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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be mad at MIL for sharing my intimate medical info with a friend? *content warning added by MNHQ- traumatic detail post birth*

220 replies

Betsabea · 08/11/2024 16:18

Context: I gave birth nine days ago to a perfectly healthy baby boy. I, however, almost died during childbirth. I tore quite badly and got an episiotomy as well, but other than that everything seemed fine initially. Then, about 30 minutes into skin-to-skin time, I completely lost consciousness because of the blood loss. Apparently, as they were stitching me up, for some reason each stitch caused my vessels to explode and provoked a small haemorrhage. Anyway, husband and baby were brought out of the room and a team of 8 or 9 doctors and nurses spent over two hours trying to save me, while I was there going in and out of consciousness and thinking I was going to leave my new family without a mother and a wife. I got over 50 stitches (the doctor wouldn't tell me the exact number) both internal and external. On top of this, neither my epidural nor the local anaesthesia for pp stitches worked, so I felt every painful second of it all.

Fast forward a few days later, I got home and, even though it got a little better, the pain is still a lot to bear. I can't sit down without sitting on my breastfeeding pillow, I can't pee without screaming in pain, I can't stand up for longer than a few minutes, and so on. Introduce my MIL. Now she's normally quite a lovely MIL, but she has a problem - despite never having had a single health problem herself besides maybe a toothache, she LOVES talking about health stuff, recommending meds, asking about medical info, freaking out over the smallest problem and making molehills into mountains, etc.

A few days ago she asked how I was and I told her that I was fine, but I wished the pain would stop so I could stop being afraid to pee. Less than an hour later, she forwarded me some messages from a (to me) total stranger, a friend of hers who is a nurse (and whom I'd never heard about so not exactly a close family friend), discussing my vagina, asking for more details about my stitches, and totally randomly suggesting that the pain while peeing might be due to a cystitis. After the forwarded messages, she added her own suggestion to contact my doctor so I could get a prescription for an antibiotic as soon as possible. I got so mad I threw my phone on the sofa, then I typed a reply that I didn't appreciate my intimate stuff being discussed with strangers, that I am already taking an antibiotic because I am an adult who can take care of herself and communicate her problems to doctors in order to get help, that I am hurting both physically and mentally because of those stitches, that I only told her about my painful pees because I thought I could trust her like a friend, and that I would never share intimate stuff with her ever again because I didn't want my privacy to be breached like that. She replied after some time and apologised very stiffly, and she's been almost silent since then, only checking in to ask about the baby but very coldly so.

I told my husband and he agreed that she shouldn't have done it and offered to talk to her about it (I told him no), but he also added that she probably did that because she thought she could be helpful and that she acted out of concern and, in her eyes, my reaction is therefore excessive and unwarranted.

What do you all think? Did I get too carried away or it is reasonable to expect my vagina not to be discussed among strangers? Should I apologise for my reaction? Sorry about the long post but I really wanted to get this all off my chest.

OP posts:
Idontjetwashthefucker · 09/11/2024 05:28

OP is I presume under the care of doctor/midwife/nurse and following whatever advice/treatment etc she has been given, she doesn't need a stranger, nurse or not, giving further advice. This was not MIL's information to share and I'm not surprised OP gave the response she did

Lanzarotelady · 09/11/2024 06:17

Idontjetwashthefucker · 09/11/2024 05:28

OP is I presume under the care of doctor/midwife/nurse and following whatever advice/treatment etc she has been given, she doesn't need a stranger, nurse or not, giving further advice. This was not MIL's information to share and I'm not surprised OP gave the response she did

Hahahaha other than the haemorrhage the OP may not even have seen a Dr throughout the whole of her pregnancy!
Midwives normally keep mums on their books for 28 days, but support can be sporadic.

thepariscrimefiles · 09/11/2024 06:40

Firefly1987 · 08/11/2024 22:29

@thepariscrimefiles because she says all she told her is-I told her that I was fine, but I wished the pain would stop so I could stop being afraid to pee.

There's no intimate details in that TO discuss. Anything after that is just the nurse/MIL asking questions, at which point OP shut that down as it wasn't welcome. No drama. I don't see why the suggestion of cystitis is mortifying either. Surely if you were in that much agony you'd be glad of any suggestion for something else to ask the doctors about?

