To be mad at MIL for sharing my intimate medical info with a friend? *content warning added by MNHQ- traumatic detail post birth*

[Betsabea]

Context: I gave birth nine days ago to a perfectly healthy baby boy. I, however, almost died during childbirth. I tore quite badly and got an episiotomy as well, but other than that everything seemed fine initially. Then, about 30 minutes into skin-to-skin time, I completely lost consciousness because of the blood loss. Apparently, as they were stitching me up, for some reason each stitch caused my vessels to explode and provoked a small haemorrhage. Anyway, husband and baby were brought out of the room and a team of 8 or 9 doctors and nurses spent over two hours trying to save me, while I was there going in and out of consciousness and thinking I was going to leave my new family without a mother and a wife. I got over 50 stitches (the doctor wouldn't tell me the exact number) both internal and external. On top of this, neither my epidural nor the local anaesthesia for pp stitches worked, so I felt every painful second of it all.

Fast forward a few days later, I got home and, even though it got a little better, the pain is still a lot to bear. I can't sit down without sitting on my breastfeeding pillow, I can't pee without screaming in pain, I can't stand up for longer than a few minutes, and so on. Introduce my MIL. Now she's normally quite a lovely MIL, but she has a problem - despite never having had a single health problem herself besides maybe a toothache, she LOVES talking about health stuff, recommending meds, asking about medical info, freaking out over the smallest problem and making molehills into mountains, etc.

A few days ago she asked how I was and I told her that I was fine, but I wished the pain would stop so I could stop being afraid to pee. Less than an hour later, she forwarded me some messages from a (to me) total stranger, a friend of hers who is a nurse (and whom I'd never heard about so not exactly a close family friend), discussing my vagina, asking for more details about my stitches, and totally randomly suggesting that the pain while peeing might be due to a cystitis. After the forwarded messages, she added her own suggestion to contact my doctor so I could get a prescription for an antibiotic as soon as possible. I got so mad I threw my phone on the sofa, then I typed a reply that I didn't appreciate my intimate stuff being discussed with strangers, that I am already taking an antibiotic because I am an adult who can take care of herself and communicate her problems to doctors in order to get help, that I am hurting both physically and mentally because of those stitches, that I only told her about my painful pees because I thought I could trust her like a friend, and that I would never share intimate stuff with her ever again because I didn't want my privacy to be breached like that. She replied after some time and apologised very stiffly, and she's been almost silent since then, only checking in to ask about the baby but very coldly so.

I told my husband and he agreed that she shouldn't have done it and offered to talk to her about it (I told him no), but he also added that she probably did that because she thought she could be helpful and that she acted out of concern and, in her eyes, my reaction is therefore excessive and unwarranted.

What do you all think? Did I get too carried away or it is reasonable to expect my vagina not to be discussed among strangers? Should I apologise for my reaction? Sorry about the long post but I really wanted to get this all off my chest.

I agree, she was trying to be helpful. Cut her some slack, you're both in shock at what you've been through. hope you get better soon

Firstly - congratulations.
Next - delighted that you managed to survive and also how in God's name did you manage to survive all of that stitching feeling every second of it? As if giving birth wasn't painful enough by itself, what you went through is shocking.

Next - You should definitely check with your Gynae if you should actually be discharged from hospital as it sounds like you're still struggling and you not only had a baby, you had by the sounds of it major surgery too (without pain relief). Make sure you're getting enough pain relief now - Ponstan Forte might help but it's generally on prescription. (See what I did there - I offered a new mother advice but it was non-specific and more general about pain relief).

Lastly - It was absolutely not her place, even with kindness, to be discussing with anyone other than you whatever your medical issues might be. I think you should let your husband have a word with his mother, she should give you a heartfelt (not terse or otherwise) apology for speaking with someone so wholly unconnected with you about your situation or she runs the risk of alienating you going forwards.

Try your best to focus on your new baby and on your recovery and let the rest of the stuff, even this, sit to the side for the time being. It'll keep. Enjoy your time with your newborn.

