Rejected for birthday action - AIBU or is he?

[Kendra43]

Odd as it may sound (or it may not, I don't know), I've generally had birthday shags in past relationships, on mine and the other person's birthday

So current partner, been together one year. We had an evening out for my birthday. Beforehand I told him I was wearing a new underwear set and he said 'I look forward to seeing it later 😉'

We get back shortly after 11 and I make my move. He clearly isn't interested. I say 'oh are you not up for it now?'. He says he would've been earlier but now it's late and he's tired.

AIBU to be a bit concerned he just couldn't be arsed? I felt really disappointed. We're early 30s.

well you can't demand someone is up for it if they aren't.

did you have a lot of wine with dinner? sometimes before dinner is a better time to get things going.

You should have had a shag before going out. Maybe I am old, but I am not sure I could be arsed after 11pm either. Especially after a full meal.

I honestly find the idea of a "birthday shag" massively unsexy, sorry 🙈

@parietal we had champagne and food.

I'm thinking is this just how it is now in your early 30s. Maybe I need to take.my expectations down a notch!

There's many, many reasons why someone may not fancy sex and being disappointed is natural but we also must be careful not to guilt, sulk or shame. This can be seen as coercive which is quite dangerous.

Being tired, being full, being stressed, medication... There's so many reasons.
If it becomes a pattern then be concerned, but one night off isn't the end of the world and anyone can say they want it and then change their minds a few hours later.

I think it's the fact he got excited about my birthday underwear and then couldn't be arsed.

I felt pretty undesirable.

I think he could have made the effort.

Gently, I think you need to examine why someone not fancying sex makes you feel undesirable.

Unless there's deeper relationship issues this really shouldn't be a big deal. Also the emotion you are connecting to this event feels very pressured and intense. Things like that will absolutely kill your sexual relationship.

You can't demand someone be up for a shag, if they aren't in the mood/to tired. Thats really strange behaviour.

Should of had a shag before hand, I wouldn't be arsed at 11pm either I'd be wanting to get all cosy in bed and I'm probably same age as you!

Is a birthday shag a thing? A nice night out can often be followed by sex birthday or not but equally a nice evening out is often finished nicely by a cuddle and falling asleep together

No means no, no matter what age the people are 🤷‍♂️

If he's tired, he's tired.

There's plenty of time for sex when both people actually want it.

Switch the roles then see you think the same.

You think he should've had sex when he didn't want it, just to keep the OP happy?

Yuk.

People are allowed to change their mind or no longer be in the mood regardless of what they said earlier in the day, though.

The fact that you don't feel desirable after one rejection is a bit OTT really.

YANBU. Leave now. Find someone more aligned to your desires and clock. 11 isn't late. Early 30s is young.

But people are different, lots of replies will go both ways. The key thing is whether you and your partner are aligned and it sounds like you are not.

Gross.

I was thinking this. If he was saying he was disappointed in you for not wanting sex, he'd be called every name under the sun.

What if the roles were reversed and you were too tired on his birthday?
Unless he is a performing seal, don't expect a performance, it's not personal!

"He couldn't be arsed"
Pretty damning.

This is what I thought. We're young and I'd suggested it earlier in the day (teased with new underwear) and he'd responded with enthusiasm.

I don't want to pressure him. I also don't want to end up in a dead bedroom. He rejected sex of an evening about 2 months ago too.

Totally agree with this.

To be devil's advocate for a moment, what other response could he have given when you said, 'Oo-er, I've got fancy birthday knickers on?' 'That's nice, dear, but make sure I don't have the cheeseboard.'

Is there any spontaneity in your sexual relationship or just when one or the other is 'up for it?'

It’s been a long time since I’ve heard anyone advise someone to lay back and think of England.

I wouldn’t think anyone needs to make an effort to have sex they don’t want.

I don't want to pressure him. I also don't want to end up in a dead bedroom. He rejected sex of an evening about 2 months ago too.

He's not a performing seal - what on earth is the issue with him saying no?