She's not sulking she's most likely terrified of upsetting OP again and who can blame her.

OP has said twice in her OP that they were discussing her vagina and that is what particularly upset her. The nurse was asking about her stiches, not just her cystitis. It was a breach of her privacy.

I certainly wouldn't want anyone to discuss my confidential medical problems with other people, even medical professionals, without asking my permission.

Pottedpalm · 09/11/2024 08:25

Soontobe60 · 08/11/2024 19:54

She was likely very shocked when she found out about how traumatic the birth was and thought she was helping.
It’s a bit sad that you’re so angry with her asking a friend who’s a medical professional for advice in order to help you, whilst at the same time you’ve shared your medical details on a public forum with 1000’s of strangers. You’ve made the point to her about how you feel. Time to move on.

Good point!
It also surprises me that posters who have undergone trauma and are recovering while caring for a newborn still have time to be posting lengthy messages vilifying the MiL who was surely trying to help.

thepariscrimefiles · 09/11/2024 09:03

Pottedpalm · 09/11/2024 08:25

Good point!
It also surprises me that posters who have undergone trauma and are recovering while caring for a newborn still have time to be posting lengthy messages vilifying the MiL who was surely trying to help.

The OP has written 4 posts. You are obviously implying that she is lying about the severity of her injuries and the trauma of her birth experience and that she is neglecting her newborn in order to post on here to unfairly villify her MIL.

If all posters were like you and implied that the terrible situations that some posters describe were not really true and, if they were that bad, they wouldn't have the time to post, no-one would dare post on here for support and advice.

Your post isn't the 'gotcha' that you seem to think it is. OP is going to try and build bridges with her sulking MIL. She has described her previously good relationship with her MIL. Her MIL may have been trying to help but she seriously overstepped and isn't the victim here.

cnka · 09/11/2024 09:15

You have nothing to apologise for OP. Your feelings are valid and I don't think you should worry about this at all anymore. Shut this thread down as a lot of the replies are not helpful.

Growlybear83 · 09/11/2024 09:21

It sounds like you had a truly horrendous experience, OP - congratulations on your new baby, and I hope you recover quickly. However, I think you over reacted massively with your mother in law. From what you've said, it sounds like she was clearly worried about you and was trying to help. If you really sent the reply you described in your first post, then it's hardly surprising that she has been cold since then. I think you owe her a huge apology.

cnka · 09/11/2024 09:35

Growlybear83 · 09/11/2024 09:21

It sounds like you had a truly horrendous experience, OP - congratulations on your new baby, and I hope you recover quickly. However, I think you over reacted massively with your mother in law. From what you've said, it sounds like she was clearly worried about you and was trying to help. If you really sent the reply you described in your first post, then it's hardly surprising that she has been cold since then. I think you owe her a huge apology.

How about her mother in law and everyone else in her life, owes OP a bit of grace ? She's just been through hell and has felt doubly violated by MIL exposing her private information - even if well intended. If mother in law has any grace, she would not expect an apology and act normal with OP and just give the postpartum OP some grace.

It's not that hard to put yourself in the OP shoes, if MIL makes this all about her own upset at OP's reaction- then she's truly showing how selfish she is. This situation is not about MIL. It's about a vulnerable woman who's just been through hell and now has to put herself back together- whilst also caring for a baby for the first time in her life.

Ludoo1 · 09/11/2024 09:48

PlumViper · 08/11/2024 23:40

as it was to a nurse and not just for gossiping then yes, you did get too carried away

It doesn’t matter that it was to a nurse !

it is not the OPs nurse!

Ludoo1 · 09/11/2024 09:50

These replies are going to make the OP feel worse.

I am so shocked at people’s attitudes.

No one’s private medical information should be discussed.

The nurse has no business advising.

Hope that OP you take care of yourself and shut this thread down.

Almostalive · 09/11/2024 10:07

Congratulations.
I understand how hurt you are and I guess, in her way, she was trying to help.
As someone who had a 3rd degree tear I would recommend taking a jug of warm water with you and pouring it on yourself when you pee. Urine does sting stitches and if you dilute it you will get some relief.
Best wishes x

pinkgrevillea · 09/11/2024 10:10

After what you've been through there is no way you overreacted. She was not being malicious, but she was overstepping and you reacted.

