To be mad at MIL for sharing my intimate medical info with a friend? *content warning added by MNHQ- traumatic detail post birth*

[Betsabea]

Context: I gave birth nine days ago to a perfectly healthy baby boy. I, however, almost died during childbirth. I tore quite badly and got an episiotomy as well, but other than that everything seemed fine initially. Then, about 30 minutes into skin-to-skin time, I completely lost consciousness because of the blood loss. Apparently, as they were stitching me up, for some reason each stitch caused my vessels to explode and provoked a small haemorrhage. Anyway, husband and baby were brought out of the room and a team of 8 or 9 doctors and nurses spent over two hours trying to save me, while I was there going in and out of consciousness and thinking I was going to leave my new family without a mother and a wife. I got over 50 stitches (the doctor wouldn't tell me the exact number) both internal and external. On top of this, neither my epidural nor the local anaesthesia for pp stitches worked, so I felt every painful second of it all.

Fast forward a few days later, I got home and, even though it got a little better, the pain is still a lot to bear. I can't sit down without sitting on my breastfeeding pillow, I can't pee without screaming in pain, I can't stand up for longer than a few minutes, and so on. Introduce my MIL. Now she's normally quite a lovely MIL, but she has a problem - despite never having had a single health problem herself besides maybe a toothache, she LOVES talking about health stuff, recommending meds, asking about medical info, freaking out over the smallest problem and making molehills into mountains, etc.

A few days ago she asked how I was and I told her that I was fine, but I wished the pain would stop so I could stop being afraid to pee. Less than an hour later, she forwarded me some messages from a (to me) total stranger, a friend of hers who is a nurse (and whom I'd never heard about so not exactly a close family friend), discussing my vagina, asking for more details about my stitches, and totally randomly suggesting that the pain while peeing might be due to a cystitis. After the forwarded messages, she added her own suggestion to contact my doctor so I could get a prescription for an antibiotic as soon as possible. I got so mad I threw my phone on the sofa, then I typed a reply that I didn't appreciate my intimate stuff being discussed with strangers, that I am already taking an antibiotic because I am an adult who can take care of herself and communicate her problems to doctors in order to get help, that I am hurting both physically and mentally because of those stitches, that I only told her about my painful pees because I thought I could trust her like a friend, and that I would never share intimate stuff with her ever again because I didn't want my privacy to be breached like that. She replied after some time and apologised very stiffly, and she's been almost silent since then, only checking in to ask about the baby but very coldly so.

I told my husband and he agreed that she shouldn't have done it and offered to talk to her about it (I told him no), but he also added that she probably did that because she thought she could be helpful and that she acted out of concern and, in her eyes, my reaction is therefore excessive and unwarranted.

What do you all think? Did I get too carried away or it is reasonable to expect my vagina not to be discussed among strangers? Should I apologise for my reaction? Sorry about the long post but I really wanted to get this all off my chest.

You did over react.
It was done with good intentions.

I too had a hugely traumatic birth, one that I didn’t share with anyone other than my DH ofcourse.

I find the problem with sharing medical information is that everyone has a different boundary. My mother would tell everyone everything (about herself aswell!).

If you don’t want it shared, sadly, you need to make it clear it’s not for sharing. Some people just have no boundaries at all! And also no concept of what is acceptable.

Hope you are getting on well. X

The thing is now you know you can't trust her so your relationship will change. My mother and every other older female in the family are obsessed with health issues, their own and everyone else's. I just can't divulge anything personal anymore and it has definitely changed our relationship. I'd forgive her but I wouldn't be telling her anything private going forward.

Women have always talked to women about this kind of stuff to try and help and support each other. I'm positive she meant no harm and didn't see it as breaking confidentiality- and would be upset with herself by your perspective on it. I think there's a generational thing going on here too - there's both more openness about women's health issues but also more feeling that medical information is confidential.

Totally on your side. After my first baby (1993) i was really ill with psychosis. This is a severe psychiatric illness that totally resolves with treatment.

I worked in the NHS at the time but there was such a stigma around mental illness that it was kept of my work records.

My MIL who was a ward clerk in a different hospital to the one i worked in only went and blabbed to collegues.

First i knew she had blabbed is when i phoned for further info on an advertised post in the health authority MIL worked in. And my heart nearly stopped when i was asked "this post involves covering 2 psychiatric wards. How do you think you'd manage there?"

When i explained my I had experience already in my current post, i could just tell by the tone of voice that the person i was speaking to knew about my illness.

I was raging!!!!

Now i am much older of course and i do understand she was very stressed and needed to talk. But it cost me a promotion and it was out of order.

On another note my 17 yr old dd was furious when she found i had mentioned her possible endometriosis to a close friend of mine. It won't go any further but i was out of order mentioning it and won't again.

It's because i was stressing over my dds pain and heavy bleeds so it helped me to offload to a friend. My friend had been through similar and had a suggestion for dd. But dd went ballistic when i passed on the suggestion.

Your MIL had her heart in the right place, but was wrong.

💯 this

Neither do you, so why do you feel you have a right to say no malpractice occurred? To get to the point of losing consciousness would have meant a large amount of blood loss went unnoticed.

I haven't.

