provoked a small haemorrhage. Anyway, husband and baby were brought out of the room and a team of 8 or 9 doctors and nurses spent over two hours trying to save me, while I was there going in and out of consciousness and thinking I was going to leave my new family without a mother and a wife. I got over 50 stitches (the doctor wouldn't tell me the exact number) both internal and external. On top of this, neither my epidural nor the local anaesthesia for pp stitches worked, so I felt every painful second of it all.

Fast forward a few days later, I got home and, even though it got a little better, the pain is still a lot to bear. I can't sit down without sitting on my breastfeeding pillow, I can't pee without screaming in pain, I can't stand up for longer than a few minutes, and so on. Introduce my MIL. Now she's normally quite a lovely MIL, but she has a problem - despite never having had a single health problem herself besides maybe a toothache, she LOVES talking about health stuff, recommending meds, asking about medical info, freaking out over the smallest problem and making molehills into mountains, etc.

A few days ago she asked how I was and I told her that I was fine, but I wished the pain would stop so I could stop being afraid to pee. Less than an hour later, she forwarded me some messages from a (to me) total stranger, a friend of hers who is a nurse (and whom I'd never heard about so not exactly a close family friend), discussing my vagina, asking for more details about my stitches, and totally randomly suggesting that the pain while peeing might be due to a cystitis. After the forwarded messages, she added her own suggestion to contact my doctor so I could get a prescription for an antibiotic as soon as possible. I got so mad I threw my phone on the sofa, then I typed a reply that I didn't appreciate my intimate stuff being discussed with strangers, that I am already taking an antibiotic because I am an adult who can take care of herself and communicate her problems to doctors in order to get help, that I am hurting both physically and mentally because of those stitches, that I only told her about my painful pees because I thought I could trust her like a friend, and that I would never share intimate stuff with her ever again because I didn't want my privacy to be breached like that. She replied after some time and apologised very stiffly, and she's been almost silent since then, only checking in to ask about the baby but very coldly so.

I told my husband and he agreed that she shouldn't have done it and offered to talk to her about it (I told him no), but he also added that she probably did that because she thought she could be helpful and that she acted out of concern and, in her eyes, my reaction is therefore excessive and unwarranted.

What do you all think? Did I get too carried away or it is reasonable to expect my vagina not to be discussed among strangers? Should I apologise for my reaction? Sorry about the long post but I really wanted to get this all off my chest.

Oh heck! How could she so careless about your feelings? Words fail.

She should have kept quiet!
On a different note...I had loads of stitches and 2 blood transfusions following a hemorrhage with my son, so I feel your pain. I could hardly sit for 6 weeks but what really helped was having a warm bath with tea tree oil in it every two hours. Peeing in water us much easier and doesn't hurt, whilst you heal. Yes, it sounds disgusting but rather that than peeing razor blades.

This, but you certainly do not need to apologise to her for your reaction. Be kind to yourself - this will take a long time to heal from both physically (maybe years to feel as normal as we can after traumatic births) and mentally (hopefully less so). Ignore any further drama from this, concentrate completely on getting yourself well and ensure your husband steps up fully in this time. What you do now for your body will hugely impact your recovery both physically and mentally so put all your focus into that. Congratulations and well done on your new baby.

I think you are justified but also that she was trying to help. She wasn't just blabbing to any old friend she was talking to a nurse who sees people's embarrassing bits every day so I would try not to be too cross.

That surely would depend on if she knew the patient's name etc and was her practitioner? I've had GPS and nurse friends give me advice for my adult daughter and sister, as in I'd get it looked at sounds like treatment is needed.

I would give yourself some more time, and then talk to her about it properly face to face or on the phone (not text / WhatsApp) to clear the air.

Right now, focus on recovering and don't worry about it. You nearly died and you're emotions will be absolutely all over the place and you will feel so vulnerable. I think your MIL was out of order to not consider this or to ask you before telling her friend, but as others have said probably thought she was trying to help. She definitely overstepped but I'm sure a conversation will solve it when you're ready xx

Congratulations and good luck with the rest of your recovery xxx

You have been through a terrible time and your MIL obviously wants to help. If you and she usually get on well, she must have been desperately worried about you at the time.

I would ask your husband to speak to her and tell her to rein it in. She certainly shouldn't be discussing your private life with anyone else, but I can see how, if she knows a nurse, she might have wanted some advice.

Please don't spoil this precious time for both of you with an argument like this. You've told her off and she's apologised. Move on, now.

I don't think you should worry about your reaction at all. That's your reaction and it's not unreasonable - it's how you felt in the moment. You've been through a lot and you feel violated.

It doesn't matter how it was intended, you didn't like it in your current state.

Don't worry about it at all anymore if you can. You should not be focusing on whether you were ' reasonable ' or not. You were reasonable in your situation. Your mother in law should understand your situation and be grown up enough to just apologise, move on and hold no ill feelings towards you because of this.

It's not about her right now and her intentions, it's just about you and your healing. You should not feel guilty about how you reacted and ignore any poster trying to stick it to you on here.

I hope you get better soon. It sounds absolutely horrific what happened to you. I feel so bad for you. Focus on your recovery and on your baby.

She was concerned about you and trying to help. She didn't think there was any harm in speaking to a nurse to get some some practical information to ease your pain. She acted in good faith and you say is is a nice woman and that you get on with her well. She didn't go round town telling anyone who'd listen or broadcast it all over Facebook. OP, very kindly, it's when people stop caring that you need to worry. If your own mother had tried to help in a similar way, would you have ripped her a new arsehole too?