TBH I think it's great that you can assert yourself so fast and clearly as you really need that skill once you have a baby! I'm sure she'll get over it, and if she doesn't, well that's on her.

Maddy70 · 09/11/2024 10:12

Seens like she was reaching out to a health care professional to seek help for you. I think you have had a traumatic time and respectfully a tad over sensitive to someone with good intentions

SerafinasGoose · 09/11/2024 10:18

Pottedpalm · 09/11/2024 08:25

Good point!
It also surprises me that posters who have undergone trauma and are recovering while caring for a newborn still have time to be posting lengthy messages vilifying the MiL who was surely trying to help.

This is a support site. The OP is an extremely vulnerable position.

You can take your 'surprise', and shove it.

phoenixrosehere · 09/11/2024 10:41

cnka · 09/11/2024 09:35

How about her mother in law and everyone else in her life, owes OP a bit of grace ? She's just been through hell and has felt doubly violated by MIL exposing her private information - even if well intended. If mother in law has any grace, she would not expect an apology and act normal with OP and just give the postpartum OP some grace.

It's not that hard to put yourself in the OP shoes, if MIL makes this all about her own upset at OP's reaction- then she's truly showing how selfish she is. This situation is not about MIL. It's about a vulnerable woman who's just been through hell and now has to put herself back together- whilst also caring for a baby for the first time in her life.

Agree.

It doesn’t matter what her MIL’s intent was. She talked to someone else without asking OP first.

I know people like this and I know not to tell them anything because others will know too and ask me about it later because they cannot comprehend that others would like to choose who they tell their personal business to.

Consent is also important in situations like this.

People act as if asking someone if they would like advice or assistance is hard, but happy to go off and talk to others about someone els: private situation.

Unless the person is a danger to themselves or it is an emergency situation, ask first.

Pottedpalm · 09/11/2024 14:11

thepariscrimefiles · 09/11/2024 09:03

The OP has written 4 posts. You are obviously implying that she is lying about the severity of her injuries and the trauma of her birth experience and that she is neglecting her newborn in order to post on here to unfairly villify her MIL.

If all posters were like you and implied that the terrible situations that some posters describe were not really true and, if they were that bad, they wouldn't have the time to post, no-one would dare post on here for support and advice.

Your post isn't the 'gotcha' that you seem to think it is. OP is going to try and build bridges with her sulking MIL. She has described her previously good relationship with her MIL. Her MIL may have been trying to help but she seriously overstepped and isn't the victim here.

Oh trot on, dearie. I’m not ‘obviously implying’ any such thing.

thepariscrimefiles · 09/11/2024 14:20

Pottedpalm · 09/11/2024 14:11

Oh trot on, dearie. I’m not ‘obviously implying’ any such thing.

So why are you 'surprised' that the OP has time to post 'lengthy' messages about her 'unfairly villified' MIL? What point are you trying to make?

There is not a hint of support for the OP in your message, so that was obviously not your motivation.

Decencydiedtoday · 09/11/2024 15:17

ManhattanPopcorn · 08/11/2024 16:34

Congratulations on your baby. Im sorry you've had such a tough time.

Yes you did get carried away.

Rubbish. She was incredibly restrained.

jannier · 09/11/2024 17:43

Lanzarotelady · 09/11/2024 03:05

Where have you got that the nurse was nursing 10:years ago???
Nursing moves on, but the basics remain the same!

Someone who thinks 10 years is ancient history and vaginas have been updated.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/11/2024 16:59

Given MILs history of having a great interest in medical matters - I'm not sure how helpful or compassionate she's subsequently being towards someone who is in early recovery after almost dying in childbirth.

MILs reaction to OP telling her she's overstepped the mark and please don't do this again? "She replied after some time and apologised very stiffly, and she's been almost silent since then, only checking in to ask about the baby but very coldly so."

The OP is still vulnerable from her experience and was upset by MIL's actions and now she's also in the dog house, having been called excessive and unwarranted by her DH.

Wouldn't an actual heartfelt apology and a bit of warmth and compassion for OP be "helpful" instead of just going into a cold huff?

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