Rejected for birthday action - AIBU or is he?

[Kendra43]

Odd as it may sound (or it may not, I don't know), I've generally had birthday shags in past relationships, on mine and the other person's birthday

So current partner, been together one year. We had an evening out for my birthday. Beforehand I told him I was wearing a new underwear set and he said 'I look forward to seeing it later 😉'

We get back shortly after 11 and I make my move. He clearly isn't interested. I say 'oh are you not up for it now?'. He says he would've been earlier but now it's late and he's tired.

AIBU to be a bit concerned he just couldn't be arsed? I felt really disappointed. We're early 30s.

@lasagnelle I can see why. It's not about that though.

I come from a family where we pull out all the stops to make the other person feel special and to spend quality time together.

I think if he hadn't already said he was keen earlier on the day I would'nt have cared so much about the rebuff later. I already thought 'i bet he rejects me later' and then he did.

Ive watched the tea video and yes I understand he can change his mind at any time. I suppose I worry he doesn't physically fancy me that much. Sometimes he initiates but he will never be the man that rips my clothes off - sadly I think those days are over for me.

He also told me sexy underwear doesn't really do it for him! So there's that too. A bit surprising.

I understand where you're coming from OP & I would say that given the fact you're only together a year or so I don't think this one is compatible long term.

In all honesty we're in our 50s & have been together 25 years & I actually can't really remember a time when my dh has turned me down. We both might after that we're too tired after all, if we've been out for a night out etc but that 99% of the time would result in some morning action the next day 'to make up for being tired the night before'. Dh especially loves morning sex.

however if I initiated he would always respond even if he decided it was just to give me an orgasm but in the process of doing that he'd get very turned on & would usually end up getting into it. I NEVER expect him to do anything but he loves it when I initiate & says he can't help himself...which then makes me feel amazing.

We are very compatible sexually & have been from the start apart from when I had first dc & I found it REALLY hard to find my libido again. He was incredibly patient & never ever put pressure on me but came to recognise that I was finding it hard to separate the new 'mum' side of me from the old self. So he quietly ramped up his efforts to take on the grater share of the housework & cooling & baby minding as soon as he was home from work. Making sure I had t OK me to myself etc. Not because he wanted sex but because he wanted me to not ne so overwhelmed.

One of the times i still love & appreciate is how much he adores me & my body & how affectionate he is all the time with no pressure for it to lead to sex

That in itself makes me want to have more sex!

OP you're at the where lots of people settle down & my advice is have a good think about this relationship & whether you think it would really be enough for you in 5, 10, 20, 30+ years

I don't know you but from what you've posted it seems a little lackluster. You're young. Don't settle & 30s is FAR too young for cocoa & slippers. Yes you have jobs / careers/ some responsibilities but you should also feel alive & be happy to let loose & behave a bit wildly on occasion..

In my head if I were in your shoes I'd have been imaging telling him I had surprise new lingerie, getting through work with the frisson of the whole non ordinary evening ahead. That would have kept me going through the day. Then get changed. Out for champagne & a cocktail & flirting & dinner & home to enjoy the sex you'd both built up between you all day - especially a year old relationship. So I get how you're questioning things...

Sorry for typos on phone

You’ve been together a year and you’re not able to tell what is up or not up with him? Or if he’s into you or not? Is he normally voracious sexually ..is this an unusual night or has he always had a low sex drive? Is he just generally a shag to you or do you share each others deep and sensitive feelings , needs , wants dreams ambitions plans for the future etc..
maybe he doesn’t like you anymore, maybe he’s bored of you, maybe he was tired or maybe he just had wind after the food & the fizzy on the night out.
After a year I would have thought you’d know. No?

@stargazerlil he is not voracious sexually. I'd say he has a low to medium drive, mine is high. Lower at different times of the month or when stressed.

Or course he is not just a shag to me. I've said above I think he's husband and father material so that's clear.

Yes we share our deepest feelings and ambitions for the future. He is my greatest confidante apart from my best friend.

I feel that the sex is good when we do it. I get really excited when he initiates. I feel desired in those moments. But lately he rejects me about half the time supposedly because he doesn't like evening sex much. I wouldn't like to think someone would stay with me if they were 'bored'.

Hmmm you could be compromising on the sex drive, I guess you just see how it goes. Good luck.

I have read your posts and personally feel like if this was a man posting about his wife turning down sex on his birthday and writing things like she should of made the effort on my birthday - all hell would break loose.

Myself and DH are early 30’s. We are parents so I suppose that changes things but one thing I love the most is how understanding we are if the other doesn’t want to have sex. It’s very 50/50. It doesn’t matter if it’s Christmas, a birthday, abroad etc. if we aren’t up for it then we have a cuddle and that’s that. No questions asked, no “am I not sexy enough for you?!” Questions.

I would be concerned if he turned me down constantly, but if it’s once ever 2 months like you’re saying, I think you’re insane.

I feel like this man is going to continue to disappoint you. Seems to me he is finding excuses for not having sex which is fine but it doesn't appear like you're sexually compatible. You'll need to decide whether this is a deal breaker for you or not.

Lately he rejects you about half the time....how often are you initiating sex?

Mine has never been "a man after midnight". He gets way too tired, especially if he's been out for a meal and drinks. He's been like that since he was 20!

I have no complaints about anything prior to 9pm however... Or mornings. Or afternoons.

I think you're being really unfair. Consent works both ways and feeling confident enough to say sorry I'm too tired is a lovely thing to have in a relationship.

I haven't read all comments, so not sure if this has been mentioned.
It might be helpful to understand hormonal cycles a little. As women, our cycle tends to be monthly but men's hormonal cycles tend to be daily - testosterone (and therefore, sexual desire) tends to be highest in the morning and gradually decrease throughout the day.

It may also be helpful to look into RSD (rejection sensitivity disorder). CBT can be very helpful in learning how to manage feelings of rejection.

What?

Agree.
OP guess what…. SURPRISE! Not everyone wants to have sex all of the time. People get tired.
Age doesn’t really come into it.
I’ve had more sex in years 46/47 than I had from 40-46 (I think).

Chill out…. if he does it again for a third time you could try talking to him about it. He’s not going to know it’s an issue for you if you don’t communicate

While I love sexy undies, my DP would just rather me naked 🤷🏼‍♀️

I love your comment.
I love your DH.
I love you lol