I told my husband and he agreed that she shouldn't have done it … but he also added that she probably did that because she thought she could be helpful and that she acted out of concern and, in her eyes, my reaction is therefore excessive and unwarranted.

This is how I see it. She made a mistake, overstepped, but she cares about you and will be wary of upsetting you again.
You have become a mum and have had an awful time which, like her, I’m really sorry to hear.
I can see both sides just as your DH can (he also added).
Boundaries have been breached. Re-establish them by talking to her, getting it out into the open. You have nothing to lose but both need to move on.

Lovely update!

Yes or alternatively and as grim as it sounds standing and peeing the shower with the warn shower flow. I promise this was an afrer birth occurrence only. Well actually and after corrective surgery too. Your birth experience @Betsabea sounds so similar to mine but (not playing one upmanship, I promise) I had a double episiotomy and had to have 3 x corrective surgery after too.

It does get better but the warm water tip does help.

Totally justified in your reaction.
I stopped telling MIL anything I didn’t want the world to know years ago. She can’t help herself blabbing to all and sundry.
Congratulations on your new arrival and I Hope you feel better soon x

A PPH can be disguised until quite late! The body compensates.

No it isn’t. She doesn’t know. I am a grown adult who is more than capable of putting things to one side and getting on with people. She is my husband’s mother and my children’s grandmother she has a huge place in our lives.

But she is/was well aware I am an incredibly private person. My husband told her in confidence because he needed to talk to someone because he thought his wife was dying. She was well aware that the info she had was not up for public discussion. Well aware. She still chose to tell the world and his wife. I cannot and will not forgive it. Yes forget it of course. But I was absolutely floored by DC1 arrival and the aftermath. Floored. I did not need great Aunt Ethel phoning me up telling me I should have done better. I didn’t need MIL trying to convince my mother (who at the time did not know the full details) that I should sue the hospital.

So of course I have long since “forgotten” and get on with her well. forgive - never.

PPH is classed as a loss over 500ml.

A big PPH is over 1000ml and life endangering when you get to 2000ml.

It is not unheard of for a woman to lose 750ml quite literally in seconds as the reproductive organs are incredibly vascular.

I've seen it myself. A woman went from 500ml to 2000ml in minutes. She ended up with an emergency hysterectomy under GA as nothing could control the bleeding, losing a further 1000ml in theatre.

I've also seen a woman lose 300ml during episiotomy repair. I thought that blood loss was underestimated if anything.

I know you are saying she was discussing your vagina but she was discussing birth and that's the body part involved. People share much more intimately post birth than they would normally talking about tears, episiotomy, stitches etc. People ask each other how they are healing, we all know where they are referring to. In normal life no we don't enquire after each other's vaginas but this is entirely different.

I think YABU. I'm sorry you had a horrible birth experience but I think you are lucky to be surrounded by people who care. I think you are very foolish to start this new phase of life with an argument with a helpful MIL. You want to set boundaries and that's ok but I think you should apologise for your reaction but also reiterate that you feel strongly about her sharing personal information. I'm sure it won't happen again. Don't push a good MIL away.

The uterus can hold a hell of a lot of blood, it pools there!

Sorry I missed your update. 💯 with you on this.

Pretty identifying to say my DIL.....

She was obviously trying to help. This will be one of those situations you look back on in a few years and wonder why you reacted this way, I speak from experience when everything is calm and normal and this is a distant memory I think you are most likely going to regret making a big thing of it.

Sounds very like my MIL. Congenitally incapable of keeping her mouth shut or her nose out but unable to see the problem. I tell her very little.
Let her sulk till she is ready to make a full apology.

On a different note, have you tried pouring warm water from a hug over your stitches as you pee? Diluting the urine can be less painful.

Again the Nurse has done nothing wrong she has been approached and suggested seeking medical help? How is the nurse at fault?

I wouldn't get worked up about this if it was me - it's medical advice from a nurse. But if it bothers you, it bothers you.

She was obviously trying to help though so I'd not go too hard about pointing out how you feel.

Regarding the peeing.. I had a massive tear after my first. What works to stop the pain when you pee is leaning really far forward whilst sat on the loo, like bending forward from your waist. Hold a pad firmly on the tear whilst bending forward to direct your wee away from the pad.
It's the acidicness of the wee on the open wound that causes the pain. So if you cover the wound and direct the wee away from it, it's much less painful.
You may get a bit on your hands but it's better than screaming.
Alternatively you can try peeing in a warm shower whilst the shower is running against the wound. Again this will wash away the acidity before it causes the wound to hurt so should lessen the pain.
Some people will think that's grim but in these situations you've got to do what you've got to do.
I tore so badly I had to poo in a warm bath because that's the only way I wasn't in agony..
It's so Hard and I really feel for you.
Just to reassure you I was so depressed thinking my wounds would never heal.. I was an absolute state dow there and I just couldn't see going back to normal. One of the wounds the stitches came undone and they wouldn't re stitch due to infection risk and the sides of the wound were literally no where near each other.. so I just couldn't understand how it would ever heal itself.
But within a year I was completely normal down there again!! Like you couldn't even tell!! And no pain at all.

Regarding your MIL she does sound like she lacks empathy and can't fathom other people having boundaries she doesn't have herself.

Just noted your update... good for you OP sorting it all out maturely. Best of luck with baby