Peeing while pouring a bottle of warm water over your nether regions is a godsend

Also try to make sure your pee is not too concentrated

Been there OP...so sorry x

If I’m completely honest OP, I do think she probably meant to help. She’s probably being very “solutions driven” which is maybe not what you need right now. But I’ve defo seen worse MIL behaviour (maybe from my own 🤣)

Thank you all for your messages. I needed some outside perspective to clear my mind on what to do. I will talk to her tomorrow and explain that I know my reaction was over the top, but I felt violated because I'm usually a very private person and this topic feels extra personal and painful right now. I'll tell her that I know she only wanted to help and that I appreciate that, but that I'd rather she discussed my health concerns with me only. I'd rather keep my husband out of this because we (MIL and I) have usually been able to talk directly without his mediation, and I feel like including him would turn the matter into something even bigger. Thank you again for your words and your well wishes!

To be fair I am very solutions focused and this is the type of thing I would do..... I am very much a fixer and I think her heart was in the right place, xx

Your MIL confided in a friend who is a medical professional and has no connection to you, a total stranger, as you say, to get medical advice to help you.

You are discussing with thousands of total strangers on line!

I would have been furious. My MIL is similarly invested in everyone’s health and we just have to tell her nothing now. Doesn’t stop her asking, and she tells us all kinds about her friends that I’m sure they would be horrified by. I do tell her that it’s none of my business and she gets defensive then does it again a few weeks later.

She knows nothing about my birth other than the fact that it happened. We rang her after DC1 was born, said all was fine, DH refused to give her any of my private information to gossip about.

I remember one of my NCT group, her husband told mine that she had had an episiotomy. She hadn’t told any of the group and was really upset. I made sure that DH didn’t tell anyone else (not that he would have anyway).

Take your time now to recover and take painkillers and laxatives and eat and drink well. Don’t do anything other than cuddling your baby.

When the time is right in the future you might find a birth debrief helpful.

Yes, I understand that. If my mother had done that I would have reacted even worse - we love each other very dearly but have trouble assessing our boundaries, and this is definitely something I would have yelled at her for.

@Betsabea Post op pain, especially after giving birth is awful, it hurts to pee and to poo etc, and no one can take that pain away from you.
Pour water over your urethra/vagina when weeing, this is a god send, take laxatives to avoid straining when opening your bowels.
I do think her heart was in the right place, she may have gone about it clumsily, but I do think it was with your best interest xx
Take care, heal well, and enjoy baby

I think she meant to be helpful. However, good intentions generally only lead to one place. I wouldn't have been cross but then I wouldn't have shared any of the details of delivery or pain with either DM or MiL in the first place.

I’d be wondering why she didn’t ask you first.

“I’ve a friend who is a nurse? Would you like me to see if she has any advice for you?” Simples.

Have you anyone you can ask for advice about piles for her?

MiL fucked up. We all do it: to be human is to err. It's happened at just about the worst time given your current state of vulnerability, but if it was just a well-meaning if indiscreet blunder it's not something I would view as unforgivable. Had MiL taken responsibility for her actions, apologised profusely and meant it, it would be something I could look past. However.

Her childish, passive aggressive aloofness having been rightly called out over her mistake is another matter entirely, especially after what you have just endured. You are well within your rights to be very disappointed in her and your DH, who should be the one person you can rely upon to support you unequivocally. In the circumstances, your decision not to entrust her with private information in future is entirely justified.

Traumatic birth can cause PTSD. Have someone close to you keep an eye out for the symptoms and try to be aware of these yourself. The good news is this condition is eminently treatable: I am proof.

I'm sorry you've been through such a dreadful time. If MiL is being cold, try to surround yourself with others who are kind and positive. You are in need of support right now, not censure.

I would have been bloody livid as well. It’s your private medical information and she had no right to discuss it with anyone without your permission.

Very odd of this nurse to message you!

Your MIL has a lot of making up to do. Don't let this slide.

My mum sounds similar to your MIL in her approach to medical information. She thinks nothing of telling me in detail about her friends' bladder and bowel issues and I'm sure has shared all sorts about me with them! It doesn't bother me too much as it's basically just kindhearted middle aged women sharing their own woes and those their family. They all discuss the most intimate matters without any embarrassment! However, my sister absolutely hates anything about her life being shared outside the family, let alone medical information, and views it as a massive violation of her privacy. I completely understand her point of view and agree she is absolutely right to insist on her personal experiences being kept private. She has now made this clear to my mum as it had previously caused a big falling out between them.

If I were you, I would either talk to your MIL about how this has made you feel, or get your husband to talk to her as he has offered. She needs to know what your boundaries are and respect them moving forward. She most likely meant well but she needs to understand that her actions have upset you.

I also agree with a previous poster that arranging a debrief at the hospital, at some point down the line, could be very helpful for you. I had a traumatic first birth and there were things that happened of which I'd been oblivious at the time or had since blotted out. The debrief helped to clarify things for me and made the emotional healing process easier. Take care x

OP nearly died, has some very painful birth injuries and is only 9 days post partum. If anyone should be cut some slack it's OP rather than her MIL.

Her MIL may have meant well, but it was a breach of OP's privacy and she discussed things that OP finds embarassing. She could have asked OP if she would like MIL to speak to her friend who's a nurse. OP would have said no and that would have been the end of it.

The nurse didn't she answered MIL text and the MIL forwarded it onto the DIL