Sending you lots of support and hugs

Not the way I read it.

I read that statement that the MiL forwarded to the OP messages that her nurse friend had sent MiL with other questions about the condition of the OP.

The nurse friend didn't contact the OP at all.

At least that's how I read that part of the opening post.

Darling if you'd beaten her to death with a candlestick on the library I would forgive you after what you've been through.

It's nice to see the replies have helped you see it for what it sounds like, she's trying to help but overstepped a boundary that it's fair you have. Hopefully you can clear the air and stop thinking about this while you have so much on your plate ❤.

Look after yourself OP, birth can be traumatic without the additional horrific trauma you suffered, if you feel you're at all depressed or anxious dont suffer silently. Please ask for a birth debrief and therapy referral, you deserve to make sense of all this when you're up to discussing it. My understanding is it takes a while for referrals so if you feel you don't need it by the time it comes round, you can always cancel, but worthwhile having something in place.

Sorry haven’t read the replies but re relieving pain - keep a jug in bathroom and each time you pee, pour warm water with a couple of drops of natural lavender and tea tree oil in between your legs. It’s honestly a life saver and helps heal everything.

Agreed.

1. Congratulations on your new baby. I hope you have a speedy recovery.
2. "in her eyes, my reaction is therefore excessive and unwarranted"

What?
Firstly in making all those excuses for her, he's probably already heard her side of it.
And secondly. It's very condemnatory language... not just "maybe you over reacted a bit darling" but "excessive and unwarranted" How pompous and What a cheek!! .. When he's been through a major life threatening experience and a painful operation he can say that but now He needs to have your back more than that.
Your reaction is NOT excessive...and he should not be guilt tripping you on that and going on about it was kindly meant. (even though it might have been, she considerably overstepped the mark)
She betrayed your confidence to a total stranger. You called her out which was the correct thing to do and explained it very clearly and now she's in a huff. Hopefully she will be more sensitive in future.
They both need to wake up and understand the scale of the ordeal you've been through, its not a standard birth experience. Both of them need to accept that her actions have made it worse at a time when you are feeling very vulnerable, fragile and exhausted and in pain. They need to appreciate that this is a time to treat you with the utmost TLC, not condem you for "unwarranted" reactions or be huffy.
Please speak to your health visitor about this, as feeling unsupported and as if you are over reacting could make you feel very down indeed.

The message probably went like this
Hi Nurse friend, DIL is in agony peeing, is there anything she can do
Nurse Friend - could be cystitis, she may need antibiotics
How is that a breach, she isn't looking through any bloody medical records!

Considering the OP says she forwarded me some messages from a (to me) total stranger, a friend of hers who is a nurse (and whom I'd never heard about so not exactly a close family friend), discussing my vagina, asking for more details about my stitches, I think your script writing is a bit off.

I may be in a minority but I think she's overstepped and I wouldn't be too keen to share anything else in case she decided to be 'helpful' again. She had no business giving very personal medical information to someone OP has never met and without OP's permission.

Would you have been so angry if the injury had been, for example, to your arm?

If so, your mother in law needs to know that any and all injuries of yours should not be discussed, with anyone anywhere, ever. And you need to tell her so.

If your anger is because the injury was to your vagina, maybe you might benefit by unearthing why your vagina needs special protection. To the point that it cannot be discussed, helpfully, by others, who may just want to help.

In my view, your vagina is no different from your arm. It's in a different place and discharges a different function. But that can be said for each and every one (or two, lungs, kidneys ECT) of our organs.

Is there room in your very patronising analysis to consider that she might be angry because she nearly died?

I think she was only trying to help. I think your reaction is a little over the top but I can understand that with what you've been through. Maybe take a few days to calm down and let it go. I honestly think she meant well.

Perhaps my point of view is skewed though because my MIL is awful to me and if welcome anyone showing they cared 😂

I actually can't believe this thread and the lack of compassion in so many posts. How do we have any hope of getting the medical profession to take women's pain and trauma seriously, particularly in relation to birth, if a virtual room full of women aren't prepared to do so?

Please, someone, find me another situation in which anyone would be expected to survive a near-death experience, care for a brand new human, and then smile through gritted teeth at their MIL.

MIL has been silly. Interfering, over sharing and seems to think that she knows something clever that the doctors treating you didn’t.

She should have given a much more heartfelt and full apology. And when she asks about the baby, she should be adding that she hopes that your health is improving.

Yes this.

I'm very surprised the "nurse friend" didn't check it was ok to be discussing your situation, she shouldn't just presume it's ok cos your MIL messaged her.

Post partum is such a vulnerable time, never mind that you nearly died. She has hopefully learned a lesson from this. I get she was trying to be helpful, but she shouldn't have asked if it was ok to ask her friend!

Trauma impacts on responses to stressful situations. Your tolerance will be lower anyway. Would be useful if mil could understand that no wonder you reacted as you did, as you're in a vulnerable period. Your response was completely valid. Window of tolerance is a helpful framework for understanding reactions after a traumatic event. Wishing you a speedy recovery, and congratulations on your new baby.

WTAF are you saying? Of course women feel differently about injuries to and discussion about their vaginas compared with injuries to other parts of their body such as their arms or their legs.

Her MIL revealed confidential medical information when she had no right to do so.

So in your opinion, OP is being unreasonable because, due to her ridiculous boundaries, she isn't happy to have her vagina discussed by all and sundry when she should actually be grateful?

She was likely very shocked when she found out about how traumatic the birth was and thought she was helping.
It’s a bit sad that you’re so angry with her asking a friend who’s a medical professional for advice in order to help you, whilst at the same time you’ve shared your medical details on a public forum with 1000’s of strangers. You’ve made the point to her about how you feel. Time to move on.

I'm so sorry about your traumatic birth, and congratulations on the birth of your baby. I know I'm an outlier here (having read the other messages) but I feel really sorry for your mother in law in this scenario. I feel like women pull together around childbirth and we try to be there for each other with the horrible bodily things we experience. We talk about things we might have been too embarrassed to mention before (like incontinence) because that's how we survive. When I had my first child I spoke with people I didn't know who might be able to help with problems I was worried or embarrassed about (including a friend of my mother in law's who was a midwife, actually). I think your mother in law believed this is where you were with each other. I hope you patch things up x

C rickey, some of you seem quite upset. Maybe I should leave you all to believe your vaginas should never be spoken of.

OP has the right to discuss her own medical information with whoever she pleases. Her MIL does not have that right. OP is asking for views from people who don't know her on an anonymous forum. OP's MIL will have talked openly about her DIL's birth injuries.

If MIL wanted to help, she could have asked OP whether she would like her to contact her friend who was a nurse to see if she had any advice for OP. She overstepped massively by revealing her DIL's sensitive medical information to her friend.

OP would have moved on after telling her MIL how upset she was, but her MIL is the one who is sulking and not moving on.

I can't believe that OP, a mother to a 9 day old baby who nearly died in childbirth and who probably has some form of PTSD as well as serious birth injuries, is the bad guy here while her MIL is the innocent victim who needs an apology.

No, because the MIL should have asked her permission to share first - it's basic.

I was shell shocked after a difficult drawn out delivery with my 1st, and a large PPH. Add in stitches, sleep deprivation and constant pain - I have few good memories of my 1st few weeks of motherhood. It gets better. I used to run a shallow bath and sit in it when I needed to pee, it was the only way it was bearable.

And your relationship with your MIL will repair. You sound very level headed. Enjoy your baby.

Your traumatic birth, new baby and all the feelings that come that are, I imagine, adding to your heightened emotions.

I expect that your mil regrets what she said to her friend now, but it sounds like it wasn’t done out of spite, but to help you.

I hope you recover well and enjoy your precious baby.

Could be the fact that the mother in law overstepped her boundaries

I do think motherhood makes you want to solve the problems for people you care about....and to be fair you've shared with complete strangers on here....but I know that's your choice not hers. I think you've come to